I got a call from the adoption worker yesterday.
One week from today our home study will be the one presented to the committee handling Smiley's adoptive placement.
One week from tody, we'll know if we have been chosen to be his parents.
One week from today.
Anyone have the magic formula for making time fly?
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Playing With Fire
It’s been a promising few days around these parts.
The adoption worker (let’s call him Andrew) was supposed to take a look at our home study on Tuesday when he got back into the office.
Tuesday afternoon I got an e-mail from our worker, J, who said that she’d received a voicemail from Andrew. He’d reviewed our home study and had a couple of questions, so he’d requested our entire file from the state office, but wanted to let J know that he was still pursuing us for Smiley.
I saw that as a very good sign – that he hadn’t seen anything thus far that was a big red flag for him.
I was also immediately concerned that they wouldn’t be able to find our file. That had happened once before. Someone had “checked it out”, hadn’t returned it, and it took awhile to track it down.
The file WAS located and put in Andrew's mailbox at the state office on Thursday. He was going to request that it be mailed to him but if that didn’t happen, he would pick it up when he was in the office on Tuesday, the 26th.)
Yesterday morning, I was driving my mother-in-law to see O’s uncle who is in the hospital a couple of hours from our home, and my phone rang. It was Andrew. I pulled over the first place I could find, and sat and talked to him for probably 20 minutes. He had a couple of questions that I was able to answer for him.
The first was if we’d had updated physicals. Ours in our file are expired. I told him we’d done that in November and that J had our paperwork. (It was sent to him yesterday afternoon.)
The other one was about my episoded with Reg***lan a couple of years or so ago. He asked if I minded telling him more about that. I told him I’d be happy to. I explained that I’d been put on Reg*lan for some problems I was having with reflux – that it was a medication designed to speed digestion. I told him that within a few days I was in the ER with paralyzing anxiety and was fortunate enough that the ER physician recognized the problem and immediately took me off the drug. I explained that even after I stopped the medication, I was still dealing with a lot of anxiety and immediately decided to go to a psychiatrist instead of letting my family doctor (who put me on Reg*lan in the first place and didn’t recognize the problem) treat me. I told him about the psychiatrist saying that Reg#lan was an evil drug that should be removed from the market – that he’d had a lot of patients have complete mental breakdowns on the drug and that I would have undoubtedly been one of those people. I explained that once the psychiatrist put me on something to treat the anxiety, it was a few-month process to wean me off, and that I hadn’t had any problems with anxiety or depression before or since that time. He seemed appreciative of my honesty and said he’d needed to ask because, of course, adding a child to our home would bring a lot of stress and anxiety. I laughed and said that I didn’t have a problem with stress and anxiety – that I had a problem with Reg@lan. He promised that none of the kids he’d send us would bring me Reg&lan. We both laughed at that.
We talked about Smiley, his history and background, his current situation. We talked about the fact that there was no guarantee as to what behaviors/problems may emerge in the years to come, or on mental capacity, or if he’d be “college material”. I told him that that was the case with any child – biological or adopted – and that while we’d have dreams for whatever child we adopted, we also knew that our role was to give them the love, support, and opportunities to succeed in their life, whatever that looked like for them. He asked if we were able to travel for visits, and I told him we were – that O and I were always up for a road trip.
So basically this is where things stand. He is in the process of reviewing home studies to find a family he thinks would be a good candidate for Smiley. Once that happens (and let’s say it’s us), he will set up a meeting at the state office with J (who will go on our behalf), himself, Smiley’s caseworker, and two other adoption workers from around the state. They will review Smiley's case and our home study and if they feel it is a good match, they will offer to let us adopt Smiley. If we accept, we will begin visits and start transitioning him to our home.
I feel really good about our conversation. I liked Andrew and he seemed to like me too. I very much wish I hadn’t been parked on the side of the road, with my MIL listening to every single word, but all in all I think it went well.
So, we go back to waiting some more. We’re starting to play with fire, though, talking about what we’d want to do if we got to bring Smiley home – paint and redecorate his room and ask our next door neighbor to build a swingset.
DANGEROUS area – chock full of potential heartache – but here we are once again. I wouldn't have it any other way.
The adoption worker (let’s call him Andrew) was supposed to take a look at our home study on Tuesday when he got back into the office.
Tuesday afternoon I got an e-mail from our worker, J, who said that she’d received a voicemail from Andrew. He’d reviewed our home study and had a couple of questions, so he’d requested our entire file from the state office, but wanted to let J know that he was still pursuing us for Smiley.
I saw that as a very good sign – that he hadn’t seen anything thus far that was a big red flag for him.
I was also immediately concerned that they wouldn’t be able to find our file. That had happened once before. Someone had “checked it out”, hadn’t returned it, and it took awhile to track it down.
The file WAS located and put in Andrew's mailbox at the state office on Thursday. He was going to request that it be mailed to him but if that didn’t happen, he would pick it up when he was in the office on Tuesday, the 26th.)
Yesterday morning, I was driving my mother-in-law to see O’s uncle who is in the hospital a couple of hours from our home, and my phone rang. It was Andrew. I pulled over the first place I could find, and sat and talked to him for probably 20 minutes. He had a couple of questions that I was able to answer for him.
The first was if we’d had updated physicals. Ours in our file are expired. I told him we’d done that in November and that J had our paperwork. (It was sent to him yesterday afternoon.)
The other one was about my episoded with Reg***lan a couple of years or so ago. He asked if I minded telling him more about that. I told him I’d be happy to. I explained that I’d been put on Reg*lan for some problems I was having with reflux – that it was a medication designed to speed digestion. I told him that within a few days I was in the ER with paralyzing anxiety and was fortunate enough that the ER physician recognized the problem and immediately took me off the drug. I explained that even after I stopped the medication, I was still dealing with a lot of anxiety and immediately decided to go to a psychiatrist instead of letting my family doctor (who put me on Reg*lan in the first place and didn’t recognize the problem) treat me. I told him about the psychiatrist saying that Reg#lan was an evil drug that should be removed from the market – that he’d had a lot of patients have complete mental breakdowns on the drug and that I would have undoubtedly been one of those people. I explained that once the psychiatrist put me on something to treat the anxiety, it was a few-month process to wean me off, and that I hadn’t had any problems with anxiety or depression before or since that time. He seemed appreciative of my honesty and said he’d needed to ask because, of course, adding a child to our home would bring a lot of stress and anxiety. I laughed and said that I didn’t have a problem with stress and anxiety – that I had a problem with Reg@lan. He promised that none of the kids he’d send us would bring me Reg&lan. We both laughed at that.
We talked about Smiley, his history and background, his current situation. We talked about the fact that there was no guarantee as to what behaviors/problems may emerge in the years to come, or on mental capacity, or if he’d be “college material”. I told him that that was the case with any child – biological or adopted – and that while we’d have dreams for whatever child we adopted, we also knew that our role was to give them the love, support, and opportunities to succeed in their life, whatever that looked like for them. He asked if we were able to travel for visits, and I told him we were – that O and I were always up for a road trip.
So basically this is where things stand. He is in the process of reviewing home studies to find a family he thinks would be a good candidate for Smiley. Once that happens (and let’s say it’s us), he will set up a meeting at the state office with J (who will go on our behalf), himself, Smiley’s caseworker, and two other adoption workers from around the state. They will review Smiley's case and our home study and if they feel it is a good match, they will offer to let us adopt Smiley. If we accept, we will begin visits and start transitioning him to our home.
I feel really good about our conversation. I liked Andrew and he seemed to like me too. I very much wish I hadn’t been parked on the side of the road, with my MIL listening to every single word, but all in all I think it went well.
So, we go back to waiting some more. We’re starting to play with fire, though, talking about what we’d want to do if we got to bring Smiley home – paint and redecorate his room and ask our next door neighbor to build a swingset.
DANGEROUS area – chock full of potential heartache – but here we are once again. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Monday, January 18, 2010
My Very Best Shot
Since the adoption worker is supposed to look at our home study tomorrow, I decided to sit down today and spell out just how committed O and I are to educating ourselves to effectively raise a child of another race. I crafted the following e-mail which I sent to our caseworker J.. I requested that if it is appropriate, she please forward it along to the adoption worker.
I feel like I gave it my best shot and if we're rejected, it won't be because we didn't do everything we could. So, here goes . . .
Hi J,
Over the weekend as O and I talked about hopefully being chosen as adoptive parents for Smiley, it occurred to us that since (evil social worker MIA) did our home visits and began our home study, you might not be aware of all we were prepared to do in raising a child of another race, so we wanted to share some of that with you. Hopefully it will give you and the caseworker(s) considering us for Smiley (or any child of a race other than our own) some additional information in helping make their decision.
I went online and quickly looked up the racial make-up of our zip code. 16.1 percent of the population is (Smiley’s race). Because we live in a fairly rural area, we will have to seek out playmates for any child we add to our family. Regardless of our child’s race, it is our intention to seek out programs, playgroups, classes, and hobbies that would expose him or her to a racially diverse group of playmates. That would be a big priority and as a stay-at-home mom, I would have the time to do that.
As I mentioned to you, our child will go to school in (nearby town). It is one of the best school systems in the area. The schools Smiley would attend are:
Blah School (19% Smiley’s race)
Blah Blah School – (17.3% Smiley’s race)
Blah Blah Blah School - (16.9% Smiley’s race)
We don’t currently attend church but once a child is placed in our home, O and I both think it’s important that we attend church together and expose our child to religion as he or she grows up. One major factor in finding a church will be our child’s race. If we are chosen to be Smiley’s parents, we will specifically seek out a church with a good percentage of (Smiley’s race) members in the congregation, and preferably in the (nearby town’s) school district so he can attend church with his schoolmates.
Regardless of the race of the child we adopt, we plan raise him or her in a very racially diverse home. I have compiled a list of children’s books reflecting characters who are Hispanic, African-American, Asian, mixed-race, and who may have various physical challenges. Our purchases will, of course, lean towards the race of the child who is placed with us but there will be a broad mixture in our library, including books about adoption.
Additionally, I have the name of a website that sells craft supplies (paints, crayons, felts) that reflect the skin tones/hair colors of all races, so our child can really SEE himself and his friends in his artwork and crafts.
Our child’s room will, of course, be decorated to reflect his tastes and interests, but we plan to honor his cultural heritage not only in his room but throughout our home with books, art, and photos. We would also attend festivals, learn songs and poems, make foods, and go on trips to learn about and honor his cultural history.
(Personal information deleted)
I could go on, but I hope this gives you an idea of how much we’ve thought about this and how prepared we are to do whatever we can to offer our child every opportunity to be loved, well cared for, and successful in his or her life.
Please let me know if you have any questions!
I feel like I gave it my best shot and if we're rejected, it won't be because we didn't do everything we could. So, here goes . . .
Hi J,
Over the weekend as O and I talked about hopefully being chosen as adoptive parents for Smiley, it occurred to us that since (evil social worker MIA) did our home visits and began our home study, you might not be aware of all we were prepared to do in raising a child of another race, so we wanted to share some of that with you. Hopefully it will give you and the caseworker(s) considering us for Smiley (or any child of a race other than our own) some additional information in helping make their decision.
I went online and quickly looked up the racial make-up of our zip code. 16.1 percent of the population is (Smiley’s race). Because we live in a fairly rural area, we will have to seek out playmates for any child we add to our family. Regardless of our child’s race, it is our intention to seek out programs, playgroups, classes, and hobbies that would expose him or her to a racially diverse group of playmates. That would be a big priority and as a stay-at-home mom, I would have the time to do that.
As I mentioned to you, our child will go to school in (nearby town). It is one of the best school systems in the area. The schools Smiley would attend are:
Blah School (19% Smiley’s race)
Blah Blah School – (17.3% Smiley’s race)
Blah Blah Blah School - (16.9% Smiley’s race)
We don’t currently attend church but once a child is placed in our home, O and I both think it’s important that we attend church together and expose our child to religion as he or she grows up. One major factor in finding a church will be our child’s race. If we are chosen to be Smiley’s parents, we will specifically seek out a church with a good percentage of (Smiley’s race) members in the congregation, and preferably in the (nearby town’s) school district so he can attend church with his schoolmates.
Regardless of the race of the child we adopt, we plan raise him or her in a very racially diverse home. I have compiled a list of children’s books reflecting characters who are Hispanic, African-American, Asian, mixed-race, and who may have various physical challenges. Our purchases will, of course, lean towards the race of the child who is placed with us but there will be a broad mixture in our library, including books about adoption.
Additionally, I have the name of a website that sells craft supplies (paints, crayons, felts) that reflect the skin tones/hair colors of all races, so our child can really SEE himself and his friends in his artwork and crafts.
Our child’s room will, of course, be decorated to reflect his tastes and interests, but we plan to honor his cultural heritage not only in his room but throughout our home with books, art, and photos. We would also attend festivals, learn songs and poems, make foods, and go on trips to learn about and honor his cultural history.
(Personal information deleted)
I could go on, but I hope this gives you an idea of how much we’ve thought about this and how prepared we are to do whatever we can to offer our child every opportunity to be loved, well cared for, and successful in his or her life.
Please let me know if you have any questions!
Friday, January 15, 2010
By The Numbers
1. Our worker did talk with the state adoption worker today.
2. She forwarded him our home study which he will take a look at on Tuesday when he is back in the office.
3. His first question was what is the racial make-up of our area. We are obviously caucasian. This child is not. Our little town is very white, BUT . . .
4. We decided long ago that if we ever had a child, he or she would go to the schools in the next town over - larger, better school system and very diverse. That was a bonus, apparently.
5. We were asked if we had any family members and friends of this race. O's cousin and his wife who live in another state have adopted three boys of this race from the foster care system. In fact, his wife has been SUPER supportive of us on this journey and would be a great support and resource. That is apparently another plus. I also have several girlfriends whose children are mixed race so . . .
6. I'd hate to be rejected summarily because we're caucasian, but that may very well happen.
7. All I know is that this is a wild and crazy ride and I've got my hands up on the roller coaster.
8. With my fingers crossed.
2. She forwarded him our home study which he will take a look at on Tuesday when he is back in the office.
3. His first question was what is the racial make-up of our area. We are obviously caucasian. This child is not. Our little town is very white, BUT . . .
4. We decided long ago that if we ever had a child, he or she would go to the schools in the next town over - larger, better school system and very diverse. That was a bonus, apparently.
5. We were asked if we had any family members and friends of this race. O's cousin and his wife who live in another state have adopted three boys of this race from the foster care system. In fact, his wife has been SUPER supportive of us on this journey and would be a great support and resource. That is apparently another plus. I also have several girlfriends whose children are mixed race so . . .
6. I'd hate to be rejected summarily because we're caucasian, but that may very well happen.
7. All I know is that this is a wild and crazy ride and I've got my hands up on the roller coaster.
8. With my fingers crossed.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
"Ask and Ye Shall Receive"
Those were the words our worker used when she called us this afternoon . . . about two separate children available for adoption . . . one of whom we are unbelievably excited about.
There is nothing about this child that raises a red flag for us thus far, and she was able to give us quite a bit of information about him/her. I didn't even have any follow-up questions and if you know me, that is nearly an impossibly.
We called her back and told her we were in love.
She will contact the worker in the morning and I guess we'll go from there.
We shall see . . .
There is nothing about this child that raises a red flag for us thus far, and she was able to give us quite a bit of information about him/her. I didn't even have any follow-up questions and if you know me, that is nearly an impossibly.
We called her back and told her we were in love.
She will contact the worker in the morning and I guess we'll go from there.
We shall see . . .
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
So Damned Tired
So I followed through on my committment to myself. The last three days I have literally spent hours pouring through state websites, national databases and heart galleries, looking at the profiles of kids who we might be a match for. O and I even decided to expand our search parameters, considering much older kids than we were initially looking at.
I've sent probably 30 initial contacts to case workers in all the state that are within driving distance of our home, and have heard back from most of them. Some were quite enthusiastic. All requested our home study. Some state require it from our worker directly. Others are fine with the individual submitting it.
I have a copy of our home study on my computer. Our worker sent it to me to proof read which was a good thing, since they had about 25 things wrong on it, including our dates of birth and even my name in one place. (I am not Mrs. Sealy. Don't even know Mrs. Sealy.)
I was hopeful that I could just send it out to the states that weren't particular about who submitted it. Nope.
I was hopeful, then, that our worker could send out the "official" copies since she has the original. Nope.
Our state requires us to send a letter to the state office requesting that our official home study be sent to one state. One state only. I have to include the contact name of the person we've been in touch with and the child we are interested in. (Of course, there are SEVERAL kids in each of the states, and the contact people are different for each child. I am too angry to even ASK if my state will send several home study copies to one state or if it can only be one at a time.)
After the home study is sent out of state, our state gives that state THREE MONTHS to decide whether they will use us as a resource. We cannot pursue any other out of state children during that time.
THEN, if the other state doesn't use us as a resource, we can craft yet another letter to the state office requesting that our home study be sent to ANOTHER state about ANOTHER child.
Oh, and let's not forget that I can't even send a letter to the state for several weeks because we've changed the age range of the child we're interested in and it will take that long to get that corrected in the home study and in the state's computer system.
I understand that they would much prefer for us to adopt a child from our state. We would too! But it seems to me that they are doing everything possible to discourage us from looking outside the state.
Just heard one of those, "You'd make a great parent to an older child in foster care" bullshit commercials. I'd love to rewrite the copy for that particular ad, except they wouldn't be able to air it on the radio.
I've sent probably 30 initial contacts to case workers in all the state that are within driving distance of our home, and have heard back from most of them. Some were quite enthusiastic. All requested our home study. Some state require it from our worker directly. Others are fine with the individual submitting it.
I have a copy of our home study on my computer. Our worker sent it to me to proof read which was a good thing, since they had about 25 things wrong on it, including our dates of birth and even my name in one place. (I am not Mrs. Sealy. Don't even know Mrs. Sealy.)
I was hopeful that I could just send it out to the states that weren't particular about who submitted it. Nope.
I was hopeful, then, that our worker could send out the "official" copies since she has the original. Nope.
Our state requires us to send a letter to the state office requesting that our official home study be sent to one state. One state only. I have to include the contact name of the person we've been in touch with and the child we are interested in. (Of course, there are SEVERAL kids in each of the states, and the contact people are different for each child. I am too angry to even ASK if my state will send several home study copies to one state or if it can only be one at a time.)
After the home study is sent out of state, our state gives that state THREE MONTHS to decide whether they will use us as a resource. We cannot pursue any other out of state children during that time.
THEN, if the other state doesn't use us as a resource, we can craft yet another letter to the state office requesting that our home study be sent to ANOTHER state about ANOTHER child.
Oh, and let's not forget that I can't even send a letter to the state for several weeks because we've changed the age range of the child we're interested in and it will take that long to get that corrected in the home study and in the state's computer system.
I understand that they would much prefer for us to adopt a child from our state. We would too! But it seems to me that they are doing everything possible to discourage us from looking outside the state.
Just heard one of those, "You'd make a great parent to an older child in foster care" bullshit commercials. I'd love to rewrite the copy for that particular ad, except they wouldn't be able to air it on the radio.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Fa la la la la!
^^^^^ "helping" put up Christmas lights^^^^^
I know I’ve mentioned it here before, but I just love the holidays and this year, like most years, we tried to wring every last drop of fun and merriment out of them. Seems like we had something going on from early December until just a few days ago.
I had a girlfriend visit from Michigan for a few days before Christmas, and she left just in time to celebrate O’s birthday on the 23rd. (He was sick with some sort of virus, but my lemon pound cake seemed to make him feel somewhat better.)
Christmas Eve I made pies and we spent the evening at my mom and dad’s opening gifts and eating too much. Christmas Day was crazy busy – a yummy breakfast and opening presents at O’s parents’ house, Christmas lunch for my parents and cousin at our house, and then a couple of hours of “down time” before our yearly Christmas Day Open House. We had about 25 – 30 people come to talk, laugh, and watch “Christmas Vacation”.
Yet another girlfriend arrived from Ohio for a week on the 27th, and in the meantime my FIL was hospitalized for several days. (He’s home now and doing better.)
New Year’s Eve I had yet another girlfriend visit for a few days. Once our Ohio guest was delivered safely to the airport, we were ready for some solitude, just me & O. I hurriedly put away our houseful of decorations (7 trees are fun to put up – grim to take down), and I had one day to immerse myself in pre-National Championship festivities before our beloved football team played on Thursday.
We had our dear friends over for the game and though I did not enjoy the game at all until the end we WON we WON we WON.
The day after our big win, O and I drove to the location of the college, got some lunch, wandered around near campus and did some shopping, and generally enjoyed the festive atmosphere with some seriously excited fans. We even drove out to the airport to welcome the team home, but it was about 10 degrees and incredibly windy, so we decided to avoid pneumonia and watch it on TV. Such a fun day though. We hope to return for the parade/celebration this coming weekend, depending on the weather.
I can say with all honestly that during the holidays, I did absolutely nothing on the foster/adopt front. Didn’t look at our state website, or other state’s websites or heart galleries. I didn’t even think about it really. It wasn’t a conscious decision, but in retrospect, I don’t think I was willing to tarnish that wonderful time of the year by spending any time focusing on what we don’t have, because we have so, so much.
Now, though, my plan is to throw myself into the search whole-heartedly – to make the search my “job” for the next few months to see what eventuates. I can’t put a date on it, but my feeling is that if we don’t have a child in our home by the end of the year, we’ll call it quits and get on with our lives.
I had a girlfriend visit from Michigan for a few days before Christmas, and she left just in time to celebrate O’s birthday on the 23rd. (He was sick with some sort of virus, but my lemon pound cake seemed to make him feel somewhat better.)
Christmas Eve I made pies and we spent the evening at my mom and dad’s opening gifts and eating too much. Christmas Day was crazy busy – a yummy breakfast and opening presents at O’s parents’ house, Christmas lunch for my parents and cousin at our house, and then a couple of hours of “down time” before our yearly Christmas Day Open House. We had about 25 – 30 people come to talk, laugh, and watch “Christmas Vacation”.
Yet another girlfriend arrived from Ohio for a week on the 27th, and in the meantime my FIL was hospitalized for several days. (He’s home now and doing better.)
New Year’s Eve I had yet another girlfriend visit for a few days. Once our Ohio guest was delivered safely to the airport, we were ready for some solitude, just me & O. I hurriedly put away our houseful of decorations (7 trees are fun to put up – grim to take down), and I had one day to immerse myself in pre-National Championship festivities before our beloved football team played on Thursday.
We had our dear friends over for the game and though I did not enjoy the game at all until the end we WON we WON we WON.
The day after our big win, O and I drove to the location of the college, got some lunch, wandered around near campus and did some shopping, and generally enjoyed the festive atmosphere with some seriously excited fans. We even drove out to the airport to welcome the team home, but it was about 10 degrees and incredibly windy, so we decided to avoid pneumonia and watch it on TV. Such a fun day though. We hope to return for the parade/celebration this coming weekend, depending on the weather.
I can say with all honestly that during the holidays, I did absolutely nothing on the foster/adopt front. Didn’t look at our state website, or other state’s websites or heart galleries. I didn’t even think about it really. It wasn’t a conscious decision, but in retrospect, I don’t think I was willing to tarnish that wonderful time of the year by spending any time focusing on what we don’t have, because we have so, so much.
Now, though, my plan is to throw myself into the search whole-heartedly – to make the search my “job” for the next few months to see what eventuates. I can’t put a date on it, but my feeling is that if we don’t have a child in our home by the end of the year, we’ll call it quits and get on with our lives.
Who knows.
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