I was driving home yesterday when it occurred to me - I'm depressed. Not in a stay-in-bed-all-day-needs-medication kind of way, but I think it's safe to say that I have a serious case of the "blahs".
I am a girl who LOVES a project. I have a ridiculous number of interests - writing, reading, quilting, crafting, scrapbooking, photography, gardening, etc., and right now, I can't seem to get interested in anything. Except watching the "Real House++wives" shows on Bravo. Don't judge.
I get frustrated with myself when I slip into one of these funks. Thankfully it doesn't happen often, but when it does I am not necessarily kind and gentle with myself. I look around at people who have REAL problems - unhappy marriages, health issues, unemployment, foreclosure, kids who are breaking their hearts, on and on and on . . .
and I think . . . I just need to SNAP OUT OF IT! BIG WHINING BABY!
Except I started looking at all that had gone on in my life even in the last three months:
1. We were positive that we were going to be able to adopt a beautiful little boy, Smiley, in Feb., only to have someone with a biological tie swoop in from nowhere the week prior to the adoption committee meeting - someone who'd known about Smiley and had chosen to do nothing for 2 years.
2. I had my first (and only) fight with my SIL when she betrayed our confidence re: the details of our journey to adopt to her church friends when we'd specifically, and on many occasions, asked her not to. While we've completely made up, the fact that a bunch of people from O's hometown know our private business still stings from time to time.
3. While things are good between me and my SIL, my relationship with my MIL has changed as a result of the situation, and I don't think it can ever be what it was. That is a post unto itself, but suffice it to say that it weighs on my mind a lot.
4. We experienced firsthand that there is favoritism going on at our local D*C*F*S office, which is beyond disheartening.
5. We spent over a month doing visits with and falling in love with a little boy who was going to be placed in our home, only to be forced to walk away from the situation through no fault of our own. We still miss him every day.
6. A 21-year-old lead us to believe that she wanted to place her child with us for adoption. In fact, she also mentioned at various times, us taking another one or two of her other children, as it appeared that social services was closing in on her. We agreed to everything she was wanting, most specifically to her having the opportunity to know how her child was doing through the years. And then *poof* - nothing for over a month. It seems that perhaps social services isn't breathing down her neck as much as she'd feared, and now that she's lined up her fall-back plan (us) she's merrily on with her life while we wait in limbo.
7. I broke all ties with my closest girlfriend of ten years. It had been a long time coming, was a relief in many ways, and was absolutely the right decision, but I am still sad for the way it all turned out.
8. One of the baby kitties I found this time last year, and raised from 2-weeks-old disappeared without a trace a couple of months ago. I miss little Freddie.
Plus, OMG - the Mother's Day Posts on FB and on nearly every single blog I read - cute photos and cute anecdotes about cute homemade cards and cute breakfasts in bed and cute cute cuteness. Next year I will be taking a sabbatical from the computer around Mother's Day. Oy.
So needless to say, the last few months have been a lot. And I deserve to give myself a little time to grieve all of these things. It's nothing a little time and understanding (FROM myself FOR myself) won't heal. Well, understanding and as much Bravo TV programming as I can handle.
