Through this whole process, it's been hard to know who to share our suspected infertility with. Do we tell our parents and get their hopes up? Do we tell our friends and open ourselves up to well-meaning but hurtful comments? Just who do we invite into our very personal, private business?
Initially, I told my closest girlfriends, and occasionally kept them updated via e-mail about the basics of what's going on. Yes, even from them there were comments that left me shaking my head.
"You just need to relax and get out of your own way."
"You've spent a fortune on other things. Spend a little money on making a baby."
"If you take my kids for the weekend, you'll be thanking God for your lack of eggs."
There are more, but I get all riled up thinking about it.
Anyway, once we met with the RE, if became pretty clear that we wanted to share this with our very closest friends and family. It's going to be a big part of our lives (heck, it already is!!) and to keep it from them would be a bigger job than we wanted to take on right now.
Plus, there is the "small town" factor. O's best friend knew that we were trying to have a baby. He mentioned it to his sister, who mentioned it to me in front of ten people at a Christmas party. Given the way that gossip spreads like wildfire in this small town, we were legitimately concerned that his parents would find out about all of this standing in line at the local Wal*Mart.
So here's the letter. It was from the heart.
Dear Family and Friends,
Because you each mean so much to us, we wanted to share with you something that we’ve been struggling with for a while now. Since last summer, we have been trying unsuccessfully to have a baby.
I spent the fall taking a low-level fertility drug that had no effect, other than it made me burst into tears whenever I saw puppies and toddlers on TV commercials. It was certainly an interesting, if not terribly helpful, side effect. (My husband is a saint.)
We did have a moment of absolute joy just before Thanksgiving when I had a positive pregnancy test. Our hearts were broken just a few hours later to discover that it had been a false alarm. As I told my sister-in-law at the time, I really wanted to just crawl under the Thanksgiving dinner table and cry for a while. But, we got through that disappointment and continued to follow the plan my doctor laid out for us.
Just after Christmas, we exhausted all of my doctor’s available treatments and set up an appointment with an infertility specialist. We saw Dr. H. for the first time on Tuesday. We were there for three hours and could not have been more pleased with the doctor, the staff, and the clinic. I spent years working in medical environments and I have never encountered a more professional, organized, friendly, and educated group of people.
With this first visit, we confirmed what we already knew – that the problem is not with O, but rather is with me. How ironic that the girl voted “Most Likely to Overachieve” in high school has an underachieving reproductive system. I guess you never know . . .
Dr. VA. explained our options as she saw them and answered all of our questions. With her guidance we, at the very least, now have a plan.
I go back to the clinic in a couple of weeks for one final test, and if that comes out okay, I’ll begin the actual fertility treatments in about a month.
There is a lot to be hopeful about. All of my blood work came back “beautifully”, as one of the nurses told me, so that’s a good starting point. There is also reason for concern. Success rates in women my age (almost 39) are about 25%.
We know for certain that there are lines we won’t cross in this process, be they emotional, physical, financial, or ethical. We’re just not quite sure where those lines are right now. Hopefully we’ll be successful before we reach them. If not, we’ll have to make some hard choices in the months to come.
This has been really difficult for me – I feel lonely and frustrated and in darker moments, terrified.
I’ve wanted to be a mom since I was 3 years old and got to hold my newborn cousin Eric for the first time. Of course, I didn’t really understand what it was to be a “mom” back then, but I distinctly remember thinking, “I want one of these.” Of course, that dream was put on the back burner until I found O, who I think would make the world’s best daddy one day. We worked so hard to get in better shape, and really thought everything had fallen into place. Sometimes, I suppose, God has other plans.
As for O, well you know O. He’s strong and supportive and as steady as a rock, but I know this is hard for him too. He may not have dreamed of having a child for as long as I have, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less important to him.
Each person we’ve told about this has asked how they can support us. The honest answer is that we really don’t know. We’re walking a path that we never hoped to be on, and we’re just figuring it out as we go. But we would appreciate your good thoughts and prayers, if you are so inclined.
The main thing we ask is that you PLEASE not share what we’re going through with anyone. I’ve already had a couple of conversations about this with people who shouldn’t have had the information that they did. It’s often awkward talking about it with those closest to us. It’s torture to have to discuss it with anyone else.
Other than that, just know that we’ll keep you updated when and if we have news to share. If you have questions, please don’t hesitate to ask us. It’s a pretty involved and confusing process even to us, and WE have a front row seat for it.
And if you happen to see me in the Walmart, sniffling as I stand in front of the TV’s watching puppies frolic in the grass, at least you’ll understand why.
If we are able to become parents, we already know that our child will be so very blessed, because he or she will have each one of you in its’ life.
We love you all dearly,
Us
We've received an outpouring of support from almost everyone. A couple of people have yet to respond, but that's okay. We're just relieved not to have to keep this secret any longer.
Initially, I told my closest girlfriends, and occasionally kept them updated via e-mail about the basics of what's going on. Yes, even from them there were comments that left me shaking my head.
"You just need to relax and get out of your own way."
"You've spent a fortune on other things. Spend a little money on making a baby."
"If you take my kids for the weekend, you'll be thanking God for your lack of eggs."
There are more, but I get all riled up thinking about it.
Anyway, once we met with the RE, if became pretty clear that we wanted to share this with our very closest friends and family. It's going to be a big part of our lives (heck, it already is!!) and to keep it from them would be a bigger job than we wanted to take on right now.
Plus, there is the "small town" factor. O's best friend knew that we were trying to have a baby. He mentioned it to his sister, who mentioned it to me in front of ten people at a Christmas party. Given the way that gossip spreads like wildfire in this small town, we were legitimately concerned that his parents would find out about all of this standing in line at the local Wal*Mart.
So here's the letter. It was from the heart.
Dear Family and Friends,
Because you each mean so much to us, we wanted to share with you something that we’ve been struggling with for a while now. Since last summer, we have been trying unsuccessfully to have a baby.
I spent the fall taking a low-level fertility drug that had no effect, other than it made me burst into tears whenever I saw puppies and toddlers on TV commercials. It was certainly an interesting, if not terribly helpful, side effect. (My husband is a saint.)
We did have a moment of absolute joy just before Thanksgiving when I had a positive pregnancy test. Our hearts were broken just a few hours later to discover that it had been a false alarm. As I told my sister-in-law at the time, I really wanted to just crawl under the Thanksgiving dinner table and cry for a while. But, we got through that disappointment and continued to follow the plan my doctor laid out for us.
Just after Christmas, we exhausted all of my doctor’s available treatments and set up an appointment with an infertility specialist. We saw Dr. H. for the first time on Tuesday. We were there for three hours and could not have been more pleased with the doctor, the staff, and the clinic. I spent years working in medical environments and I have never encountered a more professional, organized, friendly, and educated group of people.
With this first visit, we confirmed what we already knew – that the problem is not with O, but rather is with me. How ironic that the girl voted “Most Likely to Overachieve” in high school has an underachieving reproductive system. I guess you never know . . .
Dr. VA. explained our options as she saw them and answered all of our questions. With her guidance we, at the very least, now have a plan.
I go back to the clinic in a couple of weeks for one final test, and if that comes out okay, I’ll begin the actual fertility treatments in about a month.
There is a lot to be hopeful about. All of my blood work came back “beautifully”, as one of the nurses told me, so that’s a good starting point. There is also reason for concern. Success rates in women my age (almost 39) are about 25%.
We know for certain that there are lines we won’t cross in this process, be they emotional, physical, financial, or ethical. We’re just not quite sure where those lines are right now. Hopefully we’ll be successful before we reach them. If not, we’ll have to make some hard choices in the months to come.
This has been really difficult for me – I feel lonely and frustrated and in darker moments, terrified.
I’ve wanted to be a mom since I was 3 years old and got to hold my newborn cousin Eric for the first time. Of course, I didn’t really understand what it was to be a “mom” back then, but I distinctly remember thinking, “I want one of these.” Of course, that dream was put on the back burner until I found O, who I think would make the world’s best daddy one day. We worked so hard to get in better shape, and really thought everything had fallen into place. Sometimes, I suppose, God has other plans.
As for O, well you know O. He’s strong and supportive and as steady as a rock, but I know this is hard for him too. He may not have dreamed of having a child for as long as I have, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less important to him.
Each person we’ve told about this has asked how they can support us. The honest answer is that we really don’t know. We’re walking a path that we never hoped to be on, and we’re just figuring it out as we go. But we would appreciate your good thoughts and prayers, if you are so inclined.
The main thing we ask is that you PLEASE not share what we’re going through with anyone. I’ve already had a couple of conversations about this with people who shouldn’t have had the information that they did. It’s often awkward talking about it with those closest to us. It’s torture to have to discuss it with anyone else.
Other than that, just know that we’ll keep you updated when and if we have news to share. If you have questions, please don’t hesitate to ask us. It’s a pretty involved and confusing process even to us, and WE have a front row seat for it.
And if you happen to see me in the Walmart, sniffling as I stand in front of the TV’s watching puppies frolic in the grass, at least you’ll understand why.
If we are able to become parents, we already know that our child will be so very blessed, because he or she will have each one of you in its’ life.
We love you all dearly,
Us
We've received an outpouring of support from almost everyone. A couple of people have yet to respond, but that's okay. We're just relieved not to have to keep this secret any longer.
