A couple of days after the RE appointment in Birmingham I had to go to one of their satellite offices for another blood draw. By that time, I had already scheduled a mammogram at my hometown hospital to investigate whatever it was that the NP felt in my right breast.
Now, you'll learn this about me in time, but I do not handle even the slightest prospect of having something life-threatening wrong with me in a good way. TRANSLATED: I completely freak out and obsess and my life, for the most part comes to a screeching halt until I am given the "all clear" about whatever it is.
Yes, I am aware that this is unhealthy. Yes, I am aware that there are more productive ways to handle situations such as these. Yes, I still freak completely out.
So of course, rather than waiting for my mammogram, scheduled several days in the future, I called my gyn to see if I could get an immediate appointment. She was able to work me in that same day, but I had several hours to kill before I could see her. It was agony. I was just thinking-thinking-thinking and watching the clock.
By the time the appointment arrived, I was a mess but was trying my best to be cool.
She came in and did the exam. She felt what the NP felt, but said that she wasn’t concerned about it – that she thought it was just from the weight loss. However, she said that since I was “between things” with the infertility treatments, she’d write the orders for a mammogram and ultrasound. Dammit!
Although the last thing she said when she walked out of my room was, “I’m not concerned about this at all” I couldn’t help still being scared. I was leaving yet another gyn appointment with something to wait and wonder and worry about. Shit!
I went back and forth, still freaking out, canceling and changing mammo appointments until I finally decided to just put on my Big Girl Panties and go have the tests done this past Thursday. I was anticipating a 15-30 minute visit but noticed on the sign-in paperwork that I could expect to be there for two hours. I was being seen on what I guess you could term “call back day”, where women who’d had abnormal mammograms had been called back in for further testing.
As always, I was super early for the appointment and sat in an absolutely packed waiting room for what seemed like forever. I looked around a little bit and imagined I could feel the undercurrent of fear and uncertainty in the room. I mostly pretended to be reading my book and wished to be done with this particular hurdle on what I hope will be my path to mommyhood.
They finally called me and another woman back, and we were taking to changing rooms to put on gowns and sit in a smaller waiting room with probably ten women, all dressed in blue hospital gowns and trying not to let their concerns show on their faces - trying to pretend that we weren't all sitting in a room with a bunch of strangers in blue gowns, with our boobs flying free.
The x-ray tech who did my mammogram was really nice. We talked about my weight loss, and she said you could really see it from my 2005 x-rays. When she did the right breast, she said, “It looks all clear to me, but I’m not a doctor, of course. Your breasts are just like mine – you can see right through them.” So I finally felt some relief. She went and showed the films to the radiologist, and he didn't want any additional pictures of anything. The ultrasound was the same - no further views needed.
Two days later I received a letter in the mail telling me that my mammogram was normal. I felt so deeply grateful. I’ve thought back several times to all the other women who were in the office that day, who spoke to me or smiled at me or laughed with me as we released a bit of our built up anxiety. I hope that they are all feeling the sense of relief that I am today, and can look back on this as a small bump in whatever path they are on.
Now, you'll learn this about me in time, but I do not handle even the slightest prospect of having something life-threatening wrong with me in a good way. TRANSLATED: I completely freak out and obsess and my life, for the most part comes to a screeching halt until I am given the "all clear" about whatever it is.
Yes, I am aware that this is unhealthy. Yes, I am aware that there are more productive ways to handle situations such as these. Yes, I still freak completely out.
So of course, rather than waiting for my mammogram, scheduled several days in the future, I called my gyn to see if I could get an immediate appointment. She was able to work me in that same day, but I had several hours to kill before I could see her. It was agony. I was just thinking-thinking-thinking and watching the clock.
By the time the appointment arrived, I was a mess but was trying my best to be cool.
She came in and did the exam. She felt what the NP felt, but said that she wasn’t concerned about it – that she thought it was just from the weight loss. However, she said that since I was “between things” with the infertility treatments, she’d write the orders for a mammogram and ultrasound. Dammit!
Although the last thing she said when she walked out of my room was, “I’m not concerned about this at all” I couldn’t help still being scared. I was leaving yet another gyn appointment with something to wait and wonder and worry about. Shit!
I went back and forth, still freaking out, canceling and changing mammo appointments until I finally decided to just put on my Big Girl Panties and go have the tests done this past Thursday. I was anticipating a 15-30 minute visit but noticed on the sign-in paperwork that I could expect to be there for two hours. I was being seen on what I guess you could term “call back day”, where women who’d had abnormal mammograms had been called back in for further testing.
As always, I was super early for the appointment and sat in an absolutely packed waiting room for what seemed like forever. I looked around a little bit and imagined I could feel the undercurrent of fear and uncertainty in the room. I mostly pretended to be reading my book and wished to be done with this particular hurdle on what I hope will be my path to mommyhood.
They finally called me and another woman back, and we were taking to changing rooms to put on gowns and sit in a smaller waiting room with probably ten women, all dressed in blue hospital gowns and trying not to let their concerns show on their faces - trying to pretend that we weren't all sitting in a room with a bunch of strangers in blue gowns, with our boobs flying free.
The x-ray tech who did my mammogram was really nice. We talked about my weight loss, and she said you could really see it from my 2005 x-rays. When she did the right breast, she said, “It looks all clear to me, but I’m not a doctor, of course. Your breasts are just like mine – you can see right through them.” So I finally felt some relief. She went and showed the films to the radiologist, and he didn't want any additional pictures of anything. The ultrasound was the same - no further views needed.
Two days later I received a letter in the mail telling me that my mammogram was normal. I felt so deeply grateful. I’ve thought back several times to all the other women who were in the office that day, who spoke to me or smiled at me or laughed with me as we released a bit of our built up anxiety. I hope that they are all feeling the sense of relief that I am today, and can look back on this as a small bump in whatever path they are on.
