What I do know . . .

There are a lot of things I don’t know . . .

1. Is there any news about Mark and his case? No idea – we sent the SW an e-mail early last week. Not a word back. The next court date is mid-June. Maybe we’ll know something before then. Or at least afterwards.

2. Has anything happened in the Amy/Chris saga? I haven't the foggiest notion.

3. Will we ever, ever come to the end of this road and have a wonderful, magical little creature living in our kids’ room and calling us “Mom” and “Dad”? Your guess is as good as mine.

4. This fall, when our foster/adopt license runs out, will we renew? I truly can’t say.

But what I DO know is that I am married to the best person I have ever met and I feel so, so grateful that we have kept the promise that we made to ourselves years ago.

We vowed to never, never let our pursuit of parenthood negatively affect our marriage. If it ever did, we were going to stop immediately. Nothing was worth risking our marriage.

Of course, we’ve had occasional moments of discord (and when I say moments, I literally meant moments – neither of us can stand to be upset with each other for more than a few minutes), but I can honestly say that we are stronger, happier, more of a team, and more in love than we were when we started down this crazy road. And that is an immense blessing.

We’ve had such a lovely weekend so far. We went to an auction and had a barbecue with my parents yesterday. Today we ran some errands and came home to a thunderstorm. Since we didn’t have anything on the agenda, we raised the bedroom windows to listen to the rain and lay on the bed watching the Brav&es game and talking about plans for the summer. The sun finally came out this afternoon, making the temps in the low 70’s and the humidity 80% (I’m melting). Ahhh, I am a lucky girl. A lucky SWEATY girl, but lucky nonetheless.

The "S' Word

“Surely we’ll know something soon!!!”

Do you have any idea how often my husband and I have uttered that exact phrase in the past 2 ½ years?

Two hundred? Three hundred?

Easily.

The out-of-state situation seems to be speedily headed towards its’ dramatic conclusion, whatever that may be.

Amy has screwed up. Big time. It seems that whatever small possibility she may have had to keep Chris is gone.

This was our fear, of course – that she’d drag her feet too long before telling the SW about us, do something stupid in the meantime (and trust me, “stupid” doesn’t begin to cover it), and lose whatever right she had to decide where Chris is placed.

Amy’s SW will be sitting down with her, probably this week, to tell her that she knows what she’s been doing. And what she’s been hiding. I suspect that this will be Amy’s last opportunity to say, “I have a placement for Chris.” Beyond that, social services could step in at any moment, stop her visits, and that would be that until the next court hearing where TPR is expected.

Beyond Chris, Amy is dragging two other kids through this unholy MESS, and it just makes me so angry. Nothing to do with us at all. Yes it’s frustrating, but whatever happens, O and I are healthy and happy and madly in love. We will go on with our lives. But I am angry that Amy doesn’t care enough about these babies to even TRY to get her life together. Yes, she’s young and I can totally understand wanting to BE young and go and party with her friends. And if that’s what she wants to do, she SHOULD – but let these babies have a CHANCE at a life – with us or with someone else who would thank God everyday for them.

So for now we continue to wait, but surely we’ll know something soon!!! Right?

And then there is another out-of-state possibility – a little guy named Jason. His case appears to be headed towards TPR. A friend is the foster mom, and she and her husband aren’t looking to adopt. We’ve met Jason – he is adorable - so we have a decision to make as to whether we’ll submit our home study if things get that far. We’re strongly leaning towards “yes”.

We’re still missing our little Mark – the child who was a couple of days from being placed in our home when we had to walk away. I e-mailed the SW yesterday to see if there were any developments in his case. Haven’t heard back yet.

But surely we’ll know something soon!!! Right?

"Soon" - BAH HUMBUG!!!

Perspective

I got a fantastic e-mail over the weekend. It was from a birth mom (let’s call her Louise) who’d been reading my blogs. At one point in her life, she’d voluntarily agreed to termination of her parental rights so that her child could be adopted by his/her foster parents.

She told me just how difficult it was for her to make that decision. She told me how much she misses her child, even though she knows that allowing the foster (now adoptive) parents to raise him/her was the greatest gift she could give her child at that point. But what stopped me in my tracks was when she told me that one of the biggest things she struggled with was that, when all was said and done, the court records would state that she voluntarily gave up her child.

Now, I’ve done a lot of thinking about Amy and her choices re: her son. A lot.

And it would never, ever have occurred to me that CHOOSING to give up her child to a loving home might cause more shame for her than simply having her child taken away by the state.

But it makes perfect sense, and I think that that’s exactly what’s going on, at least in part.

If Amy agreed to TPR, her son could come back to her when he is 18 and say, “Why didn’t you want me? You GAVE ME AWAY!!” What a terrifying prospect – that your son wouldn’t understand that you’d acted out of love.

But if Amy hung on by her fingertips doing just enough to get by until social services or the judge had had enough and Chris was taken away, at least she could say that she’d done all she could do (whether she actually had or not) – that she would never, never have given him up if she'd had any choice at all. Perhaps she could even convince herself of that, in that way we all try to fool ourselves about certain things every now and then.

Thank you Louise. You have reminded me that as I sit here in frustration, waiting to discover what will ultimately happen, there is a girl in (another state) faced with the most difficult choice of her life.

Thanks for your generosity. I think you rock.

Is Today THE Day? *Updated*

Today Amy has another court hearing regarding her son Chris, the child she says she wants us to adopt. Amy told my friend, Chris' foster mom, that she was going to talk to the SW about us adopting Chris before the hearing. A few days later she told my friend that she didn't know if she would or not - that her attorney wouldn't "let her".

I do believe that Amy is genuine in wanting us to be Chris' parents. I really do. I believe that she knows that she simply can't provide for him. I haven't had any indication that Amy has wavered for even a moment since she approached my friend about this situation.

What I think is happening is that her attorney is reigning Amy in for the time being because having a child in the foster care system probably allows her to receive certain specific services through the state. If Chris is placed with us and the goal is no longer reunification, I would imagine that those services will disappear.

This attorney has also come to care a lot about Amy and I'd also imagine she's having Amy hold off as long as possible to make absolutely certain that this is what she wants to do.

The problem is that if the judge gets fed up and moves for TPR (or if Amy screws up in the meantime), she will lose her right to have any say in where Chris is placed. By default, she also loses the opportunity to know what happens to Chris. If this goes to TPR, Chris will be swept away by the foster system and that will be that. Taking us completely out of the equation, I would absolutely hate that for Amy. She loves her son an awful lot.

So today could go any number of ways:

1. Amy doesn't even attend the hearing. She didn't attend the last one.

2. Amy attends the hearing and not a word is said about us, which means at least another month of waiting to see how this will play out. At least.

3. Amy finds the courage to tell the SW about us and we should prepare for things to kick into high gear.

I'm guessing it's #1 or #2. I hate to be cynical, but things typically don't work in our favor when we're this close to having a child come stay forever.

But who knows, maybe today really is THE day.

***UPDATE*** Hit the "post" button and ye shall receive an answer. So no, NOT today. Court case is continued for a couple of months and then, if Amy doesn't complete her plan, it will move to TPR.

Yes, I do.

I mentioned a couple of posts back that I parted ways with someone who I'd considered my best friend for ten years. It was a long time coming and the absolute right thing to do. You can read about our past here and here to get an idea of why.

The straw that broke the camel's back came in February.

The last time we spoke, I told her that within a week we'd know whether we were chosen to be the parents of a little boy named "Smiley". I told her how unbelievably nervous we already were, not only for ourselves, but at the prospect of him being placed with someone who'd come out of the woodwork wanting to adopt him. We had very specific, very valid concerns about his safety if he was placed in that home.

Five days later we found out that we didn't get Smiley. We were devastated.

Twenty-two days later, E, my "best friend" finally picked up the phone. I just let it go to voicemail but did send her an e-mail later in the week.

E,

I’m not sure why you called the other day. What could possibly be left for us to say to each other at this point?

You have consistently chosen to either disrupt or disappear during the happiest moments of my life.

As the date for Smiley’s adoption committee meeting approached, you were increasingly snippy and surly.

When we last spoke, I told you that we’d know within a week whether we’d get to adopt Smiley or whether he’d be sent to live with (the other person).

Twenty-two days later, you picked up the phone. Twenty-two days.

So either you chose to miss the opportunity to see my dream of motherhood come true or you chose to miss the opportunity to support me at one of the most devastating moments of my life.

“Honest to God, I cannot believe that we’re here again.”

I wrote those words in an e-mail to you almost two years ago to the day.

What’s the old saying? “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me?” I wonder what applies to, “Fool me five times”? I’m guessing “Shame on both of us.”

I don’t know why you begrudge the people who love you their happiness, E, but I’ll be praying that one day you’ll choose something different. If you don’t, you are going to be a very lonely woman, and that would be a shame.

I received a hateful, attacking e-mail in response, with a letter of apology soon to follow.

I shouldn't have sent the e-mail yesterday. I was angry and hurt and I should have waited before responding. I didn't and I am sorry. I've been thinking about what you said. You're right as much as I hate to acknowledge it myself, you are right about me not being there for you. I should have called sooner much sooner.

I didn't wake up that morning thinking, I know they should be hearing about Smiley, so I'm NOT going to call. That didn't happen. I just wasn't thinking about it at all. I am ashamed to admit that. Worst of all, I don't know why. The only conclusion is your charge against me must be true. I can't find another answer. I wish I could. Sitting back watching someone attain something you've desired your whole life, while you're life feels so pointless is beyond painful and so I seem to check out right when you need me the most. I am sorry and hope one day you can find a way to forgive me.

She never thought about it. She has had a front row seat for our pain as we've tried to add to our family for YEARS. And she never thought about it. What kind of person is this?

I did appreciate what she had to say. I really did. I know just how hard it is to admit when you're wrong. I wrote and told her so, but said that I couldn't return to our friendship - that "It would only be a matter of time before the same thing happened again, and I deserve better than that. It took me a long time to remember that, but I’m glad I finally did. "
I also addressed the fact that she's been depressed for a really long time, and said that I hoped she'd get some treatment for it- that I knew she often felt like she should simply "muscle through" things, but that it was also okay to reach out for some help.

Finally, I told her that I was concerned that she said her life felt "pointless" and that I hoped if she was considering harming herself in any way, that she'd reach out to the people who love her for some help.

E has a lot of pain from her childhood that she has yet to resolve. It impacts all of her relationships and I've seen her alienate just about every one of her friends. I knew that by walking away from her, it was very likely she'd have no one to talk to. That, plus some very frustrating situations in her life, plus her depression left me feeling like I needed to do more to help ensure that she was okay. I chose to walk away from her, but I still cared about what happened to her.

I thought about calling her, but simply had no confidence that, given the state of our relationship, she'd be honest with me or receptive to anything I had to say on the subject. I considered contacting her mother, but E's relationship with her mom is very similar to the one I have with mine. They love each other dearly but her mom drives E absolutely insane. So I turned to the one person I knew would do anything in the world for her - her brother. He and I had never met, but I sat down and wrote him a long letter telling him how much his sister had meant to me over the years, and just how concerned I was about her.

I figured there would be some sort of response from E, which there was.

Attack attack attack. She wanted me to apologize for sending the letter. My only response was that I cared about her and was concerned for her, and would do it all again 100 times if it meant ensuring her safety.
She then ramped up the hatefulness. I was fine with it until I read the following:

Once you pointed out just how hurtful my actions were, I felt genuinely contrite and sorry. It wasn't intentional but it hurt you none the less. So while your concern for me is appreciated, the execution is what I take issue with. You're very good you at taking people to task and expecting them to own up to their actions, but you don't seem to be willing to do the same. A true friend would have at least acknowledged the unintentional pain she had caused and taken responsibility for it.

That was IT for me! IT! I had had enough of her hateful attacking. I had had enough of her lies. Here was someone who was supposed to be my best friend, and who had either caused chaos or walked away at the happiest moments of my life. Every single time. Every one since we met ten years ago. Here is someone who claimed to have felt "genuinely contrite and sorry" about all of it, but you know what???

SHE NEVER ASKED IF WE GOT SMILEY. EVEN AFTER ALL THIS, WITH E-MAILS FLYING BACK AND FORTH AND BACK AND FORTH. SHE NEVER ASKED. SHE STILL DOESN'T KNOW.

So I wrote the following:

E,
Does the constant drama and anger you choose to live in never exhaust you? Because it exhausts me. In fact, I have had enough of it to last several lifetimes.

For you to say that once I told you just how hurtful your actions were, you felt genuinely contrite and sorry? Was that the first time, or the second time, or the third time, or the fourth time, or the fifth time you did the EXACT SAME THING? You, my dear, are full of shit.

For you to tell me that I need to take responsibility for MY actions when it was YOUR words that precipitated my concern? Where is your responsibility in the matter? Oh that's right, you are, once again, a blameless victim.

For you to outline in paragraph after paragraph the many ways in which I am a bad friend? I find that pretty ironic given that I seem to have an abundance of really close, really wonderful friends who love me and would do just about anything for me.

And for you to have the nerve to try and tell ANYONE how a "true friend" should behave is so absurd that it literally made me laugh out loud. Truly priceless.

You are self-absorbed, self-righteous, and angry at the world - not a pretty combination. A week ago, I really hoped that you would get some help so you could have a joyful life. Today, I couldn't care less. If you want to be bitter and lonely, tear it up.

As I hit the "send" button, I had no second thoughts. None. Even all this time later, I feel 100% at peace with what I had to say. It is rare for me to "go off" on someone like that, but this was a long time coming. I'd held my tongue and tried to take the high road and I'd simply had enough.

In the ensuing months, I've had to take a look at why I chose to remain in a relationship with someone who treated me like this. I have been able to identify a few reasons.

I was in a very bad relationship when E and I met, and she helped me get out of it. When I tried to push her away, she stood her ground and let me know that she was my friend and that there was a whole world outside of this bad relationship for me to experience if I wanted to. Breaking ties with that person changed my life and absolutely made it possible for me to be where I am today - happily married to the man of my dreams. Without E, I don' think that would have been possible.

Also, I really believe that she is, underneath all her pain and anger, a good person and regardless of what I said in that final e-mail, I do hope she'll get some help to work through her past so she can be happy.

Are there times I miss her? Sure. She was my best friend and it certainly wasn't all bad.

Are there times I wish she was still in my life? No. I am better off without her.

But I do wish it could have been different? Yes, I do. I really really do.

We Shall See

The TPR hearing for the little guy we are still hoping to adopt (the one we had to walk away from awhile back)? Postponed for another month. Blahhhhhh.

Never one to wallow around without trying to pull myself out of a funk, I started thinking, "What if we simply aren't supposed to be parents. It's been almost 3 years. What if it just isn't in the cards for us.? What THEN?!?!" Surely I haven't been reading and researching every aspect of the foster system for nothing.

Yesterday, I e-mailed our local C*A*S*A office to find out about becoming a volunteer with their organization. Basically their mission is "to ensure that every abused, neglected and/or abandoned child has a competent, caring volunteer appointed to advocate for the child’s best interest in court".

I haven't heard back from them, but I am really excited at the prospect of finding out more. Of course, my first question was whether us wanting to adopt from the foster system would be considered a conflict of interest. If so, I'll have to stick with our current path, at least for the moment, but it's nice to know that I might be able to take all this knowledge and my passion for kids and actually do something CONSTRUCTIVE with it.

We shall see.

Time, Understanding, and Bravo

I was driving home yesterday when it occurred to me - I'm depressed. Not in a stay-in-bed-all-day-needs-medication kind of way, but I think it's safe to say that I have a serious case of the "blahs".

I am a girl who LOVES a project. I have a ridiculous number of interests - writing, reading, quilting, crafting, scrapbooking, photography, gardening, etc., and right now, I can't seem to get interested in anything. Except watching the "Real House++wives" shows on Bravo. Don't judge.


I get frustrated with myself when I slip into one of these funks. Thankfully it doesn't happen often, but when it does I am not necessarily kind and gentle with myself. I look around at people who have REAL problems - unhappy marriages, health issues, unemployment, foreclosure, kids who are breaking their hearts, on and on and on . . .

and I think . . . I just need to SNAP OUT OF IT! BIG WHINING BABY!

Except I started looking at all that had gone on in my life even in the last three months:

1. We were positive that we were going to be able to adopt a beautiful little boy, Smiley, in Feb., only to have someone with a biological tie swoop in from nowhere the week prior to the adoption committee meeting - someone who'd known about Smiley and had chosen to do nothing for 2 years.

2. I had my first (and only) fight with my SIL when she betrayed our confidence re: the details of our journey to adopt to her church friends when we'd specifically, and on many occasions, asked her not to. While we've completely made up, the fact that a bunch of people from O's hometown know our private business still stings from time to time.

3. While things are good between me and my SIL, my relationship with my MIL has changed as a result of the situation, and I don't think it can ever be what it was. That is a post unto itself, but suffice it to say that it weighs on my mind a lot.

4. We experienced firsthand that there is favoritism going on at our local D*C*F*S office, which is beyond disheartening.

5. We spent over a month doing visits with and falling in love with a little boy who was going to be placed in our home, only to be forced to walk away from the situation through no fault of our own. We still miss him every day.

6. A 21-year-old lead us to believe that she wanted to place her child with us for adoption. In fact, she also mentioned at various times, us taking another one or two of her other children, as it appeared that social services was closing in on her. We agreed to everything she was wanting, most specifically to her having the opportunity to know how her child was doing through the years. And then *poof* - nothing for over a month. It seems that perhaps social services isn't breathing down her neck as much as she'd feared, and now that she's lined up her fall-back plan (us) she's merrily on with her life while we wait in limbo.

7. I broke all ties with my closest girlfriend of ten years. It had been a long time coming, was a relief in many ways, and was absolutely the right decision, but I am still sad for the way it all turned out.

8. One of the baby kitties I found this time last year, and raised from 2-weeks-old disappeared without a trace a couple of months ago. I miss little Freddie.

Plus, OMG - the Mother's Day Posts on FB and on nearly every single blog I read - cute photos and cute anecdotes about cute homemade cards and cute breakfasts in bed and cute cute cuteness. Next year I will be taking a sabbatical from the computer around Mother's Day. Oy.

So needless to say, the last few months have been a lot. And I deserve to give myself a little time to grieve all of these things. It's nothing a little time and understanding (FROM myself FOR myself) won't heal. Well, understanding and as much Bravo TV programming as I can handle.

Happy Mother's Day from the South

Overheard by my dear husband in the Wal*mart a couple of days ago:

Woman: "Where are you goin'???"

Man: "I'm goin' to get Mama some underwear!"

Woman: "Is she in the hospital?"

Man: "No, it's Mother's Day!!!"

Just what every mother wants from her son for Mother's Day - some underwear from Wal*mart.

Wishing all of you a very Happy Mother's Day! Here's hoping you don't get pant#ies!

Enough for Now

Did I mention that we were thisclose to having a child placed in our home a couple of months back - the most adorable, magical little kid you'd ever want to meet?


He would have been a legal risk placement, meaning that his case appeared to be headed for TPR, but there were no guarantees. All we were assured of was that we'd have him for a couple of months. Then we'd have to see what the judge decided - TPR, back to bio parents, or more time in foster care while bio parents were given yet an other opportunity to get their s*&^ together.


We went into it determined to be smart - to remember that this wasn't our child and we needed to guard our hearts because it was very possible that we'd have him for a month or two and then he'd be gone forever.


That plan? Lasted all of about five minutes.


We were completely enchanted with this child from the start. We spent lots of time with him and he seemed to be comfortable and happy in our home. Overnight visits went beautifully. Our days were spent in the sandbox, swinging on the swing O put up, chasing very patient cats and a one-eyed dog, feeding chickens, and doing artwork.

This child totally and completely fit into our home and our lives like he'd always been here. He had become (appropriately) attached to us too.


We'd begun to transfer his stuff to our house from his foster home. And then one Monday morning I was on the way to pick him up for a visit - our last visit before he'd move in, and I got a call from his worker. I can't share anything about what I was told, but it completely stopped us in our tracks.


I called O, I called our SW whom I trust implicitly, and I called my girlfriend in GA who is a foster mom. All were in agreement that we should walk away - that it was absolutely in our best interest. (Well, my girlfriend in GA said to "RUN!" and at the time, our SW only said that the situation we were confronted with would most likely get much worse before it got better. She told me later that we'd done the right thing - that she would have absolutely done the same thing.)


So I made what was simultaneously the most difficult and the easiest call I've ever had to make, and told his SW that we could not proceed. Nothing the little one did, nothing we did, nothing social services did. It was something that someone else did - and if what you put out into the world really does come back around to you, this person should expect a sh$%storm to descend upon them any time now.

We miss the little one every day. We think of him and hope that he is well and happy. We know he must have wondered, at least initially, what happened to us. That makes us sad. But his worker has assured us that if another adoptive placement isn't found for him and if TPR is done, we will absolutely be considered for him. Who knows?


If we'd been able to proceed with our plan, I would have had someone to tuck into bed on Mother's Day. Sigh.


Ah well, for a few days I knew what it was like to have a wonderful, magical little creature in our midst. I knew what it was like to get big hugs in the morning and to sing someone to sleep. I finally got to see O be a dad. He was really good at it.

And as Mother's Day 2010 approaches, that will have to be enough . . . for now.

Now Wouldn't That Be Something?

We're living our lives in a bit of limbo these days.

Mid-March, we were approached by an out-of-state friend regarding one of her foster children - let's call him "Chris". Chris' birthmom "Amy", who is quite young and has other children, had come to the realization that with everything on her plate, she wasn't going to be able to regain custody of Chris. Above all, Amy didn't want to totally lose contact with Chris and she knew that if the case went much farther, TPR would be done and Chris would be adopted and gone from her life forever.

Social services had begged Amy to think of someone - anyone - to take Chris. Sadly, she has no one who would be acceptable. Then she thought of us.

Amy knew about us and contacted our friend, Chris' foster mom, to find out if we'd be interested in adopting him, and if we'd allow some communication to continue between them - maybe letters, photos, and occasional calls or visits. I told our friend that we'd definitely be open to that as long as it was safe and healthy for Chris.

We drove to the other state last month to see Amy. We all met at a local park.

My heart went out to Amy. To be quite honest, I walked away wishing we could adopt HER. To be that young, to have been through what she's been through, and to have no one - NO ONE - to support her. My heart just broke.

Anyway, I don't think the meeting could have gone any better. Our friend warned me that Amy was very shy, but once I told Amy how nervous I was, she admitted she was nervous too and we were off to the races. She talked and talked and talked and I felt really honored that she opened up to me. I answered all of her questions as best I could, and we laughed a lot. She left our afternoon at the park seemingly very enthusiastic about us raising her son.

That was a month ago. (It seems like 6 months ago. Time is dragging.)

She has an attorney and their advice was for Amy to move slowly with this. I would imagine that the attorney wants Amy to be very very certain of her decision, and to see if there might, in fact, be a chance for Amy to keep Chris. I completely understand that.

The next step, if she chooses to move forward, will be for Amy to contact her SW and let her know she has identified someone to raise Chris. Ultimately, the decision will be social services', but the fact that we are already an approved foster/adoptive home should only work in our favor. I'd think that being out-of-state would be a strike against us, though. More work for the SWs.

If you'd asked me on that bright sunny afternoon last month whether I thought this would work out, I'd probably have said yes. Now, I'm not so sure. (I haven't heard anything about what's going on in a couple of weeks or so, so this is strictly based on what's running around in my head.)

For this to happen, Amy is going to have to be PROACTIVE - to take specific steps to prevent Chris' case from going to TPR. Frankly, I'm not sure that Amy has ever done anything proactive in her life. She seems to be someone to whom life happens and she is simply swept along with the flow.

That is not a criticism, by the way.

She is so, so young. She started off with 2 1/2 strikes against her coming from the family she does. There's not a lot of opportunity to take a stand for yourself and create anything for your life when you're just trying to stay alive and overcome the serious mistakes of your past.

She also seems flaky. Again, most likely a product of her age and immaturity.

She is also intimidated by SWs and judges and attorneys. For her to take a stand and say, "This is my son and THIS is the way I want it to be" may be more than she is capable of.

Who knows? We are head over heels for Chris, though, so we are willing to wait and see what happens.

That leaves us in a bit of limbo for the moment, though. We can't really consider taking a foster placement until this is resolved one way or the other. If things do fall into place, we need to be free to travel back and forth to the other state - and quickly - as often as necessary. We couldn't do that with a foster child without constantly getting travel requests approved by judges.

Usually I can look at a situation and wager a guess as to how things will go. This one has me bumfuzzled. I simply have no idea. I do know that historically, hope has not been our friend.

That being said, tucked away in the corner of my craft closet, I DO have wooden letters that spell out Chris' name, just waiting for a phone call that allows me to take them out and paint and decorate them and get them on the wall for his homecoming.

Now wouldn't that be something?