But to be perfectly honest, I’ve been thinking about discontinuing infertility treatments. Or perhaps better stated, I’ve been thinking about discontinuing trying to START infertility treatments.
I’ve been seeing my RE since January and have yet to get the okay to even begin my first round of injectables. Being told month after month that my body has failed once again has taken its’ toll. As I’ve sat on the sidelines watching my friends and “blog buddies” go through cycle after cycle, I’ve felt less and less reason to hope that that will ever be me. That, along with last month’s unwarranted cancer scare has simply left me exhausted and wanting to throw up my hands and walk away from the whole thing.
I love my life. My marriage is wonderful. We have fantastic friends. I adore the home we’ve created together here on this beautiful property. We are healthy. Our families are healthy. O has a great job that he enjoys and that allows me to stay home if I so choose. I am forever excited about some project or other – cooking/entertaining, gardening, writing, photography. I am even considering starting my own food business. I am happy.
So a couple of weeks ago as I took my pro*metrium and crawled into bed one night, I laid there and wondered if pursuing infertility treatment was even worth it. I’ve had months of disappointment, of money spent, of taking drugs that will do who knows what to my body in years to come, of absolutely dreading each RE appointment. I have very little hope remaining to balance it all out.
Do I believe that I’ll ever be able to cycle? Do I believe that O and I will ever be parents? I guess my answer to both of those questions has come to be “probably not”. I’m starting to believe that it simply may not be in the cards for us.
Last weekend O and I attended my family reunion. It’s our yearly opportunity to get together with all my mom’s crazy fun relatives and visit, laugh and eat way too much. My favorite cousin was there with her family, including twin boys who are 1 1/2. They are darling and social little creatures who worked the room and charmed everyone they encountered. As lunch was being served, one of them wandered over to our table and became enchanted with my digital camera. I turned the viewfinder completely around so he was able to see himself upside down on the screen. As we say here in the South, it absolutely tickled him to death. His face just lit up every time he caught a glimpse of himself. Needless to say, we became good friends and I enjoyed every minute of the time I spent with him.
Afterwards, O and I did some antiquing in my hometown and we had a lot of fun, but my thoughts kept returning to that darling little boy. Even as my head was telling me that I’d never be a mom and that I should give up and walk away from the whole infertility mess, my heart and that little boy’s blue eyes urged me to just hang in there for a little while longer and see if maybe, just maybe, there’s a chance for us. So I’m still here, still trying to get off the bench and into the game, still trying to find some hope to sustain me as the next RE appointment looms . . . for a little while longer.
