Last week was one for the book.
There was the continuous stomach ache waiting for Wednesday and the decision about Smiley.
The bad news that he was going to be placed in the other home.
O's uncle passed away after 2+ months in ICU - not unexpected but he'd hung on so long, we all just kept hoping that he'd make it somehow.
Then on Saturday morning as I was going through the mail, I opened a card.
A card? Well, that's nice. Someone was thinking of us and that's a good thing, right? But let me back up.
O is a very private person. Very private. But through this foster/adoption process, I've talked to him about us sharing some of what's going on with the people who love us. Not every gory detail, of course, but just brief updates so they'll know what's happening. Most especially our family.
Now, I don't share much with my mother. She has really severe anxiety so any tidbit of information about this topic sends her into a tailspin. I get a series of phone calls about how worried SHE is, how SHE can't sleep for thinking about it, how her cousin adopted two kids from foster care and one has spent most of his life in jail. Blah blah blah.
But I've made an effort to keep my SIL E and my MIL in the loop, with the understanding that they PLEASE keep any information I share private.
You have to understand the atmosphere in the small town where O was raised and where E and my MIL still live. Gossip sweeps through that town like wildfire. Everyone knows everyone else's business and the main jumping off spot for all the gossip seems to be the churches. I have never experienced anything like it. Thus, the very explicit and constant requests for them to keep our information/journey to themselves. I have never left any room for misinterpretation. Do. Not. Repeat. This.
So Saturday morning, we are on our way to the store and amidst all the mail is this card. Which I open. It is from E and my MIL's Wednesday night ladies' church group. Some sentiment about life being hard sometimes but God being with us on the journey. Signed by every one of them - 20+ women.
I can't explain to you what I felt in that moment. Anger. Betrayal. Sadness. Rage.
I called E from the parking lot of the store and the conversation went a little something like this:
(Oh, and imagine my voice shaking and me being almost to the point of tears, I'm so mad. It was pretty.)
me: E, I am interested in what was said at church that caused 20-some-odd- people to sign a card for us.
E: Oh, that was the Wed. night group. I just told them that my brother and SIL had had a rough week and that I wanted them to know we were thinking about them.
me: So the word "adoption" was never mentioned?
E: Welllllllll, I did mention that you were trying to adopt a little boy and it hadn't worked out.
me: E, every single time I have mentioned anything related to adoption to you, I have asked for you to keep our information private. This is OUR business NOT their business. I understand and appreciate what caused you to do this, but I don't know these people and O knows every single one of them. If we wanted them to pray for us, we would have contacted them (including the women he went to school with and the girl he took to prom for hell's sake!) and asked them to pray for us.
E: Well, most of them already knew . . .
me: If any ONE of them knew, it was only because you or your mother told them.
E: Well, I'm sorry but I was only trying to help . . . (To me the BUT negates everything she said before that.)
me: It does not help us for all of these people to know our private business. It doesn't. It is OUR story to share or not share, not yours. It's not your decision.
At one point she either stopped talking or had cell phone problems, and I just handed the phone to O. I was too mad to continue talking to her.
He told her how difficult the week had been and that to receive this news on top of it was very hurtful.
I haven't heard from her since, but will have to see her this afternoon at O's Uncle's viewing. I am every bit as angry as I was on Saturday morning. I just can not believe she took it upon herself to open her big fat mouth like this. I don't want to see her - not even a little bit.
Rarely have I felt so betrayed.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Today's the Day . . . Maybe
The ISP for Smiley should be in full swing. My tummy is in so many knots I don't know if it will ever feel right again. Please oh Please oh Please oh Please.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Right To It
1. My friend E, who announced the other day that she is thinking of adopting? Haven't heard a word from her. No call or e-mail to see if I've heard anything about Smiley. Nothing. I am so glad. I have zero mindshare left for her b.s. or any drama of any kind at this point. my head just might explode.
2. Smiley's ISP meeting is at 9am tomorrow. O spoke briefly with the adoption worker this morning. He'll go from that meeting right into another one so we shouldn't expect to hear anything till around lunchtime. He said he plans to ask the person who now wants Smiley some very difficult questions and a lot will depend on how she answers them. But he also said that the ultimate decision is not his, but lies with the county. At least it's almost over, one way or another. But please oh please oh please let them do what's best for Smiley.
2. Smiley's ISP meeting is at 9am tomorrow. O spoke briefly with the adoption worker this morning. He'll go from that meeting right into another one so we shouldn't expect to hear anything till around lunchtime. He said he plans to ask the person who now wants Smiley some very difficult questions and a lot will depend on how she answers them. But he also said that the ultimate decision is not his, but lies with the county. At least it's almost over, one way or another. But please oh please oh please let them do what's best for Smiley.
Monday, February 8, 2010
It's a Date
This morning I received an e-mail from Smiley's adoption worker.
The ISP is set for Wednesday February 10th. He anticipates a final decision being made at that time, but he couldn't make any promises.
I have to say that I am ready for a resolution to this. Since we found out that we were chosen as the family to be presented to the adoption committee, I've had a nervous flutter in my stomach. Then with last Monday's call telling us about this new person that's come forward and now wants Smiley, my stomach has just flat out hurt most of the time. I am ready for O and I to get on with our lives, one way or another.
Whatever they decide, I just hope that above all they will make his safety and well-being their top priority. That is my main concern - far outweighing whether we get to bring him home. I just want him to be safe.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
To Pissed for a Title
Someone from our local D*C*F*S told us that a particular child would be placed in our home almost immediately if the situation with Smiley didn't work out.
I learned something this morning that more than contradicted that and let me tell you, I was so angry I was shaking. It is certainly divine intervention that it wasn't a weekday because there is no doubt that I would have picked up the phone and had a conversation that I probably would have regretted.
My sweet, even-tempered, easy going husband was as angry as I was, so we decided to get out of here and go to BigCity for lunch with my parents and some shopping afterwards. Just what we needed.
Am I still angry? Hell yes I am angry. But at least I can no longer hear my own heart beating in my ears. That's progress.
I learned something this morning that more than contradicted that and let me tell you, I was so angry I was shaking. It is certainly divine intervention that it wasn't a weekday because there is no doubt that I would have picked up the phone and had a conversation that I probably would have regretted.
My sweet, even-tempered, easy going husband was as angry as I was, so we decided to get out of here and go to BigCity for lunch with my parents and some shopping afterwards. Just what we needed.
Am I still angry? Hell yes I am angry. But at least I can no longer hear my own heart beating in my ears. That's progress.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Can I Just Say?
Okay, I am going to begin this post with the understanding that I am going to come across as a whiny child. I'm fine with that. Cause it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to.
In the past, I have written a few posts about one of my closest friends and the turmoil we've had in our relationship from time to time.
In the ten years that I've known her, two particularly huge things have happened to me. I met and married O, and we embarked on this journey to become parents. E has had a difficult time being happy for me when wonderful things are unfolding. In the weeks leading up to my wedding, it seemed that she did everything possible to ruin my happiness. As we were completing our home visits with our social worker and were about to find out if she was going to recommend us as adoptive parents, E went missing. She said it was just too hard to see us on the road to achieving something that she'd always wanted and that, in her mid-40's (at that time), she'd probably never have.
For my own sake, I took a MAJOR step back at that point, and stopped communicating with her for several months until our little group of girlfriends was gathering from around the country at my house for few days. While the trip had been organized before she and I went our separate ways, she still planned to come and I decided to bury the hatchet, at least for the duration of her visit. First of all, I'd never want anyone to be uncomfortable in my home and secondly, I thought it took a lot of courage for her to fly in for that weekend - that it must have been really important to her.
As the weekend wound down and we had a little bit of time to ourselves, she broke down crying - apologizing for her actions and asking for forgiveness. Of course I forgave her, and while our relationship is not as close as it once was, we do talk on the phone every couple of days.
Since that time she has seemingly been very supportive of and excited for us re: adoption.
So, since all this news about Smiley has come up in the past couple of weeks, I've noticed that she's been a little bit short - that her affect seems a bit flat. BUT, she's also been sick with some sort of respiratory nightmare since Christmas and is only in the last getting better. I'd be short and flat too, so I hadn't thought much of it.
Another thing I should probably tell you that 75% of our conversations (or more) are about her. She really likes/needs to talk about herself. I am completely fine with that. I've never had a big need to blah blah blah on about myself (except here!) and if I do, I have lots of friends who are great listeners. (She is, however, a great listener when things are going badly.)
It seems like when the attention shifts too much to me, as when I was planning my wedding and when we were getting our initial foster/adoption stuff done, she seems threatened and has to do something to shift it right back to herself.
Thursday we were talking about Smiley, and just how crazy this situation is - how challenging it is to be standing in our shoes, so very close to having a child of our own yet still in limbo.
There was a pause in the conversation and she said, "I've been thinking about adopting."
Even as I write this, I recognize that I sound so petty but my first thought was, "You have got to freaking be kidding me."
For anyone else, I would have been so excited and would have immediately started sharing all that I've learned from these years of gathering information and reading blogs. Instead, I was mad, because it just felt so eerily similar to the days before my wedding when I was on the verge of something life-changing and purely wonderful, and she had to shift the attention back to herself.
Yes, I recognize that it could all be very innocent - that she's seen us getting closer to parenthood and has started thinking about taking steps to become a mom herself. Yes, I recognize it's likely that I am being an overreacting butt.
But it just seems to be entirely too coincidental - the timing of everything. It seems very passive aggressive.
I don't know. I'm just going to take a couple of days to get over myself and I guess I'll go from there.
In the past, I have written a few posts about one of my closest friends and the turmoil we've had in our relationship from time to time.
In the ten years that I've known her, two particularly huge things have happened to me. I met and married O, and we embarked on this journey to become parents. E has had a difficult time being happy for me when wonderful things are unfolding. In the weeks leading up to my wedding, it seemed that she did everything possible to ruin my happiness. As we were completing our home visits with our social worker and were about to find out if she was going to recommend us as adoptive parents, E went missing. She said it was just too hard to see us on the road to achieving something that she'd always wanted and that, in her mid-40's (at that time), she'd probably never have.
For my own sake, I took a MAJOR step back at that point, and stopped communicating with her for several months until our little group of girlfriends was gathering from around the country at my house for few days. While the trip had been organized before she and I went our separate ways, she still planned to come and I decided to bury the hatchet, at least for the duration of her visit. First of all, I'd never want anyone to be uncomfortable in my home and secondly, I thought it took a lot of courage for her to fly in for that weekend - that it must have been really important to her.
As the weekend wound down and we had a little bit of time to ourselves, she broke down crying - apologizing for her actions and asking for forgiveness. Of course I forgave her, and while our relationship is not as close as it once was, we do talk on the phone every couple of days.
Since that time she has seemingly been very supportive of and excited for us re: adoption.
So, since all this news about Smiley has come up in the past couple of weeks, I've noticed that she's been a little bit short - that her affect seems a bit flat. BUT, she's also been sick with some sort of respiratory nightmare since Christmas and is only in the last getting better. I'd be short and flat too, so I hadn't thought much of it.
Another thing I should probably tell you that 75% of our conversations (or more) are about her. She really likes/needs to talk about herself. I am completely fine with that. I've never had a big need to blah blah blah on about myself (except here!) and if I do, I have lots of friends who are great listeners. (She is, however, a great listener when things are going badly.)
It seems like when the attention shifts too much to me, as when I was planning my wedding and when we were getting our initial foster/adoption stuff done, she seems threatened and has to do something to shift it right back to herself.
Thursday we were talking about Smiley, and just how crazy this situation is - how challenging it is to be standing in our shoes, so very close to having a child of our own yet still in limbo.
There was a pause in the conversation and she said, "I've been thinking about adopting."
Even as I write this, I recognize that I sound so petty but my first thought was, "You have got to freaking be kidding me."
For anyone else, I would have been so excited and would have immediately started sharing all that I've learned from these years of gathering information and reading blogs. Instead, I was mad, because it just felt so eerily similar to the days before my wedding when I was on the verge of something life-changing and purely wonderful, and she had to shift the attention back to herself.
Yes, I recognize that it could all be very innocent - that she's seen us getting closer to parenthood and has started thinking about taking steps to become a mom herself. Yes, I recognize it's likely that I am being an overreacting butt.
But it just seems to be entirely too coincidental - the timing of everything. It seems very passive aggressive.
I don't know. I'm just going to take a couple of days to get over myself and I guess I'll go from there.
Squeaky Clean
What a hell of a week.
On Sunday, I glued one of my eyes partially shut with superglue . . . just for a minute. Or five.
On Monday, I got the call from the adoption worker telling us about the new person deciding after years of not making any effort to bring Smiley into their family that they now want him. I didn't talk much for the rest of the day. When I'm upset (or frustrated, or angry, or thinking a lot), I get quiet and clean things. On the bright side, our house is sparkly clean.
On Tuesday, our worker J called to let us know the adoption committee loved us, but that she had absolutely no idea whether we'd end up with Smiley or not. Thus, more quietness. More cleaning.
On Wednesday, Smiley's adoption worker called to confirm what J had already told us - that the adoption committee had no questions or concerns about us as an adoptive resource for Smiley, and that they'd have no problem offering us the option to adopt him IF he's not sent to live with this new person. The irony of that call was not lost on me. What would have been a, "Congratulations! It's a boy!" call was instead, "Congratulations! We think you're great but there is a strong possibility that you're never going to meet Smiley." More quiet. More cleaning - this time UNDER furniture.
Then O and I got into a squabble, which we never do. It was just his work stress plus adoption stress, plus my adoption stress and BAM, we're being not nice to each other. Luckily we have a rule that bad feelings are never allowed to go on. We don't jump in the car and drive away, or have hours of stewing and festering. We take few-minute break and then it's back together to work it out. We were almost immediately apologizing and hugging and back to normal, but the fact that we squabbled at all indicates the level of frustration going on around here.
Today? Well, hopefully today will be better. I don't have many things left to clean.
On Sunday, I glued one of my eyes partially shut with superglue . . . just for a minute. Or five.
On Monday, I got the call from the adoption worker telling us about the new person deciding after years of not making any effort to bring Smiley into their family that they now want him. I didn't talk much for the rest of the day. When I'm upset (or frustrated, or angry, or thinking a lot), I get quiet and clean things. On the bright side, our house is sparkly clean.
On Tuesday, our worker J called to let us know the adoption committee loved us, but that she had absolutely no idea whether we'd end up with Smiley or not. Thus, more quietness. More cleaning.
On Wednesday, Smiley's adoption worker called to confirm what J had already told us - that the adoption committee had no questions or concerns about us as an adoptive resource for Smiley, and that they'd have no problem offering us the option to adopt him IF he's not sent to live with this new person. The irony of that call was not lost on me. What would have been a, "Congratulations! It's a boy!" call was instead, "Congratulations! We think you're great but there is a strong possibility that you're never going to meet Smiley." More quiet. More cleaning - this time UNDER furniture.
Then O and I got into a squabble, which we never do. It was just his work stress plus adoption stress, plus my adoption stress and BAM, we're being not nice to each other. Luckily we have a rule that bad feelings are never allowed to go on. We don't jump in the car and drive away, or have hours of stewing and festering. We take few-minute break and then it's back together to work it out. We were almost immediately apologizing and hugging and back to normal, but the fact that we squabbled at all indicates the level of frustration going on around here.
Today? Well, hopefully today will be better. I don't have many things left to clean.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Oy Vey
Heard from our wonderful worker a little while ago. The meeting went beautifully as far as anyone having any concerns re: us. They think we'd be great parents for Smiley. It simply remains to be seen what the county will do about this new person who has come forward.
That should be resolved in the next couple of weeks.
Till then . . . we wait.
Oy Vey.
That should be resolved in the next couple of weeks.
Till then . . . we wait.
Oy Vey.
Monday, February 1, 2010
The Blind Side
I knew it wasn't a good thing when I saw Smiley's adoption worker's phone number come up on my caller ID.
Someone who does not know Smiley has come forward and want to adopt him. This person is not biologically related, though they do have a tie to him - one that D*C*F*S considers very important.
So, the meeting to present us/our home study to the committee will go on as planned tomorrow. Then the adoption worker is going to try to get himself, this person, and Smiley's worker together this week and figure out what is going on. As he told Smiley's worker, "This isn't fair - we are playing with these people's (our) lives."
I can't believe this. I was not even remotely prepared for this.
Someone who does not know Smiley has come forward and want to adopt him. This person is not biologically related, though they do have a tie to him - one that D*C*F*S considers very important.
So, the meeting to present us/our home study to the committee will go on as planned tomorrow. Then the adoption worker is going to try to get himself, this person, and Smiley's worker together this week and figure out what is going on. As he told Smiley's worker, "This isn't fair - we are playing with these people's (our) lives."
I can't believe this. I was not even remotely prepared for this.
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