Nap Anyone?

The first little pumpkin of the year from our pumpkin patch!

Nothing new on the adoption front. At least no progress.

Nicole, the SW supervisor, sent us an e-mail over a month ago listing the last few things that needed to be completed on our home study. She said she’d forwarded that list to Mia-the-worthless-social-worker and told her it needed to be completed immediately.

So late last week when I got an update from the state office letting us know that it was still incomplete, I wrote Nikki the following:

According to an e-mail update I received this morning, our home study in the state office is still incomplete. The worker waiting for the information said she’s received part of the information she requested but not everything, and that you were aware of what was still missing.

To my knowledge based on your e-mail of three+ weeks ago, the following is still needed: 1. our contingency plan and 2. information on our first and second family consultations, which occurred in January and February respectively

Your e-mail also mentioned that you told Mia this needed to be completed “immediately”. Can you please tell me when these three things will be sent to Mont*gomery? Thanks so much!

 In response I got back this snotty little e-mail:

Kelly,

Everything will be sent to the state office as soon as possible. Unfortunately, your case is not the only thing we have to work on. We are receiving reports of child abuse and neglect everyday and those have to be completed immediately. To my knowledge, Mia completed the home visit with your contingency plan and is in the process of typing the needed information. As soon as this is completed, it will be sent in.

I was so livid when I got this that I was literally crying, and that has never been my reaction to anger. DO NOT talk down to me and DO NOT act as if I’m being impatient or unreasonable. My response was as follows:

Nicole,

It wasn’t my intention to irritate or disturb you and from the tone of your last e-mail, it seems that I have.

O and I are very much aware that your first priorities must be the children of this county who may be in danger and the foster parents who have agreed to care for them. Because we have chosen not to foster, we know that we are on the bottom of the priority list. That is how it should be and we have no problem with that.

That being said, our final home study visit was the first week of March and our paperwork is still incomplete. Experience has shown us that if we sit back and assume that things are being taken care of, months can pass (and have passed) with no progress whatsoever. That’s why we try to keep on top of the status of the remaining paperwork every couple of weeks.

I referred to the word “immediately” in my previous e-mail because that was what you wrote in your e-mail of August 29th: “I have sent Mia an email with a copy to the Director telling her this needs to be completed immediately.”

We clearly misunderstood because after reading that, we actually did think that completing our home study would then become a priority for Mia and that it would be taken care of quickly – at least within a week or two. Now over three weeks later, I didn’t think it was unreasonable to send an e-mail wondering what the status was and why the worker at the state office is still waiting for several things.

Heaven knows we are certainly not perfect people, but I think we have been pretty patient through this process. However, if you found this morning’s e-mail unreasonable or irritating, I certainly apologize.
What I actually wanted to write would have been a bit more - colorful, shall we say - but would have most likely removed us from consideration as potential adoptive parents.

Anyway, I sent that final e-mail last Friday and never heard anything back – didn’t expect to.

But we’ve got bigger fish to fry at the moment.

We’ve discovered through a routine C*A*T scan that O’s mom has an aortic aneurysm caused by a leaky valve in her heart. She’s had the leaky valve for years, but it’s much worse now so she’ll need open hea*rt surgery.

Her regular cardiologist was out of town so she went to one of his partners to get her test results. (It’s never good when you have a test like that and they call you two hours later to come back to discuss the results.) That was a less than successful appointment. She and her husband were already scared and on edge, I’m sure. Add to that some snippy nurses, and a doctor with a hard-to-understand-accent who was running extremely late and had no bedside manner and it was a recipe for disaster. She left scheduled for surgery this week.

But when I started looking at the operative releases they had her sign, they didn’t match up with what she and her husband thought she was having done. I called O’s sister, E, who is a nurse in the cardiology field, and we basically put a halt to the surgery they had quickly scheduled until we could gather more information. (The surgery was not considered an emergency, by the way, or we would not have cancelled it.)

She had one additional test yesterday which confirmed the aneur*ysm and need for val*ve replacement but ruled out an arter*ial blockage they’d seen on another test, so happily no bypass will be necessary.

I spent literally hours on the phone talking to friends and family to find out which cardiac practices they recommended. We are fortunate to have two of the best in the country within two hours’ drive. She had appointments scheduled with the top physicians at both both, but in the end those were cancelled and she’s going to see a vascu*lar surgeon close to home. My gut tells me to throw a fit and insist that she goes to one of these two top heart centers. If it was my mother, that’s what would be happening . . . period. But I don’t have a say. Anyway, her appointment is next Wednesday. We'll know more then, I'd imagine.

I’ve gingerly done some research on the internet just like a little kid peeking through her fingers at the scary part of a movie. (Okay, I still do that.) I want to gather enough information to know what to expect, mostly so I can let my husband know, but I don’t want to get far enough into it to read all the horror stories I’m sure Dr. Google would have in store for me. Dr. Google never seems to have good news about anything.

And as evidence that I am a complete ass, one of the things I’m worried about in this whole situation is our trip to Oregon. We’re supposed to leave in two weeks but that's doubtful at this point, which makes me want to cry. You have never met two people who are looking forward to (and in need of ) a trip more than O and I.

That being said our first priority is, without question, O’s mom, her health, and supporting her and her husband through this. We’d never for one moment consider leaving if she’s in the hospital or was to have surgery while we were gone. Never. We're just sad at the prospect of cancelling the trip we've been planning for six months.

Frankly, I am mostly concerned with taking good care of O right now. He is so worried about his mom. We’ve both been lucky to be in our 40’s and have all of our parents in good health, so this is a pretty new experience for us.

Well, we’re having friends over for the football game this Saturday and on Sunday will have about 20 people over to celebrate O’s mom’s birthday so I need to go construct a grocery list and get started cleaning this house.

But boy oh boy am I tired. Nap anyone?

Seven Years

On this day seven years ago, two of my very favorite people in the world, Carl and Sue Hammond, lost their only son Carl Max Hammond Jr., as his plane flew into the second tower of the World Trade Center.

Max had a doctorate in physics from UCLA and worked for Los Alamos National Labs and then MITRE Corporation doing top secret research. Our country lost such a brilliant mind when we lost him that day.

But much more importantly, his mom and dad lost one of the two loves of their lives. Sue’s face always lit up when she’d talk about Max and his sister. You could feel her excitement build as each holiday season approached because no matter where Max was living or working, he always, always came home for Christmas.

I went to his memorial service soon after 9/11. Travel was still difficult at that point and people were understandably nervous to get on planes. But the little church in south Alabama was full to overflowing on that beautiful fall afternoon. Friends and family had come en masse from every part of the country to be there to celebrate what a good man he was and mourn what a good man we lost.

I started this day thinking about him – about how much he liked my stuffed pizza. Such a silly thing to remember, but even now it makes me smile. I’ll end the day saying a prayer for him, and for all the people lost on this day seven years ago, and most especially for the families they left behind.

I Wanna Be Done!

I’m pretty sure that around 2:30pm yesterday, hell must have frozen over.

Know why?

Because MIA called my husband!

Well, let’s put it this way. Two weeks ago we received the following from Nicole, Mia's supervisor:

“I have sent Mia an email with a copy to the Director telling her this (the remaining portions of our home study) needs to be completed immediately. I will let you know the status next week.”

Of course, two weeks went by with no update from Nicole and no word from Mia. (We were expecting Mia to call to set up a time to discuss our contingency plan for taking care of our adopted child should anything happen to us).

O left Nicole a message yesterday afternoon wondering why no one had been in touch and within 20 minutes, Mia called back! Will wonders never cease?!?!

O said she was as nice and professional as could be, wanting to sit down to interview my BIL and SIL at their convenience. Looks like she’s going to skip right over talking to us about it. Fine by me, by the way. I’d prefer to never see her again if I can help it.

But I do think the woman has a lot of nerve, to call and still not make any reference to the past 6 months of b.s. and/or her choice not to respond to the e-mail we sent outlining our concerns back in April.

Anyway, we're now trying to coordinate my BIL and SIL’s schedules so we can cross yet another thing that should have been completed 6+ months ago off our list.

Aren’t we done YET? I wanna be DONE!

Do You Hear What I Hear?

This morning our home is filled with one of the most beautiful sounds in the world – the sound of the silence that descends after a week’s worth of houseguests have gone home.

About eight years ago, I took a series of self-improvement courses through Landmark Education. I loved and hated every moment. To say that they were confronting would be a huge understatement, but the long hours and hard work were definitely worth it. Other than meeting my husband, nothing else has changed my life so dramatically and for the better.

During that time, I met four other single women also involved with Landmark and we struck up an unlikely friendship. Termed “The Goddesses” by someone along the way, we are all as different as night and day and quite likely would never have known or liked each other if we'd met under different circumstances.

A lot has happened since we first met as single women almost nine years ago. There have been marriages for two, new motherhood for one, grandmother-hood for one, job changes, breakups and broken hearts, and cross-country moves. And nine years worth of laughter and tears.

We are certainly not as close as we once were. Time and distance and differences have served to send us drifting apart over time. Some of us talk once a year, maybe. Others are on the phone once a week or more. But we always keep up with what the others are doing and this past weekend, the Goddesses gathered once again, this time here at my home.

I was nervous about the weekend, mostly to see and reconnect with the best friend I’d had to take a break from several months before. Her inability to support me when good things happened for me had taken its’ toll over the years and I had to simply walk away to get some perspective. Things between us were fine. Above all I wanted her to be comfortable in my home and enjoy her weekend. We did find the time to talk, and she apologized for everything. It was nice to hear and I forgive her, but I intend to keep some boundaries in place with her – healthy boundaries.

Anyway, it was funny to see the changes in us. Where conversation was once about dating and men and sex, we were now talking about pre-school and aging parents and ailments. Where we were once able to stay up until all hours of the morning talking and laughing, we were now yawning and drifting towards bed well before midnight. Where we were once close enough to say anything to each other, we were now more careful in choosing our words to each other.

There were a couple of moments of friction here and there, but for the most part it was what our get togethers have always been – a time to talk and pour out our hearts and laugh and cry and be driven crazy by each other and remember how lucky we are to be friends.

One of the girls, lives near New Orleans so she stayed on for a few extra days waiting for Gustav to pass. We were happy to take care of her until she was able to return home yesterday. She had power, phone, and no damage so we were all grateful for that.

And what am I grateful for this morning? I'm grateful that my friends came to visit and I am grateful that I am now alone. That all is quiet. That I can run around the house naked beating on pots and pans if I want to and no one will be here to see or know or care! Tra la!

As for the latest on the “adoption thing”, you may recall that we discovered while in NC that our home study made no mention whatsoever of either our first or second home study visit with Mia, nor of the contingency plan for our child should something happen to us, including an interview with those people. I e-mailed Nicole about getting that set up and she was going to talk to the worker reviewing our case at the state office and get back to me with exactly what she needed.

She did not, so I waited a week and then e-mailed her again.

This time, we were informed that what was missing was:

a reference form from our minister

a reference form from O’s employer

our contingency plan, interviewed and typed

the first and second family consultations (our home study visits)

New week . . . new additions to the list . . . Why am I surprised?

We were able to take care of the reference form from O’s boss yesterday (though he’d completed and mailed one in months ago. Who knows what happened to it?). I had Nicole fax a blank one to O’s boss’ administrative assistant. She’s one of those great women who, once the paperwork gets into her hands, she won’t put it down until she’s tracked down O’s boss, made him fill it out (probably while standing over him), faxed it back to Nicole, and mailed the original to us. All that was completed within the span of two hours yesterday, God love her.

Obviously the contingency plan portion is on hold until someone from D*C*F*S contacts us to find out about it, and calls to set up a time to meet with O’s sister and BIL.

I must admit that I nearly flipped when I saw the “reference form from minister” portion of the list. O and I don’t attend church, except on the rare occasion that we go to services where his parents are members. We both have a relationship with God but I’ve never been a big fan of organized religion.

However, I went to church with my grandmother as a child and always felt strange and different because my parents didn’t attend. So O and I have always said that once a child was placed in our home, we would go and find a church as a family – one where we all felt comfortable. Not only would we be able to take the child’s denomination into account, but he or she could feel as if they had a voice in SOME portion of their new life. But for now, no church = no reference form from a minister.

I was angry on several levels – first that the state would REQUIRE something like that. I love this state. I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else. But that seemed pretty backwards to me.

I was also angry that if this WAS a requirement, why didn’t someone mention it to us six months ago? Nine months ago? We told Mia we didn’t attend church and she said that wouldn’t be a stumbling block to approval. Our paperwork clearly reflects that we don’t attend church. Why were they bringing it up NOW?

Of course, over the long weekend I couldn’t communicate with Nicole about this, so it gave me some time to think. How would I feel about quickly throwing myself into a church setting - in order to get to know a minister – in order to get a reference form filled out? Dirty – that’s how I would feel. It just seemed unbelievably dishonest.

My girlfriends tried to tell me that it was no different than joining a church once we had a child in our home. I would be doing it for our child’s benefit then. I’d be doing it for our child’s benefit now, just a little bit early. I could see their point, but I simply couldn’t reconcile it in my head.

So on Tuesday I sent Nicole an e-mail letting her know that we did not have a letter from a minister to provide. (I have several ministers in my family who would happily write a letter, but I knew that wasn’t what they were looking for.) I explained our plan, let her know that we’d discussed it with Mia, and asked if that would be a problem.

Happily, I got a note back from her letting me know that it was not a requirement after all and that she’d simply let our state worker know that we didn’t have one. I have no idea whether that will work against us at some point in the future, but I feel good about being honest with her.

But my favorite, FAVORITE part of all of this???

Nicole’s e-mail last week, listing the things still missing from our home study, ended as follows:

“I have sent Mia an email with a copy to the Director telling her this needs to be completed immediately. I will let you know the status next week.”

Yep, she’s sent it all back to Mia for her to complete. That will have to include sitting down and talking to us about our contingency plan. This is the woman who couldn’t be bothered to respond to the letter we sent her outlining our concerns. This is the woman who has ignored requests from the state to send in our missing paperwork, for SIX MONTHS. This is the woman who stopped inviting us to the foster/adoptive parenting group that she runs.

How fun is THIS going to be? Truly, I’m hopeful that she blows it off and we can just meet with Nicole and get this all done. It will definitely be either a very interesting or a very quiet few days to come.

We shall see.

Today is my mommy’s birthday – 70 years old. I’m making all of her favorites for dinner, none of which go together but all of which will make her happy. So I’d better go get started with some of the prep work.

My girlfriends, only one of whom knows a thing about football, watched the game with me on Saturday night. I explained that the guys in white were the good guys and the guys in orange were the bad guys, and that was all they needed to know. At one point when a Clemson player broke a long run and was sprinting down the field all of my friends, at the very same moment, said “Ohhhhhhhhh!” like, “This is baaaaaad.” I felt loved.