Crossroads

There is no doubt about it – I have definitely come to a crossroads with my best friend E. I have some hard decisions to make and find that I am usually able to see things more clearly if I write about them. So here goes nothin’ . . .

To give you some background, E & I met about 8 years ago and were immediate friends. She helped me through one of the most difficult times in my life when I had to make the choice to end my relationship with my then-best-friend Jason who “borrowed” $35,000+ (over the course of several years) and then refused to start repaying me as he had more important places to channel his money (trips, expensive clothing, boyfriends). It was a horrible, destructive relationship and with E’s support I finally had the strength to walk away. Other than marrying my husband, it was hands down the best choice I ever made – and the most difficult. He was family to me for a long time.

Several years later I met O and ours was definitely a whirlwind romance. We met in April, were engaged that summer, and married in early December. I noticed that once O & I started getting serious, which was almost immediately, E’s attitude changed. She was distant and short and standoffish when I brought up the subject of me & O.

And since you don’t know me, I should probably tell you that I’m not one of those people who goes on and on and on about herself. I simply don’t need a lot of attention, or to run my every thought, choice, or experience by my friends, or to share every detail of my life. So while I wasn’t droning on about O & I, I did expect that my “best friend” would be an eager audience to hear at least a little bit about my new-found relationship, as I had done for her for years.

Just after O & I got engaged, E lost her job. It was the beginning of a hard few months for her. I tried very hard to be sensitive to her and make time for her to talk about the things that she was struggling with. I made A LOT of time, and just took my happiness to girlfriends who could be happy for me.

Since there was less than 6 months between our engagement and wedding, I started planning right away. At best, E (MY MAID OF HONOR, by the way) was disinterested and quite often was short and snippy when the wedding was brought up. There were so many times when I asked her to step out of the role of MOH if she wasn’t interested in it, but noooooo, she wasn’t about to do that. So, she stayed around and wreaked havoc.

When I went to ATL for my shower with my closest girlfriends (including E), she acted sullen all weekend. She was LIVID that I couldn’t open the shower gift she’d bought me in front of her because it had been mailed to my house and I’d forgotten to bring it with me. Seriously! So she stormed off for a couple of hours and went to buy another gift. During dinner that night, her anger was palpable. She was completely shut off and let me tell you, I could not get in the car and get the hell out of there fast enough.

She did come one weekend to help with wedding favors and was sullen most of the time. Another one of my friends, J, who also came to help had never met E before. Afterwards J asked me why E didn’t like her, because she’s been so quiet and unfriendly. That same weekend we went to see the movie “Elf”. It’s a silly, funny movie and we all laughed and laughed except E, who never broke a smile.

I found out about a week before the wedding that E had been planning for well over a month to possibly not attend. She had contacted two of our mutual girlfriends to ask if they’d step in and take care of her duties on my wedding day if she chose not to come.

Two days before my big day, she called to tell me that she wasn’t coming – her back was hurting a lot. By that time I’d had enough. Virtually every aspect of planning my wedding and many of the events associated with the engagement/wedding were overshadowed by her actions. So when I heard she wasn’t coming, I simply asked her to send her MOH shoes with one of our friends who was driving in for the wedding as I was replacing her. Suddenly she was able to come.

Of course, that couldn’t be simple either. She had to come laying down in the back of a van and once at my apartment, had to lay on the floor with her feet propped up in the air. Even the night before my wedding, it was still about her to some degree.

All that being said, I could not have asked for a better MOH on the day of my wedding. She was there for me in every way imaginable and I am very grateful for that.

We had a bumpy few months afterwards. I was so hurt – and angry. I have never been one to seek the spotlight, ever in my life. I am not someone for whom great and wonderful things happened. That’s not to say that I had a bad life – I didn’t at all. But when I met O and we fell in love and were to marry, it was BIG. It was my one chance to have something that was just about me (and O, of course). But now as I look back five years later, most of my memories are about E and how her behavior spoiled what should have been some of the happiest times of my life. I can never get those times back, and though I forgave her long ago, I have not forgotten.

In her defense, she says that at the time, her world was falling apart – that when she was laid off from the job that had been her identity for so long, she didn’t know what to do. Do I believe that that’s part of it? Sure – it’s hard to be generous with others when you are so unhappy with your own life. But truth be told, I think that a lot of what fueled her actions was simple old-fashioned jealousy. She couldn’t stand that I was getting something she so desperately wanted, and she was going to make sure that she created drama and upsets all over the place. I doubt that it was something she was consciously doing, but the outcome was the same.

So here we are, almost five years later.

Since this past summer, I’d noticed that when I’d mention, even in passing about our foster/adopt classes, she didn’t seem very interested or have much to say. I didn’t really think much about it, though. I simply didn’t share as much and again, took the news of our progress to girlfriends who would be excited for me. But as we approached our final meeting with the social worker, I was very clear to her during several conversations just what a big deal this was. It was the meeting where we’d find out if our SW would recommend us as adoptive parents. Everything we’d been working towards was wrapped up in that meeting.

I got no call/email either wishing us luck or seeing how it went. Six days later I sent out a group e-mail letting our extended family and friends know that we were approved, and she received it too. She sent back a three sentence e-mail of congratulations.

I’ve written in a couple of previous posts about our communication from there. I basically told her that I understood if she couldn’t emotionally have a front row seat to O & I becoming parents, but neither was I prepared to continue to be hurt by her disappearing at the best moments of my life.

She called last night and we talked for about an hour. She said that because she is struggling to come to terms with the fact that at 45, she’s probably not going to be a mom, she may need to “step away” from our relationship as O & I become parents – to what extent she couldn’t say.

I understand. I truly do, perhaps better than most people could. Because of my infertility, I understand mourning the loss of a dream and how raw and painful it can be when that very dream comes true for the people closest to us. I’ve lived it.

But as she had a choice to make, I have a choice to make. I have to decide whether I am willing to put myself in the situation to be hurt by her withdrawal, her silence, and yes, her jealousy. Because I do think that this is the same scenario that unfolded before my wedding and I can tell you right now, I won’t do it again. I will not have my memories of becoming a mom, something I have dreamed about since I was a child, be tarnished in any way by her. I guess the bottom line, and what I told her last night, is that I don’t trust her. I don’t trust that she will handle my heart with care. I don’t trust that she won’t just set it down and walk away. She did it two weeks ago, for heaven’s sake. And let me tell you, I can’t believe she did it AGAIN! This is the best thing, by far, that’s happened to me since my wedding and damned if she didn’t do it again! I don’t know why I’m surprised, but I am.

So now, in my memory of how excited O & I were to be given the green light to adopt is also the part where my “best friend” chose not to call me for nine days to even see how it went.

The crazy part in all this is that she would be there in a minute to support me if something bad was happening. No doubt about it. But something wonderful happens – something she wants and doesn’t have and *poof*, she can’t handle it.

I am not someone who has unrealistic expectations of her friends. If anything, I go overboard in the opposite direction to be understanding if they make choices that hurt or let me down, which is rare by the way. But I do not think it’s unreasonable for me to expect that the woman who calls herself my best friend be happy for me – really happy that my lifelong dream is coming true. She says that she is, and that she wants me to be able to call and fill her in as things unfold but how can I do that? WHY would I do that when history has shown me that what I can expect is for her to be reserved, disinterested, or disappear without a word. I have friends that will celebrate with me. She is not one of those people.

And this reaction of hers two weeks ago was in response to a MEETING! What will she do when I call to tell her that we've been matched with a child - that we are bringing him/her home - that our adoption is final and we are officially "Mom" and "Dad"? Freak out would be my best guess!

So obviously our relationship as “best friends” is likely over. I now have to figure out what, if any relationship, I want to replace it with. I would definitely have to get to a place where I expect nothing from her (thus she has no power to hurt me), and I don’t know if that’s possible. And even if I could, what kind of relationship is THAT, anyway?

As I’ve written this, I’ve realized that me finding myself at a crossroads has very little to do with our conversation last night and her decision to take “breaks” from our relationship in the future if it becomes too much for her. In fact, I appreciate her honesty and respect that choice. Instead, it has to do with consistently being let down by someone very close to me at the most important, happiest moments in my life.

I think there is only so much of that you can take before you’ve had enough, and I officially might just have had enough.