I Thought It Would Have Been Me

I have always wanted to be a mom. One of my first memories was holding my newborn cousin when I was about three years old. I had no idea what he was, but I knew he was magic and that I wanted one.

O, not so much. He likes kids and is fantastic with them, but he just never thought about being a dad. It’s like it never occurred to him. Of course, this is the guy who never wanted to get married until he had a change of heart in his early 40’s.

So, I always thought that in this whole foster/adopt process, I would be the one who would be devastated if we fell in love with a child and had to say goodbye. Don’t get me wrong. I knew O would be affected. He’s a loving, caring person. But I thought I would have the more difficult time if things didn’t work out.

We said yes to Mark knowing he was a legal risk placement – that his birth family was working to get him back. I kept that in mind as we met him, spent time with him, and pretty quickly fell head over heels for him. I knew that there was probably heartache just around the corner but didn’t care. O? Well, I think it was over for him the moment the car door first opened and we saw Mark. His heart was set on him being ours forever. Logically, he knew that probably wouldn't be the case, but his heart was having none of it.

It’s been really hard for O to shake off what happened with Mark – much harder than either one of us had realized. While I still miss Mark and wish things could have turned out differently, it's my husband who is still actively mourning the loss of that little boy.

It’s so strange . . . I thought it would have been me.