Tomorrow I am Forty . . . Where is My Child?

What a beautiful day I have for spending my very last day in my 30’s. After a night of thunder, the sun is shining and the dogwoods are in bloom. I do so love April in the South.

I’ve been a little bit out of sorts the past few days – nothing too dramatic, just quiet and “in my head” more than usual. I suppose it’s natural as you approach such a big birthday to take stock of your life, where you are and where you’re going.

Forty has always been my “drop dead” date for getting pregnant. Yes, I realize that women in their forties have perfectly healthy babies every day, but for me this is the age where the risk of complications starts to outweigh my desire to have a biological child. So, I honestly expected that as this milestone crept closer, my sadness about not having a biological child would probably crescendo.

Yeah . . . not so much. I even TRIED to get worked up about it. It’s just not there.

Now, I haven’t deluded myself into thinking that there won’t be “why not me” moments in the future; that I won’t feel a twinge sometimes when I see a new mom and her little one, but I think I am actually starting to make peace with my infertility.

That being said, I want to be a mom. Now. Right now. Immediately. If not sooner. The days are passing so quickly. Days and weeks and holidays and time we could be together. My maternal instinct is just screaming out for a child to love.

However, my maternal instinct might as well pipe down because there’s no progress on that front.

I have a contact in the State Office of Adoption who, by the way, actually responds to her e-mails . . . in a timely manner . . . and (dare I say it) ANSWERS THE QUESTIONS YOU ASK. Love her!

So last week we sent her a long e-mail simply laying out all of our questions. Because the foster/adopt classes we took were mostly geared towards fostering, we were completely clueless as to what happens now that our home study has been completed and sent to the state. She was a wealth of information, though I was frankly disappointed by some of the answers.

Basically, our case is assigned to a state worker for final approval. If there are questions or the study is in any way incomplete, our local worker is contacted and she should get in touch with us. If/when final approval is given, our local worker will be notified and again, she should get in touch with us.

The little boy we are interested in is still available but another family is being considered for him. If our study is approved in time, it will be sent to that boy’s case worker for review to see if we are a potential match. Any communication done about him will be done through our local worker. Seeing a pattern?

I really like our local worker. She is a lovely person, clearly committed to what she does. But because we want to adopt and not foster, we are simply not a resource for the county. Therefore, we feel like we have sunk to the very bottom of the priority list. Let me make it clear, in no way do I think that we should take precedence over children in danger. That should be the county’s number one priority – seeing that they are cared for and that the people who are fostering them have what they need. But I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect that a call or e-mail is returned in a week’s time. Period. We may not be fostering, but providing a lifelong home for a child is important too, isn’t it?!?!

We’ve also looked at children available for adoption from other states. What do they require? Direct contact between their social worker and ours. I don’t know if our worker would even do that for us. It would mean a lot more work for her.

Anyway, in communicating with my contact at the state, I mentioned that because O & I had expanded our age parameters up to age nine (from age five) I might want to send an updated scrapbook and letter of introduction more geared to an older child. She said that would be fine, and in fact I could send it directly to her and she’d hand deliver it to whoever was reviewing our study. (Told ya - Love her!) She also wanted me to confirm that the information my worker sent in our home study reflected that age change, because that’s the criteria that would be entered into the computer and used to match us with potential children.

So I called our worker and asked if that had been done. She suggested that I come get a new “Child Desired” form, update it with the correct information, and forward it along with my scrapbook. (Translated: No, that information was never changed.)

Can I just tell you how disheartening that is? We discussed the fact that we were interested in an older child during our last two home study visits. How does that not make it into the record? Somewhere? That’s a pretty big thing. It’s the first question they ask, for heaven’s sake. So I am having difficulty believing that our study is going to be complete and pass the first review without them having to come back with a whole pile of questions.

I redid the scrapbook, letter of introduction (a fun one-page letter introducing ourselves to a child), corrected the “Child Desired” form and sent it overnight to my contact for arrival today. She will hand deliver it on Thursday when she’s in the state offices. Hopefully there will someone to actually hand deliver it to. As of this past Friday, our study was still somewhere in the mailroom and had not been assigned to anyone.

Our contact was going to get in touch with the case worker for the little boy we’re interested in and let her know we’re out here and want to be considered. Because she’s already got a family she’s looking at for him, I don’t have a good feeling about it as far as we’re concerned.

The thing I keep trying to remind myself is that there is nothing I can do. I’m not in control of any of this. Instead, I have to believe that there is someone out there much greater than myself who is leading us towards our child, whether it’s that little boy or not, and that someday I’ll look back and see that it all unfolded exactly as it should have.

Then I have to remind myself of the exact same thing five minutes later.

And again eight minutes after that.

**TOMORROW I AM FORTY! WHERE IS MY CHILD?!?!?!**

Can you tell that I need teensy tiny little break?

My wonderful husband is taking me to the mountains for a few days to celebrate my 40th. We are staying in a little motel in Gatlinburg with balconies built directly over the roaring river just outside. A little piece of Heaven! So on that happy note, I’m off to pack.

Happy rest of the week y’all. I shall return, older, poorer (oh the shopping!) and considerably more relaxed.