Yes, I do.

I mentioned a couple of posts back that I parted ways with someone who I'd considered my best friend for ten years. It was a long time coming and the absolute right thing to do. You can read about our past here and here to get an idea of why.

The straw that broke the camel's back came in February.

The last time we spoke, I told her that within a week we'd know whether we were chosen to be the parents of a little boy named "Smiley". I told her how unbelievably nervous we already were, not only for ourselves, but at the prospect of him being placed with someone who'd come out of the woodwork wanting to adopt him. We had very specific, very valid concerns about his safety if he was placed in that home.

Five days later we found out that we didn't get Smiley. We were devastated.

Twenty-two days later, E, my "best friend" finally picked up the phone. I just let it go to voicemail but did send her an e-mail later in the week.

E,

I’m not sure why you called the other day. What could possibly be left for us to say to each other at this point?

You have consistently chosen to either disrupt or disappear during the happiest moments of my life.

As the date for Smiley’s adoption committee meeting approached, you were increasingly snippy and surly.

When we last spoke, I told you that we’d know within a week whether we’d get to adopt Smiley or whether he’d be sent to live with (the other person).

Twenty-two days later, you picked up the phone. Twenty-two days.

So either you chose to miss the opportunity to see my dream of motherhood come true or you chose to miss the opportunity to support me at one of the most devastating moments of my life.

“Honest to God, I cannot believe that we’re here again.”

I wrote those words in an e-mail to you almost two years ago to the day.

What’s the old saying? “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me?” I wonder what applies to, “Fool me five times”? I’m guessing “Shame on both of us.”

I don’t know why you begrudge the people who love you their happiness, E, but I’ll be praying that one day you’ll choose something different. If you don’t, you are going to be a very lonely woman, and that would be a shame.

I received a hateful, attacking e-mail in response, with a letter of apology soon to follow.

I shouldn't have sent the e-mail yesterday. I was angry and hurt and I should have waited before responding. I didn't and I am sorry. I've been thinking about what you said. You're right as much as I hate to acknowledge it myself, you are right about me not being there for you. I should have called sooner much sooner.

I didn't wake up that morning thinking, I know they should be hearing about Smiley, so I'm NOT going to call. That didn't happen. I just wasn't thinking about it at all. I am ashamed to admit that. Worst of all, I don't know why. The only conclusion is your charge against me must be true. I can't find another answer. I wish I could. Sitting back watching someone attain something you've desired your whole life, while you're life feels so pointless is beyond painful and so I seem to check out right when you need me the most. I am sorry and hope one day you can find a way to forgive me.

She never thought about it. She has had a front row seat for our pain as we've tried to add to our family for YEARS. And she never thought about it. What kind of person is this?

I did appreciate what she had to say. I really did. I know just how hard it is to admit when you're wrong. I wrote and told her so, but said that I couldn't return to our friendship - that "It would only be a matter of time before the same thing happened again, and I deserve better than that. It took me a long time to remember that, but I’m glad I finally did. "
I also addressed the fact that she's been depressed for a really long time, and said that I hoped she'd get some treatment for it- that I knew she often felt like she should simply "muscle through" things, but that it was also okay to reach out for some help.

Finally, I told her that I was concerned that she said her life felt "pointless" and that I hoped if she was considering harming herself in any way, that she'd reach out to the people who love her for some help.

E has a lot of pain from her childhood that she has yet to resolve. It impacts all of her relationships and I've seen her alienate just about every one of her friends. I knew that by walking away from her, it was very likely she'd have no one to talk to. That, plus some very frustrating situations in her life, plus her depression left me feeling like I needed to do more to help ensure that she was okay. I chose to walk away from her, but I still cared about what happened to her.

I thought about calling her, but simply had no confidence that, given the state of our relationship, she'd be honest with me or receptive to anything I had to say on the subject. I considered contacting her mother, but E's relationship with her mom is very similar to the one I have with mine. They love each other dearly but her mom drives E absolutely insane. So I turned to the one person I knew would do anything in the world for her - her brother. He and I had never met, but I sat down and wrote him a long letter telling him how much his sister had meant to me over the years, and just how concerned I was about her.

I figured there would be some sort of response from E, which there was.

Attack attack attack. She wanted me to apologize for sending the letter. My only response was that I cared about her and was concerned for her, and would do it all again 100 times if it meant ensuring her safety.
She then ramped up the hatefulness. I was fine with it until I read the following:

Once you pointed out just how hurtful my actions were, I felt genuinely contrite and sorry. It wasn't intentional but it hurt you none the less. So while your concern for me is appreciated, the execution is what I take issue with. You're very good you at taking people to task and expecting them to own up to their actions, but you don't seem to be willing to do the same. A true friend would have at least acknowledged the unintentional pain she had caused and taken responsibility for it.

That was IT for me! IT! I had had enough of her hateful attacking. I had had enough of her lies. Here was someone who was supposed to be my best friend, and who had either caused chaos or walked away at the happiest moments of my life. Every single time. Every one since we met ten years ago. Here is someone who claimed to have felt "genuinely contrite and sorry" about all of it, but you know what???

SHE NEVER ASKED IF WE GOT SMILEY. EVEN AFTER ALL THIS, WITH E-MAILS FLYING BACK AND FORTH AND BACK AND FORTH. SHE NEVER ASKED. SHE STILL DOESN'T KNOW.

So I wrote the following:

E,
Does the constant drama and anger you choose to live in never exhaust you? Because it exhausts me. In fact, I have had enough of it to last several lifetimes.

For you to say that once I told you just how hurtful your actions were, you felt genuinely contrite and sorry? Was that the first time, or the second time, or the third time, or the fourth time, or the fifth time you did the EXACT SAME THING? You, my dear, are full of shit.

For you to tell me that I need to take responsibility for MY actions when it was YOUR words that precipitated my concern? Where is your responsibility in the matter? Oh that's right, you are, once again, a blameless victim.

For you to outline in paragraph after paragraph the many ways in which I am a bad friend? I find that pretty ironic given that I seem to have an abundance of really close, really wonderful friends who love me and would do just about anything for me.

And for you to have the nerve to try and tell ANYONE how a "true friend" should behave is so absurd that it literally made me laugh out loud. Truly priceless.

You are self-absorbed, self-righteous, and angry at the world - not a pretty combination. A week ago, I really hoped that you would get some help so you could have a joyful life. Today, I couldn't care less. If you want to be bitter and lonely, tear it up.

As I hit the "send" button, I had no second thoughts. None. Even all this time later, I feel 100% at peace with what I had to say. It is rare for me to "go off" on someone like that, but this was a long time coming. I'd held my tongue and tried to take the high road and I'd simply had enough.

In the ensuing months, I've had to take a look at why I chose to remain in a relationship with someone who treated me like this. I have been able to identify a few reasons.

I was in a very bad relationship when E and I met, and she helped me get out of it. When I tried to push her away, she stood her ground and let me know that she was my friend and that there was a whole world outside of this bad relationship for me to experience if I wanted to. Breaking ties with that person changed my life and absolutely made it possible for me to be where I am today - happily married to the man of my dreams. Without E, I don' think that would have been possible.

Also, I really believe that she is, underneath all her pain and anger, a good person and regardless of what I said in that final e-mail, I do hope she'll get some help to work through her past so she can be happy.

Are there times I miss her? Sure. She was my best friend and it certainly wasn't all bad.

Are there times I wish she was still in my life? No. I am better off without her.

But I do wish it could have been different? Yes, I do. I really really do.