Last night as I was sitting at my desk, reading yet another e-mail telling us that we wouldn’t be getting a child we’ve wanted to adopt for a long time, I couldn’t help but wonder . . .
We’ve been on this path for so long, do I even still have the ability to recognize when it’s time to stop our pursuit of parenthood?
I have prayed for God to send our child(ren) to us. More recently, I have prayed that if we aren’t supposed to be parents, we get some sort of definitive sign where we’ll just KNOW and can get on with our lives. ***
Since that prayer a few weeks ago, one adoptive situation fell apart, the birthmom changed her mind on another, out-of-state-baby is no longer an option because of policy changes within the county, and the girl we were approached about is being put through every test her foster parents can think of before they’ll make up their mind to adopt, but all evidence is pointing to them keeping her.
Have I become one of those women I swore I’d never become?
On one level, the answer is no. As we went into this years ago, I had a list of lines I vowed never to cross in my pursuit of motherhood (though I don’t judge anyone who has done these things – I understand each and every one). I have been true to my word.
I haven’t put my marriage in jeopardy. Our marriage is rock solid.
I haven’t put us in financial jeopardy, which would have been so easy to do.
I haven’t taken money from other people to try and build our family.
I haven’t continued in a direction that didn’t feel “right” for us as a couple (infertility treatment specifically).
I haven’t fixated on what I don't have to the exclusion of all that I DO have (though I’ve had my moments). I would have missed out on so much these past few years if I had gone to that dark place.
But, I do wonder if I’ve been “in this” for so long that I've lost my perspective - yet another thing I never wanted to do.
We had four solid irons in the fire a month ago. Now all four have gone cold. Is that our sign? Would I even know it if it was? I’m truthfully not sure. I don’t like that.
Looks like someone has some more soul-searching to do.
**** Though I appreciate the very good intentions behind it, please oh please don’t write and tell me what to pray, or how to pray.
