This morning I woke up slowly, snuggling under the covers for just a few more minutes of solitude. Then I remembered the e-mail we received from Mia’s supervisor. A “punch in the stomach” moment is such a lovely way to start the day, don’t you think?
I am at a loss as to what to do next. Perhaps it’s simply time to come to terms with the fact that I may never be a mom. I am fighting the urge to go into our “child’s room” (what a joke!) and box up all the books, games, toys, and decorations, disassemble the crib and return it to my SIL, and make the room back into a guest room. It hurts me every time I walk by it.
I am so angry.
I am angry that the woman who stands directly between us and parenthood couldn’t care less whether we become parents.
I am angry that Mia has treated us, our case, and our concerns with complete disregard.
I am angry that Mia still hasn’t responded to the e-mail we sent her. Who behaves like that? Truly?
I am angry that the county offers no alternative for switching workers, even in a situation as ludicrous as this.
I am angry that the supervisor didn’t call my husband as he requested, and still didn’t answer the question re: whether our paperwork was sent on April 21st.
I am angry that we are in a situation where another person gets to decide whether we’re “good enough” to be parents in the first place. It’s humiliating.
I am angry that as I’ve wasted almost a year of my life on adopting through the foster system as I’ve moved from my 30’s to my 40’s, dramatically increasing that chances that IF treatments won’t work and that I’d have a baby with a birth defect.
I am angry that we’re too old to adopt internationally, and that we likely wouldn’t be considered for a domestic adoption situation because of our ages.
I am angry that my nephew’s graduation is this weekend and that I’ll be surrounded by a stadium full of proud parents, knowing that I’ll probably never experience anything like that.
I am angry that at the pre-graduation cookout at my SIL’s house, there will be a family member there with a newborn. BTW, this is the family member who was all chat-chat-chatty with me re: her IF issues until she got pregnant. I never heard another word from her after that.
I am angry that I planned a Saturday evening BBQ at our home for friends in town for graduation. There will be a 4-year-old, 2 – 2-year-olds, and a lot of questions about how “that whole foster/adoption thing” is going.
I am angry that I’ve been on the verge of tears all morning yet I can’t seem to cry.
I could go on and on, but that really gets me nowhere. Perhaps I’ll channel all this anger into cleaning my house. It’s one of my favorite things to do when I’m upset.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Scr*ewed
We heard back from the supervisor via e-mail this evening.
We're stuck with Mia. She is the only resour*ce worker in our county. Therefore, according to the supervisor, there is no one to be switched to.
Can you say "totally and completely scr*ewed"?
I don't want to do this anymore. I hate this.
We're stuck with Mia. She is the only resour*ce worker in our county. Therefore, according to the supervisor, there is no one to be switched to.
Can you say "totally and completely scr*ewed"?
I don't want to do this anymore. I hate this.
Friday, May 23, 2008
The Thrill of Victory . . . The Agony of Defeat
The excitement never ends . . .
As I mentioned in my last post, on Wednesday we contacted our social worker’s supervisor with our concerns, given that our worker never bothered to respond to our letter. (You know, it occurs to me that this woman needs a name . . . let’s call her Mia, given that she’s been M.I.A. for most of our relationship.) Anyway, about two hours after sending the e-mail to Mia’s supervisor, she got back with us. She apologized profusely for the lack of effort on the part of one of her workers. She assured me that she’d delve into our home study and make sure all of the appropriate paperwork had been sent to the state for review. She also said that from now on we should consider her our contact and that we should come to her with any questions we may have.
Needless to say, we were thrilled, both with the quick response and the fact that we now had someone “in our corner”.
Yesterday I sent her a brief e-mail with the only two questions we had . . . Was all of our paperwork now at the state office? And would there be something sent to the state office informing them that Mia is no longer our contact person?
Again she responded right away.
As to the first question, she said that she’d sat down and reviewed our file with Mia and that “all of (our) paperwork would be sent (yesterday) and then the state would have everything”.
On April 21st, I found out quite by accident that none of our foster/adopt class paperwork was sent with our home study. We’re talking a 3"+ stack of forms, questionnaires, and homework. I got in touch with Mia immediately and uncharacteristically, she e-mailed back right away, admitted that she did not send it , but said that she’d get it in the mail the same day – April 21st. In fact, I have two e-mails from her to that effect.
If we’re reading her supervisor’s letter correctly, she never sent it. Our home study sat incomplete for a second month while she didn’t do a thing about it.
I can’t tell you how outraged I am. Who does this woman think she is? I don’t care how busy or overworked you are. Do your damned job or go find another one! I truly have no idea how she retains her job.
As to our second question about whether the state would be informed that Mia was no longer handling our case, the supervisor said that her name would be on the paperwork that went out yesterday and that communication from the state office should go to both her and Mia.
Ummmm, no. We want nothing to do with Mia in any way, shape, or form. We do not trust her as far as we can throw her across the yard. She has continuously let us down, ignored us, and deceived us. No thank you.
My easy going, difficult-to-anger husband is quite frankly pissed. He sent an e-mail to the supervisor last night requesting clarification on whether Mia sent the April 21st paperwork or not. There’s been a little bit of dancing around the issue. We want a yes or no. Additionally, he reiterated that we do not wish to work with Mia is any capacity – that we want another worker. He then requested that the supervisor contact him at his work # at her earliest convenience to discuss these issues.
So as you see, in the past couple of days I’ve experienced the highest high, feeling like we finally, FINALLY had some help. Then to discover the next day that our home study has been sitting incomplete in the state office for two full months . . . I can’t even describe it. It hit me really hard. I guess I just didn’t see that coming.
Yesterday I was livid. I went for a drive to calm down and was feeling better until I drove past a father and son playing catch in their front yard. I was livid all over again.
Today I’m feeling tentative in that fluttery-stomach way, waiting for O to hear from the supervisor. If they tell us we have to work with Mia, I think there’s a good chance that we will walk away.
So we wait . . . we’re getting pretty good at that.
P.S. Looks like we'll be waiting a bit longer. O just called the supervisor. She's out of the office, on vacation until Wednesday.
As I mentioned in my last post, on Wednesday we contacted our social worker’s supervisor with our concerns, given that our worker never bothered to respond to our letter. (You know, it occurs to me that this woman needs a name . . . let’s call her Mia, given that she’s been M.I.A. for most of our relationship.) Anyway, about two hours after sending the e-mail to Mia’s supervisor, she got back with us. She apologized profusely for the lack of effort on the part of one of her workers. She assured me that she’d delve into our home study and make sure all of the appropriate paperwork had been sent to the state for review. She also said that from now on we should consider her our contact and that we should come to her with any questions we may have.
Needless to say, we were thrilled, both with the quick response and the fact that we now had someone “in our corner”.
Yesterday I sent her a brief e-mail with the only two questions we had . . . Was all of our paperwork now at the state office? And would there be something sent to the state office informing them that Mia is no longer our contact person?
Again she responded right away.
As to the first question, she said that she’d sat down and reviewed our file with Mia and that “all of (our) paperwork would be sent (yesterday) and then the state would have everything”.
On April 21st, I found out quite by accident that none of our foster/adopt class paperwork was sent with our home study. We’re talking a 3"+ stack of forms, questionnaires, and homework. I got in touch with Mia immediately and uncharacteristically, she e-mailed back right away, admitted that she did not send it , but said that she’d get it in the mail the same day – April 21st. In fact, I have two e-mails from her to that effect.
If we’re reading her supervisor’s letter correctly, she never sent it. Our home study sat incomplete for a second month while she didn’t do a thing about it.
I can’t tell you how outraged I am. Who does this woman think she is? I don’t care how busy or overworked you are. Do your damned job or go find another one! I truly have no idea how she retains her job.
As to our second question about whether the state would be informed that Mia was no longer handling our case, the supervisor said that her name would be on the paperwork that went out yesterday and that communication from the state office should go to both her and Mia.
Ummmm, no. We want nothing to do with Mia in any way, shape, or form. We do not trust her as far as we can throw her across the yard. She has continuously let us down, ignored us, and deceived us. No thank you.
My easy going, difficult-to-anger husband is quite frankly pissed. He sent an e-mail to the supervisor last night requesting clarification on whether Mia sent the April 21st paperwork or not. There’s been a little bit of dancing around the issue. We want a yes or no. Additionally, he reiterated that we do not wish to work with Mia is any capacity – that we want another worker. He then requested that the supervisor contact him at his work # at her earliest convenience to discuss these issues.
So as you see, in the past couple of days I’ve experienced the highest high, feeling like we finally, FINALLY had some help. Then to discover the next day that our home study has been sitting incomplete in the state office for two full months . . . I can’t even describe it. It hit me really hard. I guess I just didn’t see that coming.
Yesterday I was livid. I went for a drive to calm down and was feeling better until I drove past a father and son playing catch in their front yard. I was livid all over again.
Today I’m feeling tentative in that fluttery-stomach way, waiting for O to hear from the supervisor. If they tell us we have to work with Mia, I think there’s a good chance that we will walk away.
So we wait . . . we’re getting pretty good at that.
P.S. Looks like we'll be waiting a bit longer. O just called the supervisor. She's out of the office, on vacation until Wednesday.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
BIG BIG DING
Our social worker never got back with us re: the e-mail we sent her 8 days ago. Not a word.
Is it me, or is that just shocking?
I mean, I have no idea WHY I'm so surprised. That's been her m.o. from the beginning - that's the PROBLEM, for heaven's sake! But I swear, if I received a letter like that from someone whom I was supposed to be taking care of (especially if it was my JOB!!!), I'd have been on the phone immediately to apologize and get the situation resolved. At the very least I would have found five minutes in my busy schedule (even if it was "after hours") to ACKNOWLEDGE receiving the e-mail.
In sending the e-mail to our worker, we were really hopeful that things would change and that we could work with her to get our home study approved and have a child placed in our home. She is such a nice nice woman. But that "ding" bell I mentioned in my last post? The "done" bell? It's now ringing like Big Ben. We are through trying to work with her. We have zero confidence that she will handle issues re: our case in a timely manner, if at all.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
DING
Today, 22 days after our SW told us she would "check into" where we could take first aid classes and "get back with" us, still no answer. Luckily, I am not one to let grass grow under my feet. Late last week I contacted J, the social worker who taught our foster/adopt classes along with another SW in a nearby county asking if they knew where we could take the proper first aid classes. Both got back to me within 24 hours. Both had answers for me. We completed our first aid requirement last night.
However, the "DING" bell (signifying that I am officially DONE) has gone off re: our SW. Last week when I e-mailed J about first aid classes, I also spelled out the frustrations we had with our SW. J. said that she was sorry we were being "mistreated" and suggested talking with our worker's supervisor. I can't tell you how appealing that sounded - to fire off an e-mail spelling out every single time our SW has dropped the ball, time after time after time. But O especially felt as if we owed it to our worker to first communicate our concerns with her and give her an opportunity to address the situation herself.
This afternoon I sent her an e-mail covering many of our concerns. I struck a good balance, I think, between getting our point (and frustrations) across yet not being angry, hateful, or accusatory. Included in the letter was the fact that we completed our first aid classes last night - spelled out very clearly.
FIVE MINUTES after I hit the "send" button, she forwarded an e-mail to me re: a first aid class that would be held at a local D*C*F*S in the coming weeks.
Either it's the world's biggest coincidence and she hadn't seen our e-mail before she forwarded that one (twenty-two days later and FIVE MINUTES after I hit "send") or she only half-read our e-mail and has no idea that we have completed first aid. I know which one I'd lay money on.
Ironically, one of our specific concerns was that our SW often seemed to briefly skim through our e-mails and when/if she did get back with us, her response rarely had anything to do with why we wrote her in the first place, leaving us back at square one in an attempt to get whatever information we needed. We chose not to cover that in the e-mail, because we didn't want to create a "dump on the SW" type of letter filled with page after page of every transgression. We simply wanted to get our point of view across.
Anyway, when I opened that forwarded e-mail from her, my mouth literally dropped open and all I could think is, "You have got to FREAKIN' be kidding me!". I just had to laugh.
If we don't get a response from her in a week, we will have to contact her supervisor. I think the laughter will probably stop right around that point.
However, the "DING" bell (signifying that I am officially DONE) has gone off re: our SW. Last week when I e-mailed J about first aid classes, I also spelled out the frustrations we had with our SW. J. said that she was sorry we were being "mistreated" and suggested talking with our worker's supervisor. I can't tell you how appealing that sounded - to fire off an e-mail spelling out every single time our SW has dropped the ball, time after time after time. But O especially felt as if we owed it to our worker to first communicate our concerns with her and give her an opportunity to address the situation herself.
This afternoon I sent her an e-mail covering many of our concerns. I struck a good balance, I think, between getting our point (and frustrations) across yet not being angry, hateful, or accusatory. Included in the letter was the fact that we completed our first aid classes last night - spelled out very clearly.
FIVE MINUTES after I hit the "send" button, she forwarded an e-mail to me re: a first aid class that would be held at a local D*C*F*S in the coming weeks.
Either it's the world's biggest coincidence and she hadn't seen our e-mail before she forwarded that one (twenty-two days later and FIVE MINUTES after I hit "send") or she only half-read our e-mail and has no idea that we have completed first aid. I know which one I'd lay money on.
Ironically, one of our specific concerns was that our SW often seemed to briefly skim through our e-mails and when/if she did get back with us, her response rarely had anything to do with why we wrote her in the first place, leaving us back at square one in an attempt to get whatever information we needed. We chose not to cover that in the e-mail, because we didn't want to create a "dump on the SW" type of letter filled with page after page of every transgression. We simply wanted to get our point of view across.
Anyway, when I opened that forwarded e-mail from her, my mouth literally dropped open and all I could think is, "You have got to FREAKIN' be kidding me!". I just had to laugh.
If we don't get a response from her in a week, we will have to contact her supervisor. I think the laughter will probably stop right around that point.
Monday, May 5, 2008
The Numbers *Updated
Fourteen - the number of days it's been since my SW said she'd check into first aid classes and get back to us
Four - the number of days it's been since I sent her a reminder e-mail
Zero - the number of times we've heard from our SW in the past two weeks
I will wait until Wednesday morning and will then have to call her supervisor. I have no desire to get her in trouble, but we need this information. The class we've signed up for is this coming Saturday. The organization expects payment by Wednesday (which I can do over the phone via credit/debit card). We have no intention of wasting a Saturday afternoon and $70 to take a class that may not be suitable to meet our first aid requirement. Thus we need to know if this class is acceptable. It's a very simple yes or no question.
I am feeling so disheartened about this whole situation this morning. Oh, and angry and fed up and pissed off. I want to lay my head on the desk and cry in frustration.
Yep, that about covers it.
* I sent our SW another e-mail around noon today letting her know the situation - that our class was coming up on Saturday, that we needed to pay the school by Wednesday, and that I needed an answer from her by Wednesday morning. She e-mailed back late this afternoon informing me that that particular class would NOT meet our requirement. So, I am glad to finally have a damned answer. I am also pissed to be back at square one. Our SW will contact one of her foster parents who teaches first aid classes to see if she'd be willing to do a private class for us. So it's back on her shoulders. Great.
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