Waver

Do I miss them? No, I don't think I do.

And trust me, that answer doesn’t shock you any more than it has shocked me.

I pray for them. I hope that they are well-loved in their new home, and that they will stay with this family for always. I hope that issues are addressed and that much-needed help is finally provided. I hope that they live wonderfully happy lives. I even hope that we will always know how they are.

But do I miss them? Wish they were still living here? Wish things could have turned out differently?

No.

Even more shockingly, I don't know if I want to be a parent. I didn't really like it that much - being a mom. Even before all the bad. *

Perhaps it’s as some closest to us have said – that the kids simply weren’t a match for us; that I would feel differently about a child that I “clicked with”.

I do still miss and think of a little 3-year-old that was going to be placed with us a couple of years back. I miss her a lot. But I was never her day-to-day “mama”.

There have been so damned many uncertainties in our journey but the one constant has been my deep, unwavering desire for a child. And now even that is wavering.

And that, my friends, is a very unbelievable place to be.

*And as a clarification, the kids were not sent to another foster home because I didn't like being a mom. I am way too stubborn - way too "make it work" for that. I would have stuck it out and, I'm sure, come to love my role as their parent. But whether I did or not, I would have given them everything I had for the rest of my life because I'd committed to be their mom.