Thanks to those of you who left comments or e-mailed to check on things in my little corner of the world. I must admit that I’ve been “in my head” quite a bit recently, thinking thinking thinking.
There’s nothing to report, really. We got an unsolicited e-mail from our SW’s supervisor Nicole about a month ago. She’d checked with the state office to find out why approval was taking so long. Seems the worker assigned to review our case has been quite busy – doing chart audits, handling a full caseload (including a disrupted out-of-state adoption) and let’s not forget planning and attending her wedding in mid-June in Florida. Mmmm hmmmm. That’s my favorite part. Planning and attending her wedding in Florida, and I’m sure there was a lovely honeymoon to follow.
Now, I’m not a heartless person. I love a good, romantic wedding as much as the next person. But our file has been sitting in the state office for five months. Five months. She hasn’t, in twenty plus weeks, found time to review our case? Seriously? I don’t know about y’all, but if I’d had any kind of chart or file or issue sitting on my desk for five months at any one of my previous jobs, I would have found myself in the unemployment line.
Today O called Nicole just to see if she’d heard anything in the past month. She gave him the “once it’s out of our hands and at the state level, there is nothing we can do” and “the state is going to do what the state is going to do” and all that b.s.. She frames it as if there isn’t an actual PERSON working on this – it’s “the state”. In actual fact, there is a worker at the state office (newly-married, apparently) whose responsibility it is to review our case. Nicole hasn’t called and spoken directly with this woman. Or her supervisor. She’s been getting her information from a third party.
Anyway, as par for the course, today’s call was a big fat waste of time. She did ask again if we were interested in fostering. (Apparently our county has 11 foster homes and 50-something foster kids.) When O told me about that, for a moment I wondered if they were withholding approval to adopt so we would agree to foster, but I quickly dismissed that. I don’t believe they’re that diabolical.
Anyway, I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but very honestly, I think I’ve finally run out of energy and emotion to devote to this situation. The bigger part of me could not care less if they ever call. I’ve felt like that for about a month. I know it sounds strange, given how hopeful and excited I’ve been at the prospect of adopting through the foster system, but that’s truly how I feel.
I haven't looked at a state D*C*F*S website or Heart Gallery in weeks.
I’ve wondered if a part of it is self-protection – hardening my heart in case we are never approved.
I’ve wondered if part of it is that I’m simply tired of my life being screwed with by people who don’t seem to give a shit.
I’ve wondered if part of it is the experience of having a houseguest back in early July (the world’s BEST houseguest, by the way), realizing again how happy O and I are here in our little house together just the two of us, and wondering if I even want to mess with that by bringing someone else into the mix.
I really don’t know. What I DO know is that we took down the crib in our “child’s room” this afternoon. I got tired of walking past it every day.
Tomorrow I will be removing the fire escape plans and the emergency numbers we posted in our home becauseD*C*F*S required them. They’ll be tucked away in our filing cabinet.
Before the end of the week, I will be removing the child proof latches from our bathroom and kitchen cabinets. It makes me mad every time I open one of them, especially since I never remember they’re on there.
I will also be removing our meds from the lockbox they’ve been in for six+ months.
It’s time for me to get on with my life. I’m tired of living in limbo, in this strange world we’ve created, where crayons and coloring books go un-used, where games sit un-played, where kids clothes remain folded in drawers, where books go unread, where teddy bears go un-hugged.
I’m so very tired of living with this nameless faceless ghost child. It’s time to take my life back and get on with the business of living it.
And who knows, maybe one of these days I’ll care again. Perhaps someday we might even hear from D*C*F*S that we’re approved to adopt and my heart will soar and the safetly latches will be reinstalled.
But for now, I’m calling “uncle”. I'm over this and I'm picking up my toys and going home.
