List

Okay, I tried the nap but I have too much floating around in my head to sleep. I learned a lot – WE learned a lot the past few days. I don’t know that it will come out in any particular order, but here goes . . .

1. Before agreeing to a placement, it is essential to ask the following question, “Will any of the children be given THREE sippy cups of Dr. Pepper and TWO neon green quasi-fruit drinks by their bio parent(s) prior to me picking them up?” Trust me.

2. You may think that you are a pretty smart, on-the-ball adult, but children will always, always find a way to get to the things you don’t want them to have.

3. Additionally, you may think that you have your home pretty well child-proofed. That is all well and good until four busy hands come racing down the hall honed in on the things cost a lot of money, are irreplaceable, or can cause them grave bodily injury.

4. ONE CHILD is plenty for us. Plenty. This experience definitely disavowed me of the notion that “two or three might be nice”. One. One is good.

5. I cry more easily if I don’t get enough sleep but learned this week that I can actually be too tired to cry. Didn’t even know that was possible.

6. Do not make one of your favorite childhood comfort foods (Kraft mac-n-cheese in the blue box) for the kids if you are new to caring for two toddlers. You might just find yourself eating all of the leftovers with a big red serving spoon.

7. Watching Sponge Bob and Blue’s Clues will make you long for the days of Bugs Bunny, the Roadrunner, and The Electric Company.

8. There are some really adorable kids in the foster care system.

9. The best way to clean up goldfish crackers and cheerios that have been pulverized on your hardwood floor is just by the brush of your foot, sending them sailing under the sofa till you can get the vacuum out later in the day (week).

10. Spaghetti may not be the easiest thing for a child to eat, but it sure is fun to watch them try.

11. It is going to be virtually impossible for us to guard our hearts in this process. We tried and tried to keep an emotional distance, particularly from the baby who was so beautiful, laid back, and smart, but we just couldn’t do it. We both hated to see him go and would have gladly kept him for a lifetime.

12. My husband is an absolute natural as a father. Every time he’d walk in the room, The Older Boy would say, “Hiya Daddy!”, completely filled with glee, and The Younger Boy’s face would light up and he’d throw up his arms to be picked up, calling him “Dadadada”. They just adored him and spent most evenings in his lap.

13. 40-year-old knees are not the same as 20-year-old-knees.

14. Naptimes and bedtimes are a beautiful thing. Oh so beautiful.

15. You can spend all kinds of $ on toys, but the children’s favorite things will be a cardboard box, a hairbrush, and the baby wipes container.

16. Baby poop really is green sometimes. I’d forgotten that. (Sorry for the gross out.)

17. Silence can be a really lovely thing, or a really lonely thing. I've experienced both in the last couple of hours.

The past 4 days have definitely answered some questions for us, and raised some others. When I arrive at some answers re: any of it, or when I wake up from my planned 28-hour slumber, I’ll be back. Whichever comes first.

A Poem

The Boys were here, but now they're gone.

They've left a mess to carry on.

To all toddler parents I tip my cap.

That's all for now, I need a nap.

(And a masseuse and a maid, while we're at it.)

SOS

Got a call at 11 am to do respite care for a couple of days for a 1 1/2 and a 2 1/2 year old. Literally just peed five minutes ago for the first time in 9 hours. I have never been so exhausted. And still haven't eaten lunch. Considering that it's too late for dinner, I guess lunch is out of the question.

Please send ten more pairs of hands asap.

Hu*mp Day Update

1. Nothing new from our SW, so we’re assuming our home study still hasn’t been approved. Sigh.

2. For the first few days after asking our SW to sign us up as a foster resource for the county, I jumped every time the phone rang. Happily I’ve stopped that, but I still don’t let calls go to voicemail as often as I used to.

3. We went and picked up the new baby furniture this morning – crib and changing table. Neither one of us is too excited to open the boxes and start reading directions and assembling, but we’ll get it done in the next couple of days.

4. I’m a girl who likes a project. I was thinking about painting a big apple tree on one of the walls of the child’s room, filled with birds and maybe a birdhouse or two. But I can’t paint. Or draw. I’m serious. My art teacher in high school offered to help me transfer out of Intermediate Drawing. So I decided to make a huge wall hanging out of fabric. More specifically, from the fabric remnants of the quilt that I made for the bed in there, so it will match. I’ve done about 100+ leaves in different green shades and patterns, and am now making flowers from red and blue calicoes, and will move on to bright yellow birds with different colored wings. I even bought a wooden birdhouse to cover in fabric and “hang” on the trunk of the tree. Hopefully it will be cute. It’s VERY cute in my head!

5. I had the weirdest thing happen last Wednesday. I ran a bunch of errands and noticed that my right knee was a little bit swollen and tight. It didn’t hurt, though, so I wandered all over Wal*mart and went about my business. When I got home, I sat down at the computer for about ten minutes and put that leg up on one of the printers we have sitting under the desk. That’s how I sit all the time – how I’m sitting now, in fact. Anyway, when I went to get up, I couldn’t. I was in excruciating pain and simply could not walk. After a call to my husband, I half crawled/half hobbled to my bed where I put my leg up for about an hour. The best way I can describe it was a charley horse in my knee. I’ve never heard of anyone having that, but that’s just what it felt like. Anyway, I was about to walk after that hour, limping pretty badly but I was simply glad to be able to make it to the bathroom by myself. The next morning I was just a little bit sore and after that, just fine. Feeling 100% again the past few days. It's hell to get old.

6. I just want to say again how humbled I was to get your comments and e-mails re: us fostering. Your advice and support was and is invaluable and I am so humbled to receive it. So thank you all once again.

7. Spring has definitely sprung 'round these parts. Our forsythia is blooming, our roses are putting out new growth like crazy, and our big dogwood tree is budding out. Should only be a matter of days before the world is a lovely yellowish pollen color.

8. We went to see our niece in her high school pageant last weekend. She was chosen as her grade representative and was also picked as best interview. We’re so proud of her.

9. Started a new way of eating a couple of weeks ago – the same way I ate when I lost a lot of weight (over 100 pounds) several years ago. I’m down about 20 pounds with a l-o-n-g way to go, but at least I’ve taken the first step and have a lot more energy than I did.

10. Tomorrow is the 6th anniversary of the first time O & I ever spoke. In one way it seems like just yesterday. In another I can’t remember what I ever did without him. I’m a very lucky girl.

Happy day everybody!

March 9, 2009 *Updated*

I have a sneaking suspicion that years from now I'll look back on this day - the day we sent in our request to be foster parents - as one that changed our lives.

Hopefully for the better.

We shall see.

I just e-mailed the SW. Now I need to jump in the shower and go run some errands so I'm not sitting at the computer hitting the "refresh" button every five minutes waiting for her response.

*** 3:30pm ***

Just got an e-mail from our SW. We've been added to the list of foster resources for that county. She said that if we ever get a call to take a child, to call her cell # (which she provided) so she can make sure we've been given the appropriate information on the child. It feels so good to have someone looking out for us!

And the Questions Keep On Coming . . .

Okay, I'm in need of a bit more advice, if y'all don't mind.

Since we're contacting the SW first thing in the morning re: fostering, I'm wondering what I need to have here at the house to be "ready to go". We're willing to foster up to age 3, so that should narrow down the list of "must haves" a little bit.

This is what I have:

two drawers full of clothes up to 3T that should get us through a couple of days if necessary
three crib sheets and crib bedding
a baby monitor
a pack 'n play
a bunch of toys and books
a couple of pacifiers
a couple of receiving-type blankets
baby wash and baby wipes
toddler toothbrushes
bibs
a new car seat
a baby thermometer and medicine dispenser

The crib and changing table will be here in about a week.

It's so hard to know what to get, but I'm a "be prepared" girl, so I want to have some stuff in place in case we get some middle-of-the-night phone call.

Thanks again for any wisdom you have to share.

Send

Thank you thank you thank you to all of you who took the time to post and e-mail your advice. I can't tell you how much it meant to me - to both of us.

O and I sat at the computer for quite a while last night reading your words of wisdom and they really confirmed to us that we're on the right track.

So I wanted you to be the first to know that I just pushed the "send" button on an order for baby furniture. I'll be e-mailing our SW on Monday. We're in!

Holy COW!

? ? ? ? ? ?

O and I are on the verge of a decision.

There is a very strong possibility that in the next week, O and I are going to place a call to our SW and tell her that we are willing to foster.

Some of you who’ve been reading for a while are probably picking your chins up off the floor right about now. We’ve always been adamantly opposed to fostering for a number of reasons. We are, of course, concerned about having our hearts broken. We have little tolerance for people who abuse and neglect their children and as foster parents would likely have to deal with them on a regular basis. Given the way our “case” has been handled – or not handled, we are concerned about having a foster child in our home and not getting the support we would need from a SW (such as them being available to answer questions about the child in a timely manner, authorize Dr. visits, etc.).

All of those reasons are still valid.

But . . . we’re rethinking the age of the child we’re interested in.

Our paperwork currently reflects infant through ten years. Our preference has always been “the younger the better”, but we were willing to look at an older child.

In all the reading I’ve done, though, it seems that so many adoptive parents who’ve traveled that path say, “I love my child. I would not abandon them. But I could not, in good conscience, suggest that anyone else sign up for this.” To me that speaks volumes.

Now, I am aware that their experience would not necessarily be ours. I completely get that it’s not fair to paint all older foster children with the same brush. It’s simply that a young child has always been our preference, and while the paperwork reflects “up to age 10”, we don’t think we’ll ever be called about a very young child.

Also, foster parents are most always given first chance at adopting the children in their care should they become available. While there are people who foster simply to foster – as a way to make a difference in the life of a child - many people are fostering in order to permanently add to their families. Therefore, the number of younger kids available to adoptive parents who haven’t fostered is minimal.

Finally, we like the idea that we're giving a home to a child who really really needs it, even if they are ultimately returned to their bio family.

On the flip side, we realize we’re taking a risk by fostering. It seems unlikely that if we’re fostering, our SW is going to call us about a possible adoptive placement. Why would she do that, and make her life more difficult by having to move the foster child?

Our child’s room is big enough for two. Mia agreed with that, so what we’d do is request only one foster placement, freeing up the other space for an adoptive child. We’d also request placements ages three and under – maybe two and under.

Sigh.

Can you tell I’m just chasing thoughts round and round in my head about this topic?

Those of you who have been right on the verge of the same decision we are trying to make, I’m in serious need of whatever wisdom you can offer. Please feel free to e-mail me if you’d like, and thanks in advance for anything you can share.

I don’t know what we’ll ultimately decide, but I’m betting we’ll go for it. Which means that if we do, I’ll be out later this weekend getting a crib.

Funny isn’t it, that our SW thinks we’ll be approved to adopt within three weeks and NOW we’re going to foster. I just have to shake my head.

Life is so unbelievably strange.

SOL

I heard back from my friend C. and it appears that we are, indeed, out of luck once again.
She said that their policy was "recently revised" to spell out that they won't release copies of studies to other states for six months after approval.

Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Apparently once it's approved, I can get an unofficial copy of our home study and can submit it to states that will accept studies from the family. However, no placement can be made until our D*C*F*S provides an official copy to the state where the child resides, which won't be before 6 months after our approval.

As to the particular child we're interested in, I heard from foster mom who encouraged me not to give up - that it's very possible that the child will be kept in foster care for a year before the worker looks for permanent placement, in which case, the timing would work out just fine (provided our home study is approved in the next couple of months, that is).

On one hand, I'd love nothing more than the opportunity to be considered for this child, but I just don't have it in me to hope that he/she lingers in a foster home, albeit a FANTASTIC foster home, for an extra six months when he/she could be bonding with a forever family during that time.

However, if it happens that the child is still available when we're "ready", I will be a very very happy girl.

I did have one chuckle today re: this whole mess.

In the e-mail from my friend C, she said the state wouldn't release our study for six months "because of the time and effort that D*C*F*S invests in families doing the foster/adopt and home study process".

"BECAUSE OF THE TIME AND EFFORT D*C*F*S INVESTS"??????????

That's the funniest thing I've heard in weeks.

The Good, The Bad & The Really Bad

Well, we got our answer back from the J, our SW. She really is great to respond to things in a timely manner – such a breath of fresh air given what we dealt with for most of last year.

There’s some good news and some bad news.

Good - J already had a list of what was missing from our home study. It was sent to Mia from the state months ago.

Good – She sent the missing paperwork to the state office last week.

Bad – We have approval letters from both the state bureau of investigation and F*B*I but they have our old county’s name on them. J requested updated letters back in December which will have our new county listed, but they have not arrived yet. Until they do, there is a possibility that the state worker can’t/won’t review our home study. There is also a possibility that she will. It’s basically a coin toss.

Good – J has read our home study and says it’s extremely positive. She also said that if the state worker thought there would be any problem with approving us, she would have sent a request for additional information as far as our background goes. She only requested typical paperwork that Mia should have sent in the first place.

Ridiculous – It takes TWO WEEKS to receive mail at the state office. Two Freaking Weeks! Can you imagine running a business where incoming mail took two weeks to reach your desk? Breathtaking. Anyway, that means that the remaining paperwork mailed last week it still floating around somewhere .

Who knew? – We are approved to be foster parents. Have been for a long time. Never knew.

REALLY BAD - The child we are so interested in is out of state. It’s thought that unless something changes, the child’s workers will be looking for a permanent placement in about three months. Jdropped the following bombshell re: that situation:

“There is policy at the state level that your study can’t be sent to another state until it has been at our state office for 6 months (meaning approved and in the system, I think). This gives us the opportunity to try to match you with an in-state child prior to giving you to another state.”

So of course, if our home study is approved within the next month (which J believes it will be) we will only have been in the system two months when they will be seeking permanent placement for the child.

I can’t tell you how livid I am about this, or at least I was after I sat down and had a good old fashioned cry first.

J did say that since I am friendly with one of the foster parents and at least a little bit familiar with the child’s case, the child’s worker could tell our state about that and it might make a difference.

So O and I have decided to take a stand.

Because of the fact that our home study has been at the state for over ONE YEAR, and because of the fact that we have fought for those 12 months to simply have our home study completed only to be ignored, we are going to request that the state make an exception to their rule in the case of this particular child. We are going to ask that they release our home study to this child’s worker when and if it is requested. If for some reason we are not chosen for this child, we are more than happy to continue our search for a child in our home state. It’s our preference actually.

I’ve written to my friend C who works for the state office to try and find out who in the world I’d even send that request to. No word back yet.

It’s entirely possible that I’m spinning my wheels here. Our state has no reason to grant that request. They hold all the cards. But I’m hopeful that if I can write a thoughtful, reasoned letter, they might at least consider it.

I once read something written by a woman who was trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant that perfectly describes where I was when I opened that e-mail yesterday. After another failed IVF cycle she wrote, “I don’t know what I did to deserve what’s happening to me, but it must have been something pretty bad.”

I don’t know why this whole process has been so difficult for us. Why I’ve had the stool kicked out from under my hopes and dreams more times than I can count. Why any time I allow myself to get even a little bit excited, something comes out of left field and I’m leveled again.

I just don’t know.

But what I DO know is that I’m not done fighting yet.

The Language of SW

I’ve discovered a thing or two about dealing with D*C*F*S over the past 12 months. One of the hardest-learned lessons is about something called “SW Speak”.

That’s where you:

1. ask a very specific, very direct question
2. receive a response that you BELIEVE answers the question
3. and then discover once you think about it for a moment that the response doesn’t even remotely ADDRESS the original question

(Oh, and then there are the responses that are just plain old flat out BS. I’ve had a bunch of those too.)

So last night O sent an e-mail to our SW that we hope is about as SW speak proof as he could make it.
The e-mail went a little something like this:

1. A couple of weeks ago, you were going to contact the reso*urce worker at the state who has our home study to find out what was still missing from it. Were you able to get that information?

2. You were going to send the rest of that missing paperwork last week. Did you have the opportunity to do that?

Pretty straight forward, yes?

We also told her that we’d wondered a time or two if our former-SW-from-hell Mia might not have put something disparaging/untrue in our home study after we went to her supervisor about her. We don’t know that she would do that, but at the very least she had the opportunity. So we asked J to please skim our home study if she hadn’t already to see if there were any red flags there.

So now we wait for a response. If patience is a virtue, I’m going to be all kinds of virtuous before this is all said and done. And I don't like it one bit!

Dear Mr. Weatherman

Dear Mr. Weatherman,

I take back every disbelieving thing I ever said about you.

Love, Me