In early March, around the time our last home study visit was completed, “Smiley” was added to the state D*C*F*S website as a child available for adoption. He was nine years old, loved basketball, and had the greatest grin I’d seen in a long time.
My first reaction when I saw Smiley was, “That’s him.” I really thought it was likely that he was our son.
Let me say here that I’m a very grounded, common sense person. I rarely have “feelings” about things or go looking for signs in the stars. In fact, that kind of certainty has only happened to me once before. The first time I spoke to my husband (we met online) I hung up the phone, looked up into the night sky, and said, “I’m going to marry that boy.” I just knew it. That was the same kind of reaction I had to Smiley.
In the year that we’ve been pursuing this, I’d estimate that I’ve looked at over a thousand profiles of children available for adoption between state websites, national websites, Heart Galleries, and private agencies. I’ve seen some darling children – even some children I’ve been interested in learning more about. But I’ve never once had that jolt of electricity I felt when I saw Smiley for the first time.
Yes, I know it’s ridiculous to become attached based on a picture and a paragraph. There is literally a lifetime of information about Smiley that we never had access to, so there was really no way of knowing whether we would have been a good fit for him or not. Nevertheless, I believed he was very probably going to be “ours”.
Every couple of days since I first saw him, I’ve returned to the state website to make sure he was still there – still available. As we’ve gone through all this mess with Mia, in the back of my mind my little prayer has been, “Please let him still be there when we are finally approved.” All I wanted was the opportunity to at least be considered for him. If we weren’t a good match, fine. At least we would have had a chance to find out.
Yesterday morning I went to the state website and there he was, smiling up a storm. I’ve never checked twice in one day but for some reason I checked again last night.
He’s gone.
I e-mailed Mia’s supervisor and asked her to check and see if he has, in fact, been placed. I know in my heart that he has but I guess I need to actually hear it from her. She's already been back in touch this morning and said she'll find out for us.
Having this happen brings up every angry feeling I ever had towards Mia. If she’d done her damned job three months ago – the job MY TAX DOLLARS are PAYING her to do - our home study would have been reviewed and approved long ago, and we would have at least been considered for this boy.
Now, as it stands, he is gone and our f*&%ing home study still hasn’t been approved.
(Well, at least I’m finally crying now. I’ve felt it building all morning.)
And in the midst of this upset, my subconscious tried its’ very best to help soothe my sadness. I dreamed all night long that I was pregnant, only to miscarry just before I woke up this morning.
Talk about adding insult to injury.
