Seven on Sunday

* My husband knows how crazy I am about decorating for Christmas and every year since we got married, he’s added more and more lights to our front yard display. He’s definitely outdone himself this year. He worked outside in the cold for most of the day yesterday and was out there again this morning in the freezing cold wind, adding a few final touches here and there. Last night we raced away from the house just before dark, so we could return a couple of hours later to see the lights in all their glory for the first time. It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

*I bought my first pair of reading glasses earlier this week. It’s official. I’m old.

*Also in the “No seriously. I’m old” category, my knee is swollen. It doesn’t really hurt very much – an occasional pain but mostly it’s just swollen. And I have no idea how it happened. None.

*We had snow on Thursday – only an inch or so, but it came down in big fat flakes and stayed on the ground for a long while. If I needed any further prodding to embrace the Christmas spirit, that was it. Of course, I also love that I live in a place where I still have pansies happily blooming on the front porch.

*Since our case was transferred back to the county where we did our foster/adopt classes two weeks ago, I’ve e-mailed back and forth with J (the woman who taught our foster/adopt classes and who is working to get our home study finished) more than I did in the entire nine months we “belonged” to our county’s D*C*F*S. Of course, last I heard, J was still waiting for Nicole (the supervisor) to get our paperwork copied and sent to her. I really like J. I hope she’s not holding her breath waiting for THAT to happen.

*From the “It’s a small world” category, remember the brother and sister we were contacted about adopting last month? Well, I was happily reading one of my favorite blogs earlier this week and there was a post about a SW in the blogger’s area who was purposefully withholding information about a brother/sister pair she was trying to place. Namely that they have been diagnosed with R*A*D. Seems that divulging that information up front had caused several families to walk away from placement. As I kept reading, all of my alarm bells started ringing. A couple of e-mails back and forth with this blogger and sure enough, those kids are the ones we were approached about. We aren’t heartbroken by any means, though the R*A*D diagnosis is a deal breaker for us. We’d already come to the conclusion that we weren’t a good fit for these kids. But what a great lesson for us. From the beginning O felt like there was something wrong about this situation. Two adorable kids, very high IQ’s, TPR’ed years and years ago. WHY hadn’t they been adopted already? Something didn’t add up there. How very important it is to listen to our “guts”, no matter how good the story or how cute the faces. On a positive note, after talking with our SW about the kids for over an hour, and in reviewing our notes, one of the questions I sent back to have answered was specifically about R*A*D. There had been no mention of it – no indication that either one of them had that diagnosis, but I’ve learned to take nothing for granted when dealing with the “system” and the people in it. So that didn’t fly under my radar. That makes me feel a bit more confident that I can hold my own in this arena.

 Happy Sunday y’all!*Finally, and if you’re a regular reader, you might want to sit down for this. We’re considering fostering. I know, I know. We’ve both been adamantly against it since the beginning. All the reasons we DON’T want to do it are still valid. It’s just that now we’re starting to look at the reasons why maybe we SHOULD. Of course, until we can come to a very firm decision, we won’t be breathing a word of this to our SW, lest we have a child plunked into our kids’ room by sundown. We want to be more sure of what we’re getting ourselves into. Along those lines, I have made a list of my favorite foster/adopt blogs for O to read over the next couple of weeks. From our D*C*F*S training, he has a good foundation of knowledge but that being said, he has NO IDEA how bad it can be. So this is one topic that is definitely to be continued. And in the meantime, any advice would be appreciated, either here on via e-mail.

Five Years

Five years ago today I married the love of my life. I still can't believe he chose me.
Thank you baby! I love you so!

Three Words . . .

Transfer Approved.

Hallelujah!

I can't imagine why I'd be surprised to be waiting an inordinate amount of time to hear from our county's D*C*F*S. But I am. Perhaps I'll never learn.

On Monday, November 24th, O dropped off a letter to the director of our county's D*C*F*S requesting our transfer to the county where we did our foster/adopt classes. It went a little something like this:

Dear Ms. Director,

My husband O and I contacted you back in August 2008 requesting your assistance in getting our home study completed.

To refresh your memory, we took our foster/adopt classes in Nice County in December 2007 and because we live in Worthless County, were then transferred to you to have our home study done. Our final home visit with our social worker, Mia was March 4th, 2008 and she mailed our home study to the state office at the end of that month.

From the beginning we’ve never felt valued as an adoptive resource by Worthless County. Even during our home study, calls and e-mails to Mia went unanswered for weeks at a time, to the point that I had to contact social workers in Nice and Helpful Counties to get our questions answered.

In May 2008 we contacted Mia via e-mail in an attempt to facilitate better communication between us. She never responded to that e-mail, then or since, and we chose to contact her supervisor Nicole a couple of weeks later.

We were then hopeful that our home study would be completed in a timely manner. Since then, however, the only progress that has been made toward that end is when we’ve found out the specific paperwork our consultant in the state office is missing and have contacted Nicole to find out why.

Even then, our home study is still incomplete almost nine months after our final home visit, and almost a year after transferring to Worthless County.

At this point, we believe it would be in everyone’s best interest to discontinue our relationship with Worthless County. Because Nice County did our foster/adopt classes and knows us better, they may find it easier to complete our study in a timely manner and provide a more accurate recommendation about our child preferences and our ability to adopt children from the foster care system.

Therefore, we are writing to formally request that our case be moved back to Nice County.

I have spoken with J, who taught our foster/adopt classes, and she has contacted her supervisor as well as the County Director. They have generously agreed to this transfer provided that you give your consent.

Should you have any questions or need additional information, O and I will be happy to provide it. You can contact us at our home (555)555-5555 or via E-mail at blahblahblah@blahblah.net. I am certain that both J. in Nice County and C. at the state office (who has been very helpful to us) would be glad to answer any questions you may have as well.

We are hopeful that our case can be transferred quickly and if there is anything we can do to facilitate that, please do not hesitate to let us know.

My husband O will be in touch with you in a few days to find out your decision.

Thank you for your time.

This is a much tamed down version of what I wanted to write, but I decided to start off nicer and then go in with guns blazing if necessary.

O called her two days after dropping off the letter and left a message on her voice mail requesting a call back. It's now a week later and we haven't heard a word. He tried again yesterday but she wasn't in, or at least wasn't answering her phone.

Yes, there may be some really valid reason why she hasn't returned our call or responded to the letter. She may be out of the office sick, or on vacation, or at a conference. She may be gathering information from Mia and Nicole. Of course, she never responded to our request for her help in completing our home*study back in August. O finally had to call her. So forgive me if I'm a bit cynical.

Let me tell you right now that this situation completely conflicts with my Christmasey-goodwill-towards-men-attitude and it's PISSING ME OFF! (Ha - I just cracked myself up!) Oh well, enough about that mess.

Thanksgiving was really nice 'round here. I cooked two seperate dinners which meant that I was up at 6am. I love Thanksgiving morning, when it's still dark outside and I'm tiptoeing around trying not to wake O up, cooking up a storm in my pink bathrobe and listening to the first carols of the year. (Okay, I MIGHT have been listening to Harry Connick Jr's Christmas CD since August - just occasionally.)

My mom and dad came for lunch, and O's family came for dinner. They like each other and get along very well, but I don't get to spend much time with Mom and Dad if the house is overflowing with people, so it works out better to do them separately.

I was on my feet the entire day but I loved it, especially the part between lunch and dinner when I sprawled out on the bed in our guest room/Alabama room/computer room while O was reading football stuff online and he massaged my feet for a while. A man who is loving and generous and kind is all well and good but a man who can give a good foot massage - PRICELESS!

Then on Saturday our beloved football team beat the living crap out of our in-state rivals and we loved every single minute of it. O had a friend over and while I usually watch with them, I decided instead to work on putting up Christmas trees whilst keeping an eye on the game. (Yes, we have seven decorated trees in our home this year.) O and I enjoyed the game so much that when we woke up at 6:30am Sunday morning, he turned on the Christmas lights in our bedroom and I went and got the DVD of the game, and we crawled in bed, snuggled up, and watched every single play again. And laughed and laughed and laughed.

Last night I finished our 4-page Christmas letter, chock full of pictures from 2008. I love putting it together, even though this year took about ten times longer than usual because our color printer is on its' last legs. Every sixth page, some of the printing was off to the side due to problems with the "carriage" not returning properly, whatever mechanism is supposed to suck through one page at a time would occasionally just grab up and ruin a whole bunch, and then there's the matter of the lovely discolored streak that runs down every single page. Sigh . . . But it's done now, and this hateful printer will soon be replaced by a shiny new one wrapped under the Christmas tree.

The next week should be a whirlwind with O's high school playing in the state football championship, our college team playing another rival in the SEC Championship on Saturday and the accompanying party we'll be hosting, our 5th anniversary which is also Saturday, a trip to Nashville overnight to see the lights at the Opryland hotel, Christmas shopping with my parents, and I'm sure I'm missing a few things. Gosh, I do so love this time of year! And I vow and declare here and now that I'm not going to let the Grinches at D*C*F*S spoil a minute of my fun.

Cross 'em If You've Got 'em

I got an e-mail today letting us know that the county we want to transfer to will take us if our home county will give permission for that to happen. I’m working on a letter to the county director making the formal request and plan to send it out via e-mail or hard copy on Monday. I am currently crossing everything I’ve got that this happens.

And now, a confession. I am a geek.

There is a commercial for overstockdotcom that’s been running for a few weeks. It brings a halt to anything I’m doing each time it runs. It starts with a gentleman going into a restaurant and having his picture taken. A beautiful girl puts the Polaroid of him up on a bulletin board and then turns to the computer and orders a Christmas gift for him. The next scene is of the restaurant, Marcy Jo’s Meal House in Tennessee, with white lights on the eaves and wreaths on the windows as a few people run inside to get out of the cold winter’s night. Inside the restaurant is just as lovely, with lights sparkling, and friends gathered together to open their gifts – each one labeled with a Polaroid of their beautiful smiling faces. The commercial then cuts to a woman and a man, Joey and Rory, sitting in front of a Christmas tree singing a song to their friends called “If Not For You” as he plays the guitar. Their harmony is lovely. Her voice is sweet and true. It gets me every time – makes me sigh and feel warm and nostalgic. And each time it ends, I think “Damn overstockdotcom, you’re good! Perfect nostalgic scene, homey restaurant, friends gathered, beautiful decorations, extraordinary song and voices that wrap around you like a warm blanket. Wouldn’t it be nice if all that was real instead of the creation of some advertising guy in an office somewhere?”

This is where the (first) geeky part comes in.

I went to youtubedotcom to see if the song “If Not For You” is on there. It is – well, the commercial is. Then I googled “Marcy Jo’s Meal House”. It’s a real place. Owned by the woman singing in the commercial, whose name is really Joey. Who is married to the guy harmonizing with her in the song. Whose name really is Rory. He wrote the song. They live two hours from my house, in Columbia Tennessee.

I watched the tape they sent in to a reality show called “Can You Duet?” talking about their lives and their love, their singing and his song writing. At the end, as she’s talking about him, she says, “I’m his singer” and he then the camera cuts to him and he says, “and I’m her song.” And I started to cry. Geek-o-rama. I’m not the only one, though. There is a clip on youtubedotcom of them singing Freebird on “Can You Duet?” Naomi Judd is bawling up a storm too.

Anyway, it’s real – the warmth and beauty and love in the commercial is real, and that, along with those beautiful voices, makes me cry.

My husband is buying me their CD’s and is taking me to Marcy Jo’s for our anniversary in a couple of weeks. That is, if I think I can go in there without immediately bursting into tears.

I hope you love them too.

Mini Update

Well, I have a little bit more information, but not a lot at this point. This is what I know.

O and I had several long conversations about the kids over the weekend and I e-mailed J this morning letting her know that we were definitely interested, but had some additional questions. She wrote back right away and said the worker trying to place them really wants a home with experienced parents. Except that one of their prerequisites was also that it be a home with no other children. Mmmmkay. Not the first time I've been confused by D*C*F*S.

Anyway, the state worker who has our still-incomplete home study was going to send what paperwork she had to the kids' worker anyway, for her to review and see if we might be suitable even with the lack of parenting experience.

I told one of my close girlfriends about this opportunity on Thursday night and as we were ending the conversation she said, "I'll be praying that you get (boy) and (girl) and that you can adopt them." A very sweet sentiment, but I corrected her and asked instead for her to pray that it becomes very clear to us and to the workers involved whether we are a good fit for them and vice versa. If they are, then fantastic. If they aren't, it wouldn't be a good situation for any of us. So that's what I'm keeping in mind. If they are supposed to be "ours", they will be. If they aren't, then there is a another child (or children) out there somewhere and we are slowly working our way towards each other.

J is also checking with her supervisor about us switching to their county. I'd thought that it wasn't possible for me to loathe our county any more than I currently do, until I found out this morning that the state worker still doesn't have our background checks from the state Bureau of Investigation or the F*B*I. Nicole was supposed to send them back in the early summer. I told her if they didn't have them at the county level and we needed to go be fingerprinted again, to please let me know right away. Never heard another word. I wrongly assumed that at least THAT little piece was taken care of.

Apparently not.

Loathe.

Holy Cow, by the numbers

8 - the number of hours it takes (with pit stops) to drive to Greenville Mississippi from our home

3 - the number of days we were there while O was working

1 - the number of O's wives who were going stir crazy in the hotel room

45 - the cost of getting a rental car on the last day to alleviate said stir craziness

2 - really neat places to buy Christmas decorations

1 - happier wife

30 - approximate number of e-mails received whilst in Mississippi

1 - number of e-mails that made my heart pound

2 - the number of children we were contacted on Thursday about adopting

1 - much, MUCH happier, if stunned, wife

J, the girl who taught our foster/adopt classes wrote asking if we would be interested in adopting a brother/sister pair they are trying to place pretty quickly. I was dialing her number before I even reached the end of the e-mail. We spoke for about 45 minutes and she had all their paperwork in front of her, so she was able to tell me quite a bit as I frantically tried to get some of it down on paper.

The very basics are this: The kids are legally available for adoption.

They were briefly on the state website and received up to 20 inquiries per day, most being out of state. Their worker wanted to give it one last shot to keep them in-state and had been calling J over and over to see if she could think of anyone locally who would be interested.

Ironically, we made an inquiry about them way back when, but of course it didn't go anywhere because of our incomplete homestudy. J didn't think the status of our homestudy would be a problem. She said when our interest in these two reached the state worker, either she'd be on the phone telling our county to "Finish it NOW" or J said she's drive over to our county, copy every piece of our paperwork, and do whatever it took to finish the homestudy herself.

The kids come with some challenges, but so far none of them are deal breakers for O and I. Of course, that was just a first conversation and we have lots of questions. In fact, O has been so slammed with work and was so exhausted on our drive home last night that we haven't had to opportunity to really talk about it in depth yet. That's on the agenda for this weekend.

So there you go.

1 - tired husband

1 - tired wife

2 - excited people

Update

As you can probably tell from the silence around here, I haven’t felt very “bloggy” lately. I’ve sat down several times over the past couple of weeks to write a new post, but I end up staring at the blinking cursor for a few minutes and moving on. Nothing’s wrong. Just feeling quiet, I guess.

Our trip was beyond wonderful - a much-needed time away for both of us. We spent each night right on the coast, with the surf pounding outside our windows. Heavenly! And yes, we did visit the Roloff farm, or more specifically, their pumpkin patch. We saw Matt's parents, dressed up as sheriff and cowgirl and even more exciting, the Roloff's dog Rocky, who was tearing across the field to the house. (I didn't even know he could run! On the show he just wanders around looking old.) No sightings of any of the main family, but it was fun just the same.

My mother-in-law’s valve replacement last month went really well. The surgeon had to replace more of her aorta than he’d originally thought, which took longer than we expected, of course. We had our section of the waiting room filled to overflowing as friends and family came to wait for news with us. O’s cousin B (who is very close to my MIL) was her nurse from the moment she came to the CICU, which was a huge comfort. I guess it was very hard to get her stabilized for her first couple of hours in the CICU, which we thankfully didn’t know at the time, but after that she did really well. She was in the cardiac unit for three days, and was then moved to a step-down room for almost a week. She’s been in rehab at a nearby nursing home for a little over a week, where she’s working on regaining her strength. I expect she’ll be there most of November.

In the meantime, her kids decided this was the perfect time to redo her sewing room, hallway, and one of her bathrooms. Hardwoods have gone down, paint has gone up on the walls, and knobs, hinges, and lights have been replaced in the bathroom. It’s been hard to keep it a surprise. One of her friends drove past the house on the way to see my MIL and commented on all the workers at the house. Sigh . . . As I’ve said before, you can’t change underwear in that small town without everyone knowing about it.

Anyway, we spent lots of time at the hospital, and now try to visit rehab every day or two. I’m also doing her laundry and trying to keep my FIL stocked with dinners so he won’t revert to his favorites: Vienna sausages. Bleck! His birthday was this past weekend and we got my MIL from rehab we all went to dinner at a nearby restaurant. It was a lot of fun, but also showed me just how far my MIL still has to go before she’ll be even close to back to normal.

I haven’t talked to/heard from Nikki since we traded those snotty e-mails back in late September. I purposefully took a break to get through our trip and the surgery without having to think much about it. C, our wonderful state contact, spoke with the worker assigned to our case at the state office last week. She did receive some paperwork, but it wasn’t what she needed. C contacted Nikki who said they’d “get on it” but the they were short two abuse/neglect investigators so our SW Mia was having to do some of that work too. (Of course, if Mia had done her job in March, April, May, June, July, August, September, or October, that wouldn’t be an issue.) In short, C said she really didn’t have any idea of when they’d get the paperwork to the state.

So, I have contacted the county where we did our foster/adopt classes requesting a transfer. Even if we have to do our home study over from the very beginning, we are happy to if it means that we can break ties with our worthless county. Of course there is the possibility that they may not have the personnel to take us. And then there’s the fact that our county has to give APPROVAL for another county to handle our case. I’d imagine their funding is based on the number of cases they have, so they may not be too eager to let us go. Should that happen, I will be contacting every member of the state’s D*C*F*S board, the D*C*F*S Commissioner, my senators, my representatives, and the newspapers until I find someone who can help us.

I am through being screwed with.

October

misty Cannon Beach afternoon

ever so pretty

on top of the world

hotel room window moonset

ahhhh - Oregon 

geeky TV groupies

pretty Mt. Hood wearing clouds

waterfall hiking speck of a husband

 

Peter Peter pumpkin carver

The end.

Fall

Fall, glorious fall!

I've spent the better part of the last couple of hours sitting at my desk working on first one thing and then another, but my eyes keep being drawn out the window - to our dogwood tree that is turning a beautiful reddish-orange, to the leaves drifting lazily down from the trees in our yard, and to our cat Meow-Meow who has been chasing them around.

Lots on my mind these days, both joyful and troublesome.

All has been quiet on the D*C*F*S front since Nicole and I exchanged those somewhat snotty e-mails several weeks ago. Frankly, I've just needed a break from thinking about it, though earlier this week I did contact the worker who taught our foster/adopt classes to find out what we'd need to do to have our case switched to her county. She got back to me within a few mintues and said she'd love to have us, and gave me some advice as to where we go from here.

O and I have decided to reevaluate in early November and make a decision then. I am pretty certain we'll switch simply because I don't think either of us trusts that a good, honest working relationship with this county is possible anymore. Of course, our current county has to "approve" a switch, and I believe their funding is based on the number of cases they handle each year, so we may have a fight on our hands. that's fine. I've got my ammunition.

I was transferring all my birthdates and anniversaries from my old planner to my new one last weekend and was startled by an entry I made October 9, 2007 - one year ago today.

"First G*P*S class".

I remember how excited I was to get started. I just KNEW that becoming a mom was right around the corner for me. Silly silly girl.

My mother-in-law's heart valve replacement surgery will be October 22nd at one of the hospitals near our home. She (and O and his two sisters) met with the surgeon last week and really liked him and are confident in her choice to have surgery close by.

My cousin A, only three months older than me, is scheduled for surgery tomorrow. Several years ago they found a malig*nant growth on his kid*ney. It was non-invasive so they didn't forsee any further problems. Recently a growth came up near his ear. It was also found to be malignant. Tomorrow's surgery will be to remove lym*ph nodes down and around his jaw*line to see if the malig*nancy has spread.

If you are so inclined, please keep a good thought for both of them.

O and I leave tomorrow for ten days on the Oregon/California coast. Of course I had my pre-trip sinus flare-up (happens every year), for which I got a shot and some medicine on Monday. Feeling much better - just a few sniffles remain. I love where we're going, particularly Oregon, and have a list of places that I can't wait for O to see. Hopeully we'll have a safe and wonderful trip and can recharge our batteries in preparation for O's mom's surgery soon after.

All for now - I'm off to pack! Happy couple of weeks, everyone!

Nap Anyone?

The first little pumpkin of the year from our pumpkin patch!

Nothing new on the adoption front. At least no progress.

Nicole, the SW supervisor, sent us an e-mail over a month ago listing the last few things that needed to be completed on our home study. She said she’d forwarded that list to Mia-the-worthless-social-worker and told her it needed to be completed immediately.

So late last week when I got an update from the state office letting us know that it was still incomplete, I wrote Nikki the following:

According to an e-mail update I received this morning, our home study in the state office is still incomplete. The worker waiting for the information said she’s received part of the information she requested but not everything, and that you were aware of what was still missing.

To my knowledge based on your e-mail of three+ weeks ago, the following is still needed: 1. our contingency plan and 2. information on our first and second family consultations, which occurred in January and February respectively

Your e-mail also mentioned that you told Mia this needed to be completed “immediately”. Can you please tell me when these three things will be sent to Mont*gomery? Thanks so much!

 In response I got back this snotty little e-mail:

Kelly,

Everything will be sent to the state office as soon as possible. Unfortunately, your case is not the only thing we have to work on. We are receiving reports of child abuse and neglect everyday and those have to be completed immediately. To my knowledge, Mia completed the home visit with your contingency plan and is in the process of typing the needed information. As soon as this is completed, it will be sent in.

I was so livid when I got this that I was literally crying, and that has never been my reaction to anger. DO NOT talk down to me and DO NOT act as if I’m being impatient or unreasonable. My response was as follows:

Nicole,

It wasn’t my intention to irritate or disturb you and from the tone of your last e-mail, it seems that I have.

O and I are very much aware that your first priorities must be the children of this county who may be in danger and the foster parents who have agreed to care for them. Because we have chosen not to foster, we know that we are on the bottom of the priority list. That is how it should be and we have no problem with that.

That being said, our final home study visit was the first week of March and our paperwork is still incomplete. Experience has shown us that if we sit back and assume that things are being taken care of, months can pass (and have passed) with no progress whatsoever. That’s why we try to keep on top of the status of the remaining paperwork every couple of weeks.

I referred to the word “immediately” in my previous e-mail because that was what you wrote in your e-mail of August 29th: “I have sent Mia an email with a copy to the Director telling her this needs to be completed immediately.”

We clearly misunderstood because after reading that, we actually did think that completing our home study would then become a priority for Mia and that it would be taken care of quickly – at least within a week or two. Now over three weeks later, I didn’t think it was unreasonable to send an e-mail wondering what the status was and why the worker at the state office is still waiting for several things.

Heaven knows we are certainly not perfect people, but I think we have been pretty patient through this process. However, if you found this morning’s e-mail unreasonable or irritating, I certainly apologize.
What I actually wanted to write would have been a bit more - colorful, shall we say - but would have most likely removed us from consideration as potential adoptive parents.

Anyway, I sent that final e-mail last Friday and never heard anything back – didn’t expect to.

But we’ve got bigger fish to fry at the moment.

We’ve discovered through a routine C*A*T scan that O’s mom has an aortic aneurysm caused by a leaky valve in her heart. She’s had the leaky valve for years, but it’s much worse now so she’ll need open hea*rt surgery.

Her regular cardiologist was out of town so she went to one of his partners to get her test results. (It’s never good when you have a test like that and they call you two hours later to come back to discuss the results.) That was a less than successful appointment. She and her husband were already scared and on edge, I’m sure. Add to that some snippy nurses, and a doctor with a hard-to-understand-accent who was running extremely late and had no bedside manner and it was a recipe for disaster. She left scheduled for surgery this week.

But when I started looking at the operative releases they had her sign, they didn’t match up with what she and her husband thought she was having done. I called O’s sister, E, who is a nurse in the cardiology field, and we basically put a halt to the surgery they had quickly scheduled until we could gather more information. (The surgery was not considered an emergency, by the way, or we would not have cancelled it.)

She had one additional test yesterday which confirmed the aneur*ysm and need for val*ve replacement but ruled out an arter*ial blockage they’d seen on another test, so happily no bypass will be necessary.

I spent literally hours on the phone talking to friends and family to find out which cardiac practices they recommended. We are fortunate to have two of the best in the country within two hours’ drive. She had appointments scheduled with the top physicians at both both, but in the end those were cancelled and she’s going to see a vascu*lar surgeon close to home. My gut tells me to throw a fit and insist that she goes to one of these two top heart centers. If it was my mother, that’s what would be happening . . . period. But I don’t have a say. Anyway, her appointment is next Wednesday. We'll know more then, I'd imagine.

I’ve gingerly done some research on the internet just like a little kid peeking through her fingers at the scary part of a movie. (Okay, I still do that.) I want to gather enough information to know what to expect, mostly so I can let my husband know, but I don’t want to get far enough into it to read all the horror stories I’m sure Dr. Google would have in store for me. Dr. Google never seems to have good news about anything.

And as evidence that I am a complete ass, one of the things I’m worried about in this whole situation is our trip to Oregon. We’re supposed to leave in two weeks but that's doubtful at this point, which makes me want to cry. You have never met two people who are looking forward to (and in need of ) a trip more than O and I.

That being said our first priority is, without question, O’s mom, her health, and supporting her and her husband through this. We’d never for one moment consider leaving if she’s in the hospital or was to have surgery while we were gone. Never. We're just sad at the prospect of cancelling the trip we've been planning for six months.

Frankly, I am mostly concerned with taking good care of O right now. He is so worried about his mom. We’ve both been lucky to be in our 40’s and have all of our parents in good health, so this is a pretty new experience for us.

Well, we’re having friends over for the football game this Saturday and on Sunday will have about 20 people over to celebrate O’s mom’s birthday so I need to go construct a grocery list and get started cleaning this house.

But boy oh boy am I tired. Nap anyone?

Seven Years

On this day seven years ago, two of my very favorite people in the world, Carl and Sue Hammond, lost their only son Carl Max Hammond Jr., as his plane flew into the second tower of the World Trade Center.

Max had a doctorate in physics from UCLA and worked for Los Alamos National Labs and then MITRE Corporation doing top secret research. Our country lost such a brilliant mind when we lost him that day.

But much more importantly, his mom and dad lost one of the two loves of their lives. Sue’s face always lit up when she’d talk about Max and his sister. You could feel her excitement build as each holiday season approached because no matter where Max was living or working, he always, always came home for Christmas.

I went to his memorial service soon after 9/11. Travel was still difficult at that point and people were understandably nervous to get on planes. But the little church in south Alabama was full to overflowing on that beautiful fall afternoon. Friends and family had come en masse from every part of the country to be there to celebrate what a good man he was and mourn what a good man we lost.

I started this day thinking about him – about how much he liked my stuffed pizza. Such a silly thing to remember, but even now it makes me smile. I’ll end the day saying a prayer for him, and for all the people lost on this day seven years ago, and most especially for the families they left behind.

I Wanna Be Done!

I’m pretty sure that around 2:30pm yesterday, hell must have frozen over.

Know why?

Because MIA called my husband!

Well, let’s put it this way. Two weeks ago we received the following from Nicole, Mia's supervisor:

“I have sent Mia an email with a copy to the Director telling her this (the remaining portions of our home study) needs to be completed immediately. I will let you know the status next week.”

Of course, two weeks went by with no update from Nicole and no word from Mia. (We were expecting Mia to call to set up a time to discuss our contingency plan for taking care of our adopted child should anything happen to us).

O left Nicole a message yesterday afternoon wondering why no one had been in touch and within 20 minutes, Mia called back! Will wonders never cease?!?!

O said she was as nice and professional as could be, wanting to sit down to interview my BIL and SIL at their convenience. Looks like she’s going to skip right over talking to us about it. Fine by me, by the way. I’d prefer to never see her again if I can help it.

But I do think the woman has a lot of nerve, to call and still not make any reference to the past 6 months of b.s. and/or her choice not to respond to the e-mail we sent outlining our concerns back in April.

Anyway, we're now trying to coordinate my BIL and SIL’s schedules so we can cross yet another thing that should have been completed 6+ months ago off our list.

Aren’t we done YET? I wanna be DONE!

Do You Hear What I Hear?

This morning our home is filled with one of the most beautiful sounds in the world – the sound of the silence that descends after a week’s worth of houseguests have gone home.

About eight years ago, I took a series of self-improvement courses through Landmark Education. I loved and hated every moment. To say that they were confronting would be a huge understatement, but the long hours and hard work were definitely worth it. Other than meeting my husband, nothing else has changed my life so dramatically and for the better.

During that time, I met four other single women also involved with Landmark and we struck up an unlikely friendship. Termed “The Goddesses” by someone along the way, we are all as different as night and day and quite likely would never have known or liked each other if we'd met under different circumstances.

A lot has happened since we first met as single women almost nine years ago. There have been marriages for two, new motherhood for one, grandmother-hood for one, job changes, breakups and broken hearts, and cross-country moves. And nine years worth of laughter and tears.

We are certainly not as close as we once were. Time and distance and differences have served to send us drifting apart over time. Some of us talk once a year, maybe. Others are on the phone once a week or more. But we always keep up with what the others are doing and this past weekend, the Goddesses gathered once again, this time here at my home.

I was nervous about the weekend, mostly to see and reconnect with the best friend I’d had to take a break from several months before. Her inability to support me when good things happened for me had taken its’ toll over the years and I had to simply walk away to get some perspective. Things between us were fine. Above all I wanted her to be comfortable in my home and enjoy her weekend. We did find the time to talk, and she apologized for everything. It was nice to hear and I forgive her, but I intend to keep some boundaries in place with her – healthy boundaries.

Anyway, it was funny to see the changes in us. Where conversation was once about dating and men and sex, we were now talking about pre-school and aging parents and ailments. Where we were once able to stay up until all hours of the morning talking and laughing, we were now yawning and drifting towards bed well before midnight. Where we were once close enough to say anything to each other, we were now more careful in choosing our words to each other.

There were a couple of moments of friction here and there, but for the most part it was what our get togethers have always been – a time to talk and pour out our hearts and laugh and cry and be driven crazy by each other and remember how lucky we are to be friends.

One of the girls, lives near New Orleans so she stayed on for a few extra days waiting for Gustav to pass. We were happy to take care of her until she was able to return home yesterday. She had power, phone, and no damage so we were all grateful for that.

And what am I grateful for this morning? I'm grateful that my friends came to visit and I am grateful that I am now alone. That all is quiet. That I can run around the house naked beating on pots and pans if I want to and no one will be here to see or know or care! Tra la!

As for the latest on the “adoption thing”, you may recall that we discovered while in NC that our home study made no mention whatsoever of either our first or second home study visit with Mia, nor of the contingency plan for our child should something happen to us, including an interview with those people. I e-mailed Nicole about getting that set up and she was going to talk to the worker reviewing our case at the state office and get back to me with exactly what she needed.

She did not, so I waited a week and then e-mailed her again.

This time, we were informed that what was missing was:

a reference form from our minister

a reference form from O’s employer

our contingency plan, interviewed and typed

the first and second family consultations (our home study visits)

New week . . . new additions to the list . . . Why am I surprised?

We were able to take care of the reference form from O’s boss yesterday (though he’d completed and mailed one in months ago. Who knows what happened to it?). I had Nicole fax a blank one to O’s boss’ administrative assistant. She’s one of those great women who, once the paperwork gets into her hands, she won’t put it down until she’s tracked down O’s boss, made him fill it out (probably while standing over him), faxed it back to Nicole, and mailed the original to us. All that was completed within the span of two hours yesterday, God love her.

Obviously the contingency plan portion is on hold until someone from D*C*F*S contacts us to find out about it, and calls to set up a time to meet with O’s sister and BIL.

I must admit that I nearly flipped when I saw the “reference form from minister” portion of the list. O and I don’t attend church, except on the rare occasion that we go to services where his parents are members. We both have a relationship with God but I’ve never been a big fan of organized religion.

However, I went to church with my grandmother as a child and always felt strange and different because my parents didn’t attend. So O and I have always said that once a child was placed in our home, we would go and find a church as a family – one where we all felt comfortable. Not only would we be able to take the child’s denomination into account, but he or she could feel as if they had a voice in SOME portion of their new life. But for now, no church = no reference form from a minister.

I was angry on several levels – first that the state would REQUIRE something like that. I love this state. I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else. But that seemed pretty backwards to me.

I was also angry that if this WAS a requirement, why didn’t someone mention it to us six months ago? Nine months ago? We told Mia we didn’t attend church and she said that wouldn’t be a stumbling block to approval. Our paperwork clearly reflects that we don’t attend church. Why were they bringing it up NOW?

Of course, over the long weekend I couldn’t communicate with Nicole about this, so it gave me some time to think. How would I feel about quickly throwing myself into a church setting - in order to get to know a minister – in order to get a reference form filled out? Dirty – that’s how I would feel. It just seemed unbelievably dishonest.

My girlfriends tried to tell me that it was no different than joining a church once we had a child in our home. I would be doing it for our child’s benefit then. I’d be doing it for our child’s benefit now, just a little bit early. I could see their point, but I simply couldn’t reconcile it in my head.

So on Tuesday I sent Nicole an e-mail letting her know that we did not have a letter from a minister to provide. (I have several ministers in my family who would happily write a letter, but I knew that wasn’t what they were looking for.) I explained our plan, let her know that we’d discussed it with Mia, and asked if that would be a problem.

Happily, I got a note back from her letting me know that it was not a requirement after all and that she’d simply let our state worker know that we didn’t have one. I have no idea whether that will work against us at some point in the future, but I feel good about being honest with her.

But my favorite, FAVORITE part of all of this???

Nicole’s e-mail last week, listing the things still missing from our home study, ended as follows:

“I have sent Mia an email with a copy to the Director telling her this needs to be completed immediately. I will let you know the status next week.”

Yep, she’s sent it all back to Mia for her to complete. That will have to include sitting down and talking to us about our contingency plan. This is the woman who couldn’t be bothered to respond to the letter we sent her outlining our concerns. This is the woman who has ignored requests from the state to send in our missing paperwork, for SIX MONTHS. This is the woman who stopped inviting us to the foster/adoptive parenting group that she runs.

How fun is THIS going to be? Truly, I’m hopeful that she blows it off and we can just meet with Nicole and get this all done. It will definitely be either a very interesting or a very quiet few days to come.

We shall see.

Today is my mommy’s birthday – 70 years old. I’m making all of her favorites for dinner, none of which go together but all of which will make her happy. So I’d better go get started with some of the prep work.

My girlfriends, only one of whom knows a thing about football, watched the game with me on Saturday night. I explained that the guys in white were the good guys and the guys in orange were the bad guys, and that was all they needed to know. At one point when a Clemson player broke a long run and was sprinting down the field all of my friends, at the very same moment, said “Ohhhhhhhhh!” like, “This is baaaaaad.” I felt loved.

Home Sweet Home

We got home last night having driven 1200 miles in three days. No more box truck for me. Ever. By the way, it's 26-feet long, my quasi-trucker husband informed me.)

I was closing the laptop after having written my last post the other morning and stopped to quickly check my e-mails. So much for my "on with my life" attitude.

My D*C*F*S e-mail buddy C wrote me with a list of the tangible things missing from our home study. They were: our marriage certificate, relative forms for each of us, C*A*N Clearances for both of us, Criminal History Clearances for ME, and references forms or letters from each of the six required references for adoption.

They had most of that from our foster/adopt classes so I was confident that a lot of it had been sent.

Imagine my confusion, though, when I learned that the state was missing my state Bureau of Investigation and F*B*I clearances, not O's, as Nicole had told me the previous Friday.

Imagine my further confusion when I read the following:

"The home study did not mention the family’s contingency plan and that person or family also needs to be personally interviewed and assessed as to their complicity to care for a child this couple might adopt. "

You know why our home study didn't mention it? Because Mia never ever asked us about it. Not once.

And this was the icing on the cake:

"I also did not see evidence of the first and second family consultations during the GPS process. If these are documented separately in the narrative of the record, please submit these."

Know what that means? That there is no mention in our home study of Mia ever being in our home for either our first home visit or our second home visit. Nice thorough home study there Mia.

I was just so disheartened. I thought that finally FINALLY we might be "there", where once the missing paperwork was mailed on Monday, the SW would have everything she needed to review and hopefully approve our home study. But that clearly isn't the case. We've never even discussed our contingency plan with anyone, and those people definitely haven't been personally interviewed.

I e-mailed Nicole immediately, asking about the fingerprint mix-up, and why this was the first we'd heard that they needed written documentation of our contingency plan and to interview anyone. Oh, and also why our home study didn't reflect two of the three visits we had with Mia.

She wrote back immediately, apologized for the confusion, said she'd contact C to find out exactly what remained to be done, and she'd get back to me. Instead, I gave her the name and e-mail address of the worker who actually has our file at the state office. I don't think I'm supposed to have that information, but I've got it. She said she'd check with her and get back to me. I'll give her the rest of this week and then I'll be back to her on Monday morning to set up an appointment to complete our homestudy and for her (or whomever) to sit down with my in-laws to interview them.

I was talking to a foster mom friend the other day and we were marveling how people who aren't proactive and organized like we are ever get anything at all accomplished with D*C*F*S.
Anyway, the rest of our trip was fun. We stopped and had a nice dinner on the way home last night and fell happily into our lovely king size bed, thankful for our 500-thread-count-sheets and to be home sweet home.

Next Verse . . . Not the same as the 1st . . . or 2nd . . . or 3rd

Greetings from beautiful Statesville NC.

O and I left early yesterday morning driving a brand new, nearly palatial 20-foot box truck headed for the Carolinas for a few days. His company has closed a bunch of stores in the area (even as they open more), so O volunteered to drive up and pick up a bunch of the remaining phone and computer equipment. He's meeting one of his technicians this morning to get started loading. They'll do the same thing tomorrow in SC.

Me? I'm still under the covers watching Sportscenter and eating the fruit O brought me for breakfast.

The drive yesterday was too long, too loud, and too bouncy. Car crazies set in about two hours from Statesville. But being with O was wonderful. He now fancies himself a trucker so from time to time he'd start singing one of those 1970's highway/trucker songs. (Unfortunately there are more of those than you think.) He also enjoys using his somewhat limited CB lingo on me.

In the very highest elevations in the mountains just outside of Asheville, the leaves were starting to change - just a little bit here and there. Oh did that make me HAPPY?!?!

What didn't make me happy? Nicole called, as promised. She said our C*A*N form and paperwork were ready to go and would be dropped in the mail yesterday afternoon. O said she used the phrase, "I promise" three times.

Good, right?

But remember how she told us on Friday that our fingerprints were back? Well, apparently mine are - both state bureau of investigation and F*B*I . They don't have either of O's.

Shit!

I have a copy of his F*B*I results, so I'll fax them to her when we get home later this week. She is hopeful that they will suffice without redoing his state bureau of investigation check. I'm betting that won't fly, but we'll see.

I heard from my e-mail buddy C, and she said she thought more was missing from our home study than just the things Nicole mentioned, so she was going to check with the actual worker who is waiting for the remaining paperwork to find out what she needs. Please oh please don't let her come up with anything else!

I guess this is the perfect opportunity for me to practice my "on with my life" philosophy. I'm in a beautiful part of the country with my wonderful husband. I'm going to set aside this mess and enjoy myself - as much as a girl can in a too-loud-too-bouncy-nearly-palatial-20-foot box truck.

Same Day . . . Different Story

Well, I think we may possibly have stumbled upon the actual truth, or some semblance thereof, anyway. Of course, I've thought that before . . .

After talking about it this afternoon, my husband decided to call Nicole to see if he could cut through all this bs and just get some answers from her. I know you'll be stunned (not) when I tell you that he got yet another, completely different, story.

O began the conversation by saying that he understood from the direc*tor that the holdup was our finger*print check from the state bureau of investigation .

No no no, that's not it. The fingerprints are back. The problem is that the county (Mia/Nicole) never sent our C*A*N form - a form used to run a child abuse/neglect check with some group or another.

Nicole apologized profusely several times, admitting that it was all their fault - that they messed up. She said that as of today, "all the paperwork needed to complete our home study" is still here at the county offices (our C*A*N form as well as the paperwork from our foster/adopt class) and "will go out Monday," when the woman who generates the C*A*N forms is back in the office. She's on vacation.

I guess she was on vacation last week and the week before too. Hrumph!

Nicole took O's cell phone number and said she would call him on Monday when the paperwork had been sent, just to let him know.

Mmmm hmmmm . . . . I've been at this place before, where I think that finally - FINALLY we're on our way. Call me cynical, but I'll believe it when I see it.

YHGTFBKM - The Sequel

(No this photo has nothing to do with this post, but my camera has a "fireworks" setting. Who knew???)

O called and talked to the director this morning. She says our paperwork is complete but that the holdup is (and has been) the state bureau of investigations portion of our fingerprints. Apparently there is a backlog. Our FBI check came back fine months ago.

I have no idea if she actually investigated this for herself or if she's taking Nicole's word for it, but it doesn't explain my D*C*F*S e-mail buddy C's conversation with Nicole two weeks ago that our home study was incomplete - the one where Nicole was going to "sit down with Mia and her supervisor" and "get the paperwork sent to the state office immediately".

I continue to be baffled by this situation. Why someone can't simply pick up the phone, contact the state worker, and find out what she needs is beyond me. Instead, five months worth of stories are flying fast and furious and none of them fit together to make any kind of sense.

(By the way, part of the holdup may actually be the state bureau of investigation , but I would absolutely bet my life that the rest of our paperwork was never sent down to the state offices. No doubt in my mind.)

I've sent a note to my e-mail buddy C, to see if she can investigate a little further (given that she's the only one I trust). I don't want to get her in trouble, though, and have no interest in putting her in the middle of some sort of "she said" "she said" situation. Unless she can shed anymore light, though, I think at this point I'm stuck. One person says the paperwork is complete. One person says it isn't. Someone's either lying or mistaken, and we suffer as a result.

In any other situation, my inclination would be to arrange a meeting at D*C*F*S and start demanding answers but if we ever ARE approved to adopt, these very people have a lot of input on whether we get a child or not. In fact, unless something changes, MIA is that person. Baaa Haaaaa! So we are walking an incredibly fine, incredibly shitty line.

Oh, and don't forget my favorite part - something I was told several months ago by a D*C*F*S worker . . . WE are not their clients. They do not work for US. The CHILDREN are their clients. They work solely for the CHILDREN.

Must go now. Choking to death on the laughter.

Clarification

A couple of you mentioned in comments and e-mails that we should consider taking a child who is not yet be available for adoption, but who is headed for TPR (termination of parental rights), which in our state is called a "legal risk placement". We have told our workers all along that we were willing to accept that type of placement, provided that it was a situation we were comfortable with. Perhaps I should reiterate that at some point but today I'm still in "I couldn't care less about this topic" mode and frankly, it's a pretty nice place to be.

Just wanted to clarify. Off to live my life!

Uncle

Thanks to those of you who left comments or e-mailed to check on things in my little corner of the world. I must admit that I’ve been “in my head” quite a bit recently, thinking thinking thinking.

There’s nothing to report, really. We got an unsolicited e-mail from our SW’s supervisor Nicole about a month ago. She’d checked with the state office to find out why approval was taking so long. Seems the worker assigned to review our case has been quite busy – doing chart audits, handling a full caseload (including a disrupted out-of-state adoption) and let’s not forget planning and attending her wedding in mid-June in Florida. Mmmm hmmmm. That’s my favorite part. Planning and attending her wedding in Florida, and I’m sure there was a lovely honeymoon to follow.

Now, I’m not a heartless person. I love a good, romantic wedding as much as the next person. But our file has been sitting in the state office for five months. Five months. She hasn’t, in twenty plus weeks, found time to review our case? Seriously? I don’t know about y’all, but if I’d had any kind of chart or file or issue sitting on my desk for five months at any one of my previous jobs, I would have found myself in the unemployment line.

Today O called Nicole just to see if she’d heard anything in the past month. She gave him the “once it’s out of our hands and at the state level, there is nothing we can do” and “the state is going to do what the state is going to do” and all that b.s.. She frames it as if there isn’t an actual PERSON working on this – it’s “the state”. In actual fact, there is a worker at the state office (newly-married, apparently) whose responsibility it is to review our case. Nicole hasn’t called and spoken directly with this woman. Or her supervisor. She’s been getting her information from a third party.

Anyway, as par for the course, today’s call was a big fat waste of time. She did ask again if we were interested in fostering. (Apparently our county has 11 foster homes and 50-something foster kids.) When O told me about that, for a moment I wondered if they were withholding approval to adopt so we would agree to foster, but I quickly dismissed that. I don’t believe they’re that diabolical.

Anyway, I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but very honestly, I think I’ve finally run out of energy and emotion to devote to this situation. The bigger part of me could not care less if they ever call. I’ve felt like that for about a month. I know it sounds strange, given how hopeful and excited I’ve been at the prospect of adopting through the foster system, but that’s truly how I feel.

I haven't looked at a state D*C*F*S website or Heart Gallery in weeks.

I’ve wondered if a part of it is self-protection – hardening my heart in case we are never approved.

I’ve wondered if part of it is that I’m simply tired of my life being screwed with by people who don’t seem to give a shit.

I’ve wondered if part of it is the experience of having a houseguest back in early July (the world’s BEST houseguest, by the way), realizing again how happy O and I are here in our little house together just the two of us, and wondering if I even want to mess with that by bringing someone else into the mix.

I really don’t know. What I DO know is that we took down the crib in our “child’s room” this afternoon. I got tired of walking past it every day.

Tomorrow I will be removing the fire escape plans and the emergency numbers we posted in our home becauseD*C*F*S required them. They’ll be tucked away in our filing cabinet.

Before the end of the week, I will be removing the child proof latches from our bathroom and kitchen cabinets. It makes me mad every time I open one of them, especially since I never remember they’re on there.

I will also be removing our meds from the lockbox they’ve been in for six+ months.

It’s time for me to get on with my life. I’m tired of living in limbo, in this strange world we’ve created, where crayons and coloring books go un-used, where games sit un-played, where kids clothes remain folded in drawers, where books go unread, where teddy bears go un-hugged.

I’m so very tired of living with this nameless faceless ghost child. It’s time to take my life back and get on with the business of living it.

And who knows, maybe one of these days I’ll care again. Perhaps someday we might even hear from D*C*F*S that we’re approved to adopt and my heart will soar and the safetly latches will be reinstalled.

But for now, I’m calling “uncle”. I'm over this and I'm picking up my toys and going home.

Life Goes On

Still nothing from the state office. A couple of e-mails sent back and forth that I could blah blah blah about but the bottom line is that we’ve had absolutely no news. (Insert frustrated noise or curse word of your choice here.) Good thing I’ve been busy, to keep my mind off all that is not happening.

I mentioned in my last post about the tragedy at the air show in late June. But what I didn’t mention was just how much we loved seeing the Blue Angels the day prior. We’d been to a family reunion earlier in the day so when we arrived at the air show, we weren’t sure where they were in the day’s schedule. There was some acrobatic flying going on, which was fun to watch, but we figured the Blue Angels show was over. I called my parents to try and get them to look up the schedule either online or in the paper, but that was just one nightmare after another, so eventually we decided it was probably soon over and got ready to go. Then the Blue Angels’ support plane took off and O said, “Something’s about to happen.” Soon after, the jets came out of nowhere and roared just over our right shoulders. My response? “Holy Sh*t!”. They flew for almost 40 minutes and we loved every moment. As much as I enjoyed the flying, I think I actually had more fun watching O and listening to his ooing and aahing. It was one of those perfect afternoons – hot and sweaty and steamy, but perfect.






As I mentioned, we’d been at my mom’s family reunion earlier in the day. HER mom, my grandmother, died when I was in 6th grade but I adored her and still miss her, so it’s nice to get together with her brothers and sisters and their families once a year. One of the most wonderful things about it was getting to see a photo of my grandmother as a young girl – one I’d never seen. I immediately whipped out my camera and took several shots of the photo, and they came out good enough to enlarge once I got home. It's a treasure. (She's the one standing on the far left.)


We had our dear friend K visit from New Or*leans over the holiday weekend. The morning of the 4th, we went to an old–fashioned walking parade in a nearby small town. Think elderly gentlemen holding the color guard and leading the parade, followed by 30-40 children with decorated bikes and painted faces. It was such a short parade that my friends K and I jumped in the car and drove ahead of it to watch it again. Twice. At the end of the parade, there was lemonade and watermelon for all the marchers. It was the perfect patriotic way to start the day.



The evening of the 4th, we had a cookout with several friends. As usually happens, the “boys” ended up chatting either at the grill or in the den, and the women were in the kitchen talking and laughing up a storm. I just love evenings like that, where the conversation just clicks and time flies by. My husband even made his very first batch of homemade vanilla ice cream for the festivities. Not to be outdone, I tried my hand at homemade lemonade. We used my MIL's recipes, so both turned out delish!

Oh, and I only caught the stove on fire once the entire weekend. Apple pie residue in the bottom of the stove + 350 degrees = smoke and 6” flames. Neat! It’s kind of a tradition, though. When K and another one of our friends were visiting about three years ago, the stove’s heating element caught on fire. The actual heating element. So really, it wouldn’t be a visit to our home without at least the possibility of using the fire extinguisher.

In the last few weeks, I’ve done something that I’ve always wanted to do – can things. Stop laughing! I don’t know what it is about Southern girls, but most of us either can things or want to can things. I’ve been staunchly in the “want to can things” group, or rather the “want to can things but have seen/read too many things about botu*lism and is too scared to do it” group for a long time. But for some reason I got brave and decided to go for it. I am now the proud owner of a steam bath canner, a canning funnel, canning tongs, and more canning jars than you can shake a stick at. Oh, and a few blisters.

My first attempt was apple butter and I have to say, mmmmmmmm mmmmmmmm good. I’ve done several batches since then, and also made green tomato relish. (O & I grow tomatoes. We have to – another requirement of being Southern. Yet we don’t actually EAT tomatoes. Thus, the need for green tomato relish.) I have big plans for strawberry jam, spiced pear preserves with pears from our tree, and some fresh tomato sauce. Not today though. Today I’m working on my FIL’s family history.

Our gardens are going gangbusters with tomatoes, squash, peppers, corn, and green beans. We’re so grateful for the rain we got in May and June. That really helped. It won’t be long till it’s pumpkin planting time!


O had to meet one of his technicians a ways away yesterday morning so I drove down with him on Monday. The town we stayed was tiny with nothing to do and I spent about 14 hours riding in a cargo van, but we had such a good time. On our way home, we were listening to ES*PN radio and they were talking about traditional male and female roles, about men being “men”, and how rare that is anymore. The conversation came up because an NFL football player, Tony Gonzalez, saved a man’s life last month. He was in a restaurant and a man started choking on steak. Apparently no one did anything until Gonzalez stepped up and successfully performed the Heimlich.

It started me thinking about how much things have changed. On the way down to meet his technician, we passed a young girl sprawled out on the side of the road, trying to change her car tire. Hundreds of people must have passed her while she was there – trucks driven by men too busy or too apathetic to stop and help a young lady. Our fathers would never have done that. Heck, my nearly-80-year-old FIL would still stop! And of course, without missing a beat, my wonderful husband whipped the van around and went back to help. I so love that about him. It just wouldn’t occur to him NOT to stop and help her. That’s just who he is. He believes that women are meant to be taken care of, not in a demeaning or suffocating way, but in a loving gentlemanly way. I’m a lucky lucky girl.

Sad

My husband and I went to an air show yesterday to see the Blue Angels and loved it so much we decided to go back today. We talked about going inside the gates but instead decided to park across the highway at the end of the runway to watch the planes fly in and out right over our heads.

About 2pm a storm blew in. I was worried for the estimated 100,000 people out in the open across the road. I couldn't imagine where they would go to escape the lightning and driving rain. The storm went through quickly but violently, with winds clocked at almost 50mph. A microburst, probably.

Some of the VIP tents along the tarmac were blown over. Twelve people were injured. A five-year-old boy was killed when an air conditioner/generator fell on top of him. This morning he was just a little kid excited to go see the planes. Tonight his family has to try to figure out how to say goodbye to him.

Praying for that family tonight.

No News

Remember the old saying “No news is good news”?

Around here, it’s pretty much been “No news is freaking aggravating”.

We did find out about Smiley. He has been matched with a family. There haven’t been any visits yet, but they think this match will work so they put a hold on his case and removed his photo from the website. As I said in my last post, I knew that deep down but I just had to find out on the off chance that something else was going on. It still makes me sad that we weren’t even able to be considered for him.

Still nothing on our home study. I e-mailed Nicole, our SW’s supervisor, on Monday and asked the million dollar question – the question I can’t seem to get anyone to answer. How long does it take to review a home study? I know it will vary depending on the worker assigned to the case (Lord don’t I know THAT!!!), but are we talking a two-week process, or should we not expect to hear something until the end of the summer. Just tell us. Tell us SOMETHING!

Anyway, I posed the question once again and she wrote back and said she’d e-mailed the state office to get an update on the status of our home study and she’d let us know when she hears back.

Okay, whatever. At least she wrote back.

Insult to Injury

In early March, around the time our last home study visit was completed, “Smiley” was added to the state D*C*F*S website as a child available for adoption. He was nine years old, loved basketball, and had the greatest grin I’d seen in a long time.

My first reaction when I saw Smiley was, “That’s him.” I really thought it was likely that he was our son.

Let me say here that I’m a very grounded, common sense person. I rarely have “feelings” about things or go looking for signs in the stars. In fact, that kind of certainty has only happened to me once before. The first time I spoke to my husband (we met online) I hung up the phone, looked up into the night sky, and said, “I’m going to marry that boy.” I just knew it. That was the same kind of reaction I had to Smiley.

In the year that we’ve been pursuing this, I’d estimate that I’ve looked at over a thousand profiles of children available for adoption between state websites, national websites, Heart Galleries, and private agencies. I’ve seen some darling children – even some children I’ve been interested in learning more about. But I’ve never once had that jolt of electricity I felt when I saw Smiley for the first time.

Yes, I know it’s ridiculous to become attached based on a picture and a paragraph. There is literally a lifetime of information about Smiley that we never had access to, so there was really no way of knowing whether we would have been a good fit for him or not. Nevertheless, I believed he was very probably going to be “ours”.

Every couple of days since I first saw him, I’ve returned to the state website to make sure he was still there – still available. As we’ve gone through all this mess with Mia, in the back of my mind my little prayer has been, “Please let him still be there when we are finally approved.” All I wanted was the opportunity to at least be considered for him. If we weren’t a good match, fine. At least we would have had a chance to find out.

Yesterday morning I went to the state website and there he was, smiling up a storm. I’ve never checked twice in one day but for some reason I checked again last night.

He’s gone.

I e-mailed Mia’s supervisor and asked her to check and see if he has, in fact, been placed. I know in my heart that he has but I guess I need to actually hear it from her. She's already been back in touch this morning and said she'll find out for us.

Having this happen brings up every angry feeling I ever had towards Mia. If she’d done her damned job three months ago – the job MY TAX DOLLARS are PAYING her to do - our home study would have been reviewed and approved long ago, and we would have at least been considered for this boy.

Now, as it stands, he is gone and our f*&%ing home study still hasn’t been approved.

(Well, at least I’m finally crying now. I’ve felt it building all morning.)

And in the midst of this upset, my subconscious tried its’ very best to help soothe my sadness. I dreamed all night long that I was pregnant, only to miscarry just before I woke up this morning.

Talk about adding insult to injury.

In the Meantime

One of my first thoughts this morning was, "Is this IT? Will this be the week that our home study is finally approved?"

Who knows?

I can tell you that I'm SERIOUSLY itching to get in touch with Nicole (our SW's supervisor) just to see if she's heard anything. Our main concern, of course, is that if the SW reviewing our paperwork in the state office has any questions, they will be directed to Mia and will go unanswered for weeks upon end. So we'll see. I suspect we'll give it until Thursday or Friday and get in touch with her. We don't want to drive the poor woman crazy!

In the meantime, I've been channeling some of my mothering instincts towards a project. Often when children are first taken into D*C*F*S custody, they arrive at the offices with nothing - no clothes, no toys, no favorite stuffed animals. So I thought that it might be nice to make some quilted "blankies" to give to the youngest kids in hopes that they might offer a little bit of comfort. The kids could keep these quilts and take them wherever they go - back home or to a foster family.

Anyway, I've made several. Others are "in process", but I thought I'd share some photos. As I told the girls from my infertility support group , if you look closely at the stitches, they appear to have been sewed by a drunken quilter, but I have fun putting them together and hope they'll bring some scared kids a little bit of comfort.

So instead of whistling while I work, I guess I'm quilting while I wait.

Hot & Sunny With a Chance of Approval

If you read this blog, you know that early this month was a real low point for me in the foster/adopt journey. During that period, I think O understood for the very first time just how frustrating this process has been for me. He’s always been great – really supportive and on board with things, but I’m the one who has done most of the “work”. I’ve filled out the forms, set up the appointments, done the research, tried to pull information out of Mia, and gone in search of other resources when she let us down. By default, that meant I was the one who had done most of the fretting, stewing, and banging (her) head against the wall.

My husband is one of the most easygoing people you’ll ever meet. He’s no one’s doormat, but he generally tries to look for the best in people, understand where they’re coming from, and find a way to work with them. I’ve never met anyone who has an unkind word to say about him.

But as things progressed and we e-mailed Mia re: our concerns, only to be ignored, and when we found out that the bulk of our homestudy paperwork had not been sent, O got angry. I rarely see him angry and I have to say, it actually made me happy. It was validation that I wasn’t crazy – that things actually WERE seriously screwed up with this situation. Anyway, in the midst of the madness, he told me that he was sorry – that he was just realizing all I’d been doing and all I’d been dealing with. And he wanted to take over some of that. I cannot tell you what a relief that was for me.

Since then, he’s the one who has been communicating with Mia’s supervisor and getting answers to our questions. He wants to set up a meeting with Mia’s supervisor (let’s call her Nicole) for several reasons. First of all, she’s never met us. If she’s going to be involved in this process, we would like her to know us, even a little bit. Secondly, we really want to get to the bottom of what the issue is with Mia. If we weren’t forced to continue to work with her, we’d happily say “good riddance” and let it go. As it is, she’s still our worker and she’s still yet to respond to the letter we sent outlining our concerns. We want to find out just what the problem is in hopes that we can either work with her or work around her. Finally, we want to find out where we go from here. Will communication from the state still be set up to go through Mia or will Nicole be involved? Blah blah blah . . .

I said all that to say this . . .

O called Nicole yesterday morning to get that meeting set up, and also to get a bit of clarification on the e-mail she sent on Monday (the e-mail that said our home study was currently being approved and would then go to the caseworker representing the child we’re interested in.) Anyway, they had a great conversation. She was really kind and helpful, knew our case well, and was happy to answer his questions.

So here’s the bottom line of what she said:

Our home study has been assigned for approval and is actually in someone’s hands.

The woman who gave the worker our home study told her that we’d been waiting a long time through several “snafu’s” and to put a rush on it.

When O mentioned wanting to take a few minutes to meet with her, she said that she expected our approval to come anytime in the next few days (provided there are no problems) and that we could sit down then, get our questions answered, and map out a direction to go from here at that time.

Let me repeat:

He said it sounded like she was expecting our approval to come anytime now.
 Needless to say, I am currently crossing every body part that I am physically able to cross.

Lucky that I’m double jointed, huh?