I have quite a few “real life” friends, bloggy friends, and family members who have made their way through infertility and have come out the other side with beautiful children of their own. And I’ve noticed that, at one point or another (and usually within their first year of parenthood) almost every one of them has said something along these lines:
Everything we went through – all the pain and the heartache and the frustration – it was all absolutely worth it.
Quite often the context is a “hang-in-there-and-keep-fighting – you’ll-be-so-glad-you-did” kind of way – either directed towards me or towards their readers in the blogosphere. And while I appreciate the sentiment, I often want to look at them (or write to them) and say,
“Are you sure? Are you sure I’ll be so glad I did? Are you sure it will have been worth it for me? Of course it was worth it for you. You ultimately got exactly what you wanted. You got a child. But what if you hadn’t? What if you went through IF treatments and/or tried to have a biological child through a surrogate and/or adopt and you came to the end of the road and it simply didn’t work out for you? What then? Would you still be able to confidently and passionately proclaim that it was all “absolutely worth it”?
We are much closer to the end of this journey than we are to the beginning. We will not do this for another four years. Guaranteed. If I’m being honest, I can’t imagine still being in this limbo even a year from now. And I have to wonder, if we do reach the end of this road with no child to love, will it have been worth it? The pain, the heartache, the frustration, not to mention the wasted time, the wasted money, the relationships that are changed forever (not mine and O’s thankfully, but with others)? Will it all have been worth it?
What started me thinking about this is a talk I had with O the other morning. He admitted that he’s been in a funk. He’s not depressed, but O is someone who generally rolls with the punches and goes on with his life - much better than I do. It’s not that he’s Little Mary Sunshine all the time, but he’s much better at accepting things for what they are and moving on. But what is currently happening with Chris, and more so what happened with Mark back in the spring has really gotten to him. And that makes me sad. And it makes me think that we should call this whole thing off sooner rather than later so we can just mourn and be done. Because if this is negatively impacting my husband, who I love more than anything or anyone in the world, then I can raise my hand and say that this is absolutely, positively no longer worth it.
Not even close to worth it.
*Thanks for the comments and e-mails in response to this post. I guess what I wrote wasn't clear, maybe because my thoughts on the subject aren't quite clear to me yet.
I will never regret giving foster/adoption my all once we decided to dive into it. As I wrote on a previous post, I'm an "In for a penny - in for a pound" kind of girl and want to know that if things don't work out the way we want them to, I did everything I could.
What I was talking about was more the choice to get into it in the first place. When/if we reach the end of the road without a child, will I be able to look back and say "I'm glad we did this - it was worth all we went through."? I can't imagine that my answer would ever be "yes".
In fact, in one of the e-mails I received yesterday, someone (hi someone!!!) asked me if I'd known then what I know now, would I do it all again. Right now, the answer is a resounding "no way", so maybe there's my answer.
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