Not quite what I expected . . .

The Easter I expected . . .
A beautiful sunny spring day

Rising early to start cooking lunch

My husband running the vacuum for me

Showering and getting dressed in something girly and springy

Serving a wonderful meal to our family and friends who came to spend Easter with us

Eating only a little bit of everything I cooked since I'm committed to losing weight

Finishing off said wonderful meal with homemade Triple Decker Strawberry Cake with Strawberry Buttercream Frosting

Sitting around visiting with everyone after we ate

Having a relaxing afternoon with my husband & perhaps taking a nap in the hammock

Watching the H*B*O miniseries John Adams

Turning in after a wonderful Easter spent with those we love

The Easter I got . . .
 A beautiful sunny spring day, and having to immediately shut the blinds because I had a screaming headache

Calling our family and friends early to tell them they were on their own for lunch

My husband bringing me Tylenol, ice chips, water, and Maalox

Not showering . . . at all

My husband scrounging around in the kitchen to make himself a peanut butter sandwich for lunch

Actually losing weight because all I could eat was two bites of soup, a small bowl of applesauce and five saltines

Slapping my hands over my ears anytime food was mentioned, especially Triple Decker Strawberry Cake with Strawberry Buttercream Frosting

Only getting out of bed to stagger to the bathroom

Napping in bed with America’s Next T*op Mod*el

Falling asleep several times during the H*B*O miniseries John Adams

Turning in after a sickly Easter being waited on by the one I love

I thought it was the flu but my doctor assures me that it’s not one but TWO viruses. The first arrived Friday with a sore throat, drainage, and a fever. The second arrived Saturday afternoon and lasted through the rest of the weekend with a joyous mixture of fever, headache, diarrhea, constant stomach pain, and nausea. I still feel awful.

By the way, our home study was sent out on Friday. Yeah team! Unfortunately, I feel too awful to be remotely excited right now.

Back to bed for me . . . Nighty night!

Drive By

This will be short and sweet, as I have a little bit of a sore throat and a low grade fever and my husband is making me go take a nap.

On Tuesday morning I sent our SW an e-mail asking if our home study was still on track to be completed today (Friday) and if I could come get it and FedEx it overnight to the state office once she had it all sealed up and ready to go.

No response Tuesday.

No response Wednesday.

By late Thursday afternoon I'd had enough so I had O call her. He found her working away in her office. She said she'd asked her boss if I could FedEx it and I can not. Okay, whatever.

But she ALSO said that said that OUR HOME STUDY SHOULD BE COMPLETED AND IN THE MAIL BEFORE 4PM TODAY AND THE STATE OFFICE SHOULD HAVE IT MONDAY OR TUESDAY!

Tra la! Tra la!

Now, that little tease called "hope" has bit me directly in the buttocks on more than one occasion, so I'm trying not to do too much "tra la - ing" until I find out on Monday whether it actually went. But maybe, just maybe things are looking up.

Of course, that didn't stop me from being aggravated that she never bothered to respond to my e-mail. Seriously, would it have even taken two minutes to write that out and hit the send button?

Oh well, my eyes feel too warm and achey to be too aggravated right now. Off to nap with Dr. Ph*il.

Happy Weekend everybody!

Spring Daydreams

It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so! ~Mark Twain
 Happy Spring everybody! What a glorious day, but not for the reason you might think. It’s actually cloudy and windy but it rained hard enough in the early morning hours that we still have puddles in the yard. Puddles make us seriously happy 'round these parts.

Historically, the arrival of spring has meant all sorts of new possibilities for me. It’s been a time to begin projects, go off in new directions, and participate in some serious daydreaming. I’m sure you can guess the subject of my daydreaming this fine spring morning– finding our child and bringing him/her home.

In one way it seems as if we are “this close” – in another I feel like we are so far away.

One of the strangest aspects of this situation is knowing absolutely NOTHING about the details of how this will unfold. When you’re pregnant, you probably won’t know the exact date you’ll deliver but you can come pretty close. You may not choose to find out the sex, but at least you know that you’ll be bringing home an infant.

With us, everything last thing is a question mark. Infant or 8-year old? Black or white? Boy or Girl? Formula or grilled burgers? Princesses or football? Diapers or basketball uniform? Hair bows or crew cut? Athlete or Artist? Gay or straight? Bed or crib? Yellow farm-themed room or complete redecorating? Daddy’s girl or Mama’s boy? Struggling student or top scholar? Singer or Dancer? Happy-go-lucky or angry with the world? Slow and leisurely “get-to-know you” or last-minute-out-of-the-blue phone call? Will we see anything of ourselves in this child – anything at all?

WHO is this child????

My head fairly spins with all the questions.

So as I sit here at our desk looking about the window and thinking about this child – our someday child - right now there is a blank space where his/her face will one day be. Except . . . I might have already seen the face.

As I mentioned a few days ago, I ran across a photo of an 8-year-old boy on a state adoption website. I have looked at thousands of photos of children available for domestic adoption over the last 9 months. There have been some I’ve been interested in but this child’s description/photo struck me like no other ever has - not even close.

Of course, we are at a standstill until our paperwork is completed/forwarded to the state adoption office by our social worker. Until then we can’t be considered as a possible match for him and can’t find out anything else about him.

I am trying not to get ahead of myself. I do realize that we have very little information about him at this point and that ultimately we have no control over when our home study is submitted. So, I am trying not to get my hopes up that we might have an opportunity to be matched with this child. But I 'd be lying if I said his face wasn't floating around in my spring daydreams today.

I saw my SW last night at a foster/adoptive parent meeting. It was fun to meet some area parents and some of their foster children. I was hoping to get a word with our SW to make sure she was still on track to complete everything Friday, but after the meeting she was swarmed so I zipped off an e-mail this morning. Still waiting for a reply . . .

So for now, I'm daydreaming, obsessively checking my e-mail, watching a Top Ch*ef marathon, and waiting to leave for our IF support group get together tonight. Hi girlies! Can't wait to see you!!!

Wishing you all wonderful spring daydreams today!

Crossroads

There is no doubt about it – I have definitely come to a crossroads with my best friend E. I have some hard decisions to make and find that I am usually able to see things more clearly if I write about them. So here goes nothin’ . . .

To give you some background, E & I met about 8 years ago and were immediate friends. She helped me through one of the most difficult times in my life when I had to make the choice to end my relationship with my then-best-friend Jason who “borrowed” $35,000+ (over the course of several years) and then refused to start repaying me as he had more important places to channel his money (trips, expensive clothing, boyfriends). It was a horrible, destructive relationship and with E’s support I finally had the strength to walk away. Other than marrying my husband, it was hands down the best choice I ever made – and the most difficult. He was family to me for a long time.

Several years later I met O and ours was definitely a whirlwind romance. We met in April, were engaged that summer, and married in early December. I noticed that once O & I started getting serious, which was almost immediately, E’s attitude changed. She was distant and short and standoffish when I brought up the subject of me & O.

And since you don’t know me, I should probably tell you that I’m not one of those people who goes on and on and on about herself. I simply don’t need a lot of attention, or to run my every thought, choice, or experience by my friends, or to share every detail of my life. So while I wasn’t droning on about O & I, I did expect that my “best friend” would be an eager audience to hear at least a little bit about my new-found relationship, as I had done for her for years.

Just after O & I got engaged, E lost her job. It was the beginning of a hard few months for her. I tried very hard to be sensitive to her and make time for her to talk about the things that she was struggling with. I made A LOT of time, and just took my happiness to girlfriends who could be happy for me.

Since there was less than 6 months between our engagement and wedding, I started planning right away. At best, E (MY MAID OF HONOR, by the way) was disinterested and quite often was short and snippy when the wedding was brought up. There were so many times when I asked her to step out of the role of MOH if she wasn’t interested in it, but noooooo, she wasn’t about to do that. So, she stayed around and wreaked havoc.

When I went to ATL for my shower with my closest girlfriends (including E), she acted sullen all weekend. She was LIVID that I couldn’t open the shower gift she’d bought me in front of her because it had been mailed to my house and I’d forgotten to bring it with me. Seriously! So she stormed off for a couple of hours and went to buy another gift. During dinner that night, her anger was palpable. She was completely shut off and let me tell you, I could not get in the car and get the hell out of there fast enough.

She did come one weekend to help with wedding favors and was sullen most of the time. Another one of my friends, J, who also came to help had never met E before. Afterwards J asked me why E didn’t like her, because she’s been so quiet and unfriendly. That same weekend we went to see the movie “Elf”. It’s a silly, funny movie and we all laughed and laughed except E, who never broke a smile.

I found out about a week before the wedding that E had been planning for well over a month to possibly not attend. She had contacted two of our mutual girlfriends to ask if they’d step in and take care of her duties on my wedding day if she chose not to come.

Two days before my big day, she called to tell me that she wasn’t coming – her back was hurting a lot. By that time I’d had enough. Virtually every aspect of planning my wedding and many of the events associated with the engagement/wedding were overshadowed by her actions. So when I heard she wasn’t coming, I simply asked her to send her MOH shoes with one of our friends who was driving in for the wedding as I was replacing her. Suddenly she was able to come.

Of course, that couldn’t be simple either. She had to come laying down in the back of a van and once at my apartment, had to lay on the floor with her feet propped up in the air. Even the night before my wedding, it was still about her to some degree.

All that being said, I could not have asked for a better MOH on the day of my wedding. She was there for me in every way imaginable and I am very grateful for that.

We had a bumpy few months afterwards. I was so hurt – and angry. I have never been one to seek the spotlight, ever in my life. I am not someone for whom great and wonderful things happened. That’s not to say that I had a bad life – I didn’t at all. But when I met O and we fell in love and were to marry, it was BIG. It was my one chance to have something that was just about me (and O, of course). But now as I look back five years later, most of my memories are about E and how her behavior spoiled what should have been some of the happiest times of my life. I can never get those times back, and though I forgave her long ago, I have not forgotten.

In her defense, she says that at the time, her world was falling apart – that when she was laid off from the job that had been her identity for so long, she didn’t know what to do. Do I believe that that’s part of it? Sure – it’s hard to be generous with others when you are so unhappy with your own life. But truth be told, I think that a lot of what fueled her actions was simple old-fashioned jealousy. She couldn’t stand that I was getting something she so desperately wanted, and she was going to make sure that she created drama and upsets all over the place. I doubt that it was something she was consciously doing, but the outcome was the same.

So here we are, almost five years later.

Since this past summer, I’d noticed that when I’d mention, even in passing about our foster/adopt classes, she didn’t seem very interested or have much to say. I didn’t really think much about it, though. I simply didn’t share as much and again, took the news of our progress to girlfriends who would be excited for me. But as we approached our final meeting with the social worker, I was very clear to her during several conversations just what a big deal this was. It was the meeting where we’d find out if our SW would recommend us as adoptive parents. Everything we’d been working towards was wrapped up in that meeting.

I got no call/email either wishing us luck or seeing how it went. Six days later I sent out a group e-mail letting our extended family and friends know that we were approved, and she received it too. She sent back a three sentence e-mail of congratulations.

I’ve written in a couple of previous posts about our communication from there. I basically told her that I understood if she couldn’t emotionally have a front row seat to O & I becoming parents, but neither was I prepared to continue to be hurt by her disappearing at the best moments of my life.

She called last night and we talked for about an hour. She said that because she is struggling to come to terms with the fact that at 45, she’s probably not going to be a mom, she may need to “step away” from our relationship as O & I become parents – to what extent she couldn’t say.

I understand. I truly do, perhaps better than most people could. Because of my infertility, I understand mourning the loss of a dream and how raw and painful it can be when that very dream comes true for the people closest to us. I’ve lived it.

But as she had a choice to make, I have a choice to make. I have to decide whether I am willing to put myself in the situation to be hurt by her withdrawal, her silence, and yes, her jealousy. Because I do think that this is the same scenario that unfolded before my wedding and I can tell you right now, I won’t do it again. I will not have my memories of becoming a mom, something I have dreamed about since I was a child, be tarnished in any way by her. I guess the bottom line, and what I told her last night, is that I don’t trust her. I don’t trust that she will handle my heart with care. I don’t trust that she won’t just set it down and walk away. She did it two weeks ago, for heaven’s sake. And let me tell you, I can’t believe she did it AGAIN! This is the best thing, by far, that’s happened to me since my wedding and damned if she didn’t do it again! I don’t know why I’m surprised, but I am.

So now, in my memory of how excited O & I were to be given the green light to adopt is also the part where my “best friend” chose not to call me for nine days to even see how it went.

The crazy part in all this is that she would be there in a minute to support me if something bad was happening. No doubt about it. But something wonderful happens – something she wants and doesn’t have and *poof*, she can’t handle it.

I am not someone who has unrealistic expectations of her friends. If anything, I go overboard in the opposite direction to be understanding if they make choices that hurt or let me down, which is rare by the way. But I do not think it’s unreasonable for me to expect that the woman who calls herself my best friend be happy for me – really happy that my lifelong dream is coming true. She says that she is, and that she wants me to be able to call and fill her in as things unfold but how can I do that? WHY would I do that when history has shown me that what I can expect is for her to be reserved, disinterested, or disappear without a word. I have friends that will celebrate with me. She is not one of those people.

And this reaction of hers two weeks ago was in response to a MEETING! What will she do when I call to tell her that we've been matched with a child - that we are bringing him/her home - that our adoption is final and we are officially "Mom" and "Dad"? Freak out would be my best guess!

So obviously our relationship as “best friends” is likely over. I now have to figure out what, if any relationship, I want to replace it with. I would definitely have to get to a place where I expect nothing from her (thus she has no power to hurt me), and I don’t know if that’s possible. And even if I could, what kind of relationship is THAT, anyway?

As I’ve written this, I’ve realized that me finding myself at a crossroads has very little to do with our conversation last night and her decision to take “breaks” from our relationship in the future if it becomes too much for her. In fact, I appreciate her honesty and respect that choice. Instead, it has to do with consistently being let down by someone very close to me at the most important, happiest moments in my life.

I think there is only so much of that you can take before you’ve had enough, and I officially might just have had enough.

refresh . . . refresh . . . refresh . . .

Six hundred seventeen: Roughly the number of times I’ve hit the refresh button this morning to see if I have any new e-mails in my inbox.

I’ve got correspondence flying all over the internet this morning.

I’ve e-mailed the wonderful woman who taught our foster/adopt classes to get some additional information on the little boy she is looking to place.

I’ve e-mailed a state adoption office re: a child I saw on their website (only to hear back that they couldn’t release any information until our home study is complete. Helloooooo? Social worker?????? We truly adore you but we last met with you two weeks ago. Please hurry and get our paperwork completed. Please please please! We are so interested in this child.)

I’ve e-mailed and called our social worker letting her know about both situations, and about the possibility that she may be hearing from workers re: either child.

This situation is completely messing with the control freak part of my personality. I wish I could just run over to the social worker’s office, get everything typed up and mailed off myself.

Shit.

Letter to a Friend

Well, my grumpiness dissipated soon after I wrote the last post. I'm not one to be upset for any length of time. I used to be though! I could hold a grudge with the best of them. But life's too short and mine is too happy to let the actions or inactions of other people weigh me down for too long.

Part of my improved attitude, I suppose, is that we got our first call re: a child available for adoption. He's older than we were looking for, but I am thrilled that our foster/adopt class instructor has kept us in mind and thought enough of us to call. I am going to get in touch with her tomorrow to get a little bit more information on him, but I suspect we'll stick with our goal of being matched with a younger child for now.

I heard back from my best friend E. She apologized and asked how she could make amends. I missed a couple of her phone calls and in retrospect I'm glad of that because I had a question for her that I thought was better suited for an e-mail. My letter to her read, in part:

First and most importantly, I want to tell you that I really appreciate your apology and of course, apology accepted. I know how hard it is to raise your hand and say “Um, yeah, I screwed up”. So thank you.

That being said, I have something I need to ask you, and I’ve decided to do that via e-mail because I want you to take your time and think about it rather than being tempted to give a knee-jerk response.

I have to be really honest and tell you that the week you chose not to see how our meeting went felt eerily similar to the weeks and months before my wedding – like you just checked out. We’ve talked before about how much that impacted what should have been a really sweet and happy period of my life. We put that behind us a long time ago but now almost five years later, I still don’t like to think back to that time because it brings up bad memories.

So, what I want you to think about it this:

Are you sure that you have it in you to remain close to me as O and I adopt a child and I become a mother?

If you don’t I completely get it and wouldn’t judge you for it. In the time I’ve spent in the world of infertility, I’ve come to understand the absolute importance of knowing what you are and are not emotionally capable of handling. I’ve seen women who have had to walk away from their dearest friends who become pregnant – who have had to avoid their own family members’ baby showers. It’s not that they don’t love or care about their friends/family. It’s simply that at that point in time, they don’t have what it takes emotionally to have a front row seat for someone else living their dream.

I know how badly you’ve wanted to be a mother and how closely you’ve held that to your heart for most of your life, as I have. I can’t imagine that it will be easy to see that dream come true for someone close to you when it hasn’t happened for you yet. I really do understand and would gladly give you distance from it to spare you pain.

But here’s what I can’t do – what I won’t do. Five years from now, I won’t look back on this time in my life and have my memories of becoming a mom tainted with unhappiness because you decided to be distant or uncommunicative somewhere along the way. I don’t have that in me.

So the bottom line is this – I’m going to be a mom, hopefully sooner than later. (In fact, we received a call on a little boy yesterday. He’s a bit older than what we were wanting so I don’t know if we’ll pursue it, but I take it as a very good sign given that our social worker hasn’t even completed or submitted our paperwork to the state office yet.) If you want to remain close and be a part of that, I welcome it. If for whatever reason you simply can’t do it, all you have to do is let me know. I won’t judge you or hold it against you.

But please, PLEASE really give it some serious thought. Don’t choose based on what I want, or what others might think, or even on what a best friend is “supposed to do”. You’d be a much better friend to me by asking for the distance you need now rather than withdrawing later or gritting your teeth and white knuckling your way through our interactions.

So there you have it - food for thought, I suppose. Please take your time in getting back to me – there’s no hurry at all.

Thanks again for calling and for your apology. I really do appreciate it.


No response as of yet, and I'm glad. I truly need her to make sure of her answer before she gives it, because our friendship won't survive a repeat of the time after my engagement.

Mostly Pissy With a Chance of Increased Grumpiness

Man alive I’m grumpy. I was awakened just after 5am by a thunderstorm and couldn’t go back to sleep, so I decided to zip off an e-mail to my best friend. Basically I told her that I had a bone to pick with her and explained the reasons why.

As I wrote about on this blog earlier in the week, I had a couple of issues:

About a month ago I told her that I was having some irregular bleeding and was going to see the doctor the next day. I told her that while it was likely nothing, given my history, I was nervous about it. I phoned her the day after the appointment and literally the first 40 minutes of the conversation was about her and the D*ave Ram*sey class she was taking. By the time she was through talking about herself, the time I had available to be on the phone was over and I had to go. No mention from her then or since about how that appointment went.

More importantly, I told her at least twice that we had what we hoped would be our final meeting with our social worker last Tuesday – that it would be the meeting where we’d find out if we would be recommended as adoptive parents. Other people that I mentioned it to called or e-mailed with their “good luck” wishes, and/or got in touch afterwards to see how it went and share our excitement. Yet, nothing from my best friend. Not a word. For a week.

In her response, she remembered nothing of the conversation re: the irregular bleeding – not a word. She chalks that up to me breezing over it as if it wasn’t a big deal (though if she doesn’t remember the conversation, how can she remember THAT?). Hmmm – let’s see. I told her I was nervous. I told when anything like that happened, I was concerned about it being cancer. I don’t think that’s glossing over anything. I chalk it up to her paying so little attention that she was unable to retain the information.

As for her explanation about her not getting in touch to either wish us luck or see how our final meeting with the SW went, this was what she said: Her cousin (I think) found out on the same Tuesday that they were getting a baby from Russia. She was just too excited to hide that from me, was afraid of hurting me with the news, so she chose to not call or e-mail at all. (FOR A WEEK)

Can I just call SHIT for a minute?!?!

My response was as follows:

I have to say, your reason for not calling last week baffles me. O and I were in the midst of probably the best thing that could happen to us as it relates to becoming parents, other than getting the news that we’ve been matched with a child. We're not in the middle of infertility treatment. We haven't just been given a horrible diagnosis. We’re simply thrilled and excited about adopting.

One of my dearest local girlfriends is pregnant and I couldn’t be happier for her. Monday I am having lunch with a girl who is adopting a baby from Kazakhstan. She just got her first batch of pictures of him and is dying for me to see them. I recently had lunch with another dear friend  and her soon-to-be-adopted son and it was the most fun I’ve had in ages. Babies and adoption and pregnancy are everywhere in my life.

On top of that, I don't know T. or S.. (I'm assuming one is your cousin? I don't remember.) I've never met them. I doubt I ever will. Yet you made a conscious choice to simply blow off one of the best things that's happened to me in a long time - to not even CHECK ON IT - because I might be hurt by news of strangers adopting a child from overseas. If that was your concern, why not send an e-mail? Surely you could hide the excitement about your new second cousin in an e-mail?

And by the way, writing or calling to wish us good luck on the meeting would have happened BEFORE T and S's news . . .

I swear, I would have felt better if she’d just forgotten the meeting all together.

Then, I called my social worker this morning re: the e-mail I sent on Monday that SHE STILL HADN’T RESPONDED TO. I found her working away at her desk. Our paperwork is expected to be completed by the end of next week and on its’ way to the state office. I’m not sure how confident I am about that, but we shall see, I suppose.

PISSED - - - - PISSY - - - - PISSED!

Dear Social Worker

Dear Social Worker,

Ummmm . . . so . . . did you happen to see the e-mail I sent you 78 hours ago asking when you expected to have our final paperwork complete and on its’ way to the state office of adoption?

I guess not, since I haven’t heard back from you. Nope. Nothin'. Crickets.

I really do hate to be pushy, but do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted to be a mother? Seriously – we’re talking at least 35 years here. That’s like eleventy gozillion days! That’s a long time.

I know you’re aware of all the hoops we jumped through to complete our home study. How many invasive things you / your forms asked and we happily answered. And what about those forms? There were a lot of them, huh? And the scrapbook I put together? Do you have any idea how much I spent at the scrapbook store trying to make it perfect?

Let’s not forget that we had to visit not one but TWO jails to be fingerprinted. My favorite was the one where the fingerprint machine was in the middle of the booking area and we were surrounded by 10 newly-arrested men and women giving us the evil eye from their respective cells. They were clearly trying to figure out what Mary Poppins in her fun spring skirt and darling sandals was doing there and what the street value of her jewelry was. This was the same jail, as you may recall, that never submitted those fingerprints to the state, so we had to participate in "Fingerprints 2, the C's Go Back to Jail".

What about this cute room we’ve got all set up? Did you remember that we dragged O’s mom’s childhood bed out of the barn where it had been for 50 years, stripped, stained and had a mattress custom made for it? And how cute is that quilt I made for it – all bright and fun?! Yeah, but see, there’s nobody here to snuggle under it at night. And you should know that the room has been painted so many times that it measures ¼” smaller than when it was built 3 years ago, as I had to find just the right shade of yellow – much more difficult than you might think. But alas, it is the perfect color yellow now, isn’t it? Yes, I thought so too.

Did you happen to notice the bookcase already filled with children’s books? I know, all the classics! But you see, there is no one to read them to. Surprisingly, O isn’t so interested in the collected stories of Winnie*the*Pooh, and reading to the cat is, well, just unsatisfying on so many levels.

And you know, Easter is coming right up and I don’t think I’m going to be able to convince my 47-year-old husband that dyeing Easter eggs is fun. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if we just had a CHILD to enjoy that with? You’ve seen our land and all the trees. Wouldn’t we have a fantastic Easter Egg Hunt? But the thing is, it’s no fun hiding eggs for the cat to find. Cats don’t really care about eggs, even those delicately dyed in shades of pink, purple, and blue.

You don’t live far from here so you must have seen how beautiful the last couple of days have been! Perfect swing-in-the-hammock-with-mom days, or bug-dad-and-ask-him-a-million-questions-about-the-lawnmowers-he’s-working-on days. Except there’s no one around here called “mom” or “dad”. But you, YOU have the power to change all that!

Yes, I know that despite your best efforts, we weren’t agreeable to becoming fos*ter paren*ts, so we aren’t as high up on the priority list but still, adopting is pretty important too, don’t you think? We will be really good parents, I promise. We will do everything we can to create a happy life for a child.

All we need is for you to do one tiny little thing for us . . . . just an eensy weensy little thing.

Could you just finish typing everything up and get it on its’ way to the state office? I even hate to bring it up because I know how insanely busy you are but gosh it would be nice to be a mom.

If there’s anything at all that I can do to speed that process along – wash your car, take care of your grocery shopping for the week, give you a lovely pedicure (I detest feet, so you can see right there how motivated I am), prepare your taxes, whatever you need, I’m SO there!

Oh, and if it’s not too much trouble, could you zip off a one-line e-mail letting me know just WHEN that whole "get all the paperwork on its' way to the state office" thing might happen?

So that I don’t go completely bonkers?

And start trying to teach the cat to carry an Easter basket?

I’m sure my husband (and the cat) would appreciate it, so thanks in advance from them.

Love and kisses, K

A Bluebird Day

So it's been a somewhat strange 24 hours.

My husband fell off a ladder at work (missed the bottom rung), so yesterday afternoon/evening was spent in the ER waiting to get him x-rayed. Oh, and did I mention that we were there for 3+ hours and that the ER was locked down twice while we were there. No one in - no one out. I was never brave enough to poke my head out of our little curtained cubicle to find out why, though I think one was a severe gun shot wound. But let me tell you, there were so many sneezy, snotty, disease-ridden people in that ER that if we don't get the flu in the next few days, we officially have immune systems of steel.

Happily, O has no broken bones, though he was walking like a 96-year-old man last night. He slept like a baby after I drugged him up with Ad*vil PM (GOOD STUFF) and is feeling much better today.

Anyway, I was laying in bed this morning and O was bustling around getting ready to hop in the shower (or to climb verrrryyyy carefullyyyyy into the shower) when I saw a freakin' COYOTE racing through the field across from our house, clearly after something. Since our cat Barney likes to hang out in the field, I was convinced that he was a goner. I called to O threw on my clothes, jumped in the car and drove over. I found the coyote fighting with a dog about its' size. I couldn't tell if they were fighting over something, or whether they were just after each other.

(By the way, when two dog-like creatures are fighting, honking your car horn, screaming "Hey! Stop it!", and waving your arms as if you are about to take flight does absolutely no good.)

They eventually broke apart and went their separate ways. Neither had Barney in its' mouth, and there was no sign of him in the field where the fight had been. But I spent much of the day going outside and calling him. He came moseying home about an hour ago, little shit. I'm sure he spent the better part of the day curled up napping in the sunshine while I had visions of him being the main course for a coyote.

Also, I've had a bone to pick with my best friend EM for about a week. I'd told her several times that we were meeting with our social worker for the final time last Tuesday, and what a big deal it was for us - that once we cleared that hurdle, we'd officially be okayed to adopt. Do you think I heard from her at all last week? No "good luck" call - no "how did it go?" call. Nothing. I did send out a group e-mail on Monday night to a lot of family and friends giving them the happy news that we were a "go" to be adoptive parents through the state. EM quickly sent back a two line e-mail about how happy she was for us. Still no call either Monday or Tuesday. Today however, she has called not once but TWICE. I haven't spoken with her - I'm not really angry - I'm just kind of "over it" for the moment.

When really good things are happening for me, she tends to withdraw. For example, she had an extremely hard time when I got engaged. (She is mid-40's, divorced 10+ years and very much wants to marry and have a family.) She was my maid of honor but was mostly checked out, even to the point of making arrangements with our mutual girlfriends behind my back to step in for her if she decided to back out of the wedding at the last minute. She actually tried to, three days before ("back pain") but by then I'd had enough and when I tried to replace her, she was suddenly able to come.

I forgave her for that long ago, but would be lying if I said that I'd ever be able to forget. She was the one dark spot during the most blissful time of my life. ANYHOO, I don't know if that same phenomenon is what has kept her MIA - if we're having a repeat of that behavior, or if she simply didn't remember/care. Either way I'm not in the mood to talk to her right now. I'm not one to hold a grudge or let bad feelings go on for any length of time so I'm sure I'll catch up with her in a couple of days, but in the meantime, I'll let my Vo*ice Me*ssaging do the chatting with her.

And now to the title of this post, this wonderful "bluebird day". That's what we Southerners call a day with a perfect blue sky. Seventy degrees, not one cloud, slight breeze, the smell of spring in the air. O & I spent the afternoon outside. He did his favorite thing - changing the oil/filters and sharpening the blades on his lawnmowers. A certain sign that spring is upon us. Lord how that man loves to mow the grass.

I was a bit more lazy - swinging in the hammock, getting lost in a good book, and looking around the yard making plans for this year's landscaping. Here's a peek . . .

View From the Hammock

Barney goes from Hunted to Hunter

 

 The mowers are ready! Let spring begin!

Oh the cuteness!

I could eat them with a spoon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OBlgSz8sSM

Premature Mommy Thoughts

We only finished our last home visit with the social worker less than a week ago and already I’m a worrying mom.

Ideally we believe that a child under the age of five will be the best fit for our family, but we are willing to consider a slightly older child if the right situation presents itself. Because of that, and the fact that once our paperwork makes it to the state D*C*F*S offices, we could be called fairly quickly (especially for an older child) I’ve already started thinking/ worrying about the schools in our area.

I am a complete freak about education. I loved school growing up and just devoured every book I could get my hands on. While I realize that a child coming into our home may not have that same intense love of learning, I want them to have the opportunity to have a great, well-rounded education. Because of where we live, our child would attend the county schools. My knee-jerk reaction to that is simply, “Ummm, no.” The stereotype in my head is that county schools are poorly funded and that fewer of their students attend college. I am working to find out if that’s actually true, but I’m going to have to be shown some pretty compelling evidence otherwise to change my mind.

So that leaves us with two options.

I think it would be possible to send our child to city schools ten miles in either direction. One city is considered to be one of the best school systems in this part of the state. It’s a growing community with many families moving into the area. I think that would make it easier for our child to fit in as a “new” student.

The other option is where my in-laws live and where my husband grew up and went to school. The problem? That town is, without a doubt, the cliquey-est town I have ever encountered.

People are perfectly nice but if you haven’t lived there twenty years and don’t go to the right church, you aren’t getting “in”. I’ve been here over four years and not one woman from there has ever reached out to me in friendship. My local friends are from other surrounding areas. So, I definitely have concern about sending a child into that situation. Perhaps because my husband is from there, and his parents are well known and well thought of in the community, our child would have an “in”, but I don’t know if I’m willing to take that chance.

I guess what started me thinking about all this was an event we attended on Saturday night. Our niece participated in the local high school beauty pageant. When we arrived, it was like every other event we go to in that town. My husband was greeting people left and right and I was holding his hand and tagging along behind him. Once we were seated, I just people watched for a while and was struck by how alone I still feel in that community. The best way I can describe it is like this: When my husband and I get together with his family, the conversation is quite often about people I don’t know, events I didn’t attend, places I’ve never been, story after story about “back in the day”. There is absolutely nothing for me to add – no place for me to get a foothold. (That doesn’t bother me as it once did. I love to sit back and watch O & his family tell their stories. It makes me happy because I love each one of them.) My experience with R'ville feels just like that, except on a grander scale. I guess if I'm being honest, it hurts my feelings.

O absolutely doesn’t get it, both because he’s from there and is "one of them", and because he’s a man and men interact differently. Men are SO not cliquey.

The plus side to the town is that it's a wonderful community that supports its' school events, sporting teams, etc . . . a great small town atmosphere, if you're on the inside.

Blah blah blah – I don’t know that this post even has a point. Just thinking “out loud”, I guess.

But the good news? Our niece won best freshman talent and interview, and is one of two class representatives on the court. Isn’t she beautiful? I can tell ya, I didn’t look like THAT when I was 15!

No Snow Cream For Us

So much for my day of building snowmen and making snow cream and generally frolicking in a winter wonderland. Half an inch of snow does not a winter wonderland make.

Believe it or not, it actually used to snow 'round these parts. It wasn’t often, but we’d usually get a couple of “snow days” each year. I would bounce around the house with barely-constrained excitement until my mom could scrounge up the appropriate winter clothing for me. Once outside, I would sled on “hills” that were barely more than an incline and I would make snowmen covered with dirt and leaves, but the highlight was always the snow cream. I’d be sent outside with a big plastic bowl with instructions to fill it up with clean snow and bring it back in to Mom, who was waiting to work her magic.

The basic recipe is:

1 cup milk
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1 large bowl of snow (about 3 quarts)

Blend milk, sugar and vanilla. Stir in enough snow to make the mixture an ice cream consistency. Eat immediately, have sticky fingers, and be happy for hours.

Because people can’t leave well enough alone, there are now all sorts of variations using chocolate milk mix, fruit, heavy creams, even an egg for an eggnog taste. Just say no. There is nothing better than plain old snow cream. In fact, May*field Ice Cream has a snow cream flavor. They know what’s good.

But with a paltry half inch, no snow cream for us today. Stupid stupid weathermen!

Four Letter Word

The weather man said a 4-letter word this morning - a 4-letter word that sends otherwise sane and rational people in my part of the world into a milk-and-bread-buying frenzy. Yes, there is a possibility that we may get SNOW!

As a good Southern girl, I too made my required trip to the grocery store this afternoon and the shelves were already emptying in anticipation of tonight's storm. How much are we expecting, you may ask yourself?

One - two inches, and oh by the way, the expected temperature for Sunday is about sixty degrees so if we're snowed in, it shan't be for long. I'm just hoping to have enough to make snow cream! Mmmmmm!

Anyway, the most exciting news of the week by far was our final home study visit with the social worker, completed on Tuesday afternoon. These home visits have been so much easier than I'd anticipated. I think it helps that we really like and feel comfortable with our worker, and that she's an "old pro" at this, so she's not hyper vigilant like I'd imagine a first-time worker would be. We went through our home safety checklist and other than getting a letter from our local Gas Board stating that our unvented fireplace logs aren't leaking some dread noxious gas that will kill all of us, we are DONE! I can hardly believe it.

I first looked into the foster/adopt classes through the state last summer. It seemed as if there was one snafu after another getting registered. We were just days too late to sign up for one class, another was postponed and we never got a call letting us know when it was rescheduled even though I left six messages. Several surrounding counties weren't having classes until well into the new year. We attended an orientation in our county but we were the only ones there so the class was cancelled.

It felt so much like a continuation of all the fertility treatment shit. We'd get our hopes up that we could finally, finally just get STARTED only to have the rug pulled out from under us time after time.

But we did get started and now, six months later, we can finally see some light at the end of the tunnel. All that's left is for our worker to finish writing her report and submit it to the state, along with our foot-thick stack of paperwork and our scrapbook. Theoretically if that review goes okay, we'll be entered into the state's computer database and we will officially be an adoption resource for our state.

To be honest, there is a part of me that's waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for something to go wrong. I still half expect a phone call saying that there's been a mistake and they won't be able to process our application. I can see clearly that my fear of hope stems directly from the time I spent in the world of IF. Those experiences changed me, probably forever in some ways. But there is definitely some excitement and yes, some hope to balance out my fear. Those hopes keep me pushing forward, buying kids' books by the stacks and daydreaming about the day we get the GOOD call letting us know that there's a child who will be coming to our home to stay.

I have to go now. I have to figure out what to make with all this milk and bread. French toast anyone?