Well, my grumpiness dissipated soon after I wrote the last post. I'm not one to be upset for any length of time. I used to be though! I could hold a grudge with the best of them. But life's too short and mine is too happy to let the actions or inactions of other people weigh me down for too long.
Part of my improved attitude, I suppose, is that we got our first call re: a child available for adoption. He's older than we were looking for, but I am thrilled that our foster/adopt class instructor has kept us in mind and thought enough of us to call. I am going to get in touch with her tomorrow to get a little bit more information on him, but I suspect we'll stick with our goal of being matched with a younger child for now.
I heard back from my best friend E. She apologized and asked how she could make amends. I missed a couple of her phone calls and in retrospect I'm glad of that because I had a question for her that I thought was better suited for an e-mail. My letter to her read, in part:
First and most importantly, I want to tell you that I really appreciate your apology and of course, apology accepted. I know how hard it is to raise your hand and say “Um, yeah, I screwed up”. So thank you.
That being said, I have something I need to ask you, and I’ve decided to do that via e-mail because I want you to take your time and think about it rather than being tempted to give a knee-jerk response.
I have to be really honest and tell you that the week you chose not to see how our meeting went felt eerily similar to the weeks and months before my wedding – like you just checked out. We’ve talked before about how much that impacted what should have been a really sweet and happy period of my life. We put that behind us a long time ago but now almost five years later, I still don’t like to think back to that time because it brings up bad memories.
So, what I want you to think about it this:
Are you sure that you have it in you to remain close to me as O and I adopt a child and I become a mother?
If you don’t I completely get it and wouldn’t judge you for it. In the time I’ve spent in the world of infertility, I’ve come to understand the absolute importance of knowing what you are and are not emotionally capable of handling. I’ve seen women who have had to walk away from their dearest friends who become pregnant – who have had to avoid their own family members’ baby showers. It’s not that they don’t love or care about their friends/family. It’s simply that at that point in time, they don’t have what it takes emotionally to have a front row seat for someone else living their dream.
I know how badly you’ve wanted to be a mother and how closely you’ve held that to your heart for most of your life, as I have. I can’t imagine that it will be easy to see that dream come true for someone close to you when it hasn’t happened for you yet. I really do understand and would gladly give you distance from it to spare you pain.
But here’s what I can’t do – what I won’t do. Five years from now, I won’t look back on this time in my life and have my memories of becoming a mom tainted with unhappiness because you decided to be distant or uncommunicative somewhere along the way. I don’t have that in me.
So the bottom line is this – I’m going to be a mom, hopefully sooner than later. (In fact, we received a call on a little boy yesterday. He’s a bit older than what we were wanting so I don’t know if we’ll pursue it, but I take it as a very good sign given that our social worker hasn’t even completed or submitted our paperwork to the state office yet.) If you want to remain close and be a part of that, I welcome it. If for whatever reason you simply can’t do it, all you have to do is let me know. I won’t judge you or hold it against you.
But please, PLEASE really give it some serious thought. Don’t choose based on what I want, or what others might think, or even on what a best friend is “supposed to do”. You’d be a much better friend to me by asking for the distance you need now rather than withdrawing later or gritting your teeth and white knuckling your way through our interactions.
So there you have it - food for thought, I suppose. Please take your time in getting back to me – there’s no hurry at all.
Thanks again for calling and for your apology. I really do appreciate it.
No response as of yet, and I'm glad. I truly need her to make sure of her answer before she gives it, because our friendship won't survive a repeat of the time after my engagement.
